I lay in bed this past Saturday reflecting on the fact that another year without my mom has passed and how much time has gone by since she was physically here. It blows my mind when I start to think about how much she has missed and how much more she is going to continue to miss as the years go by. There is so much she hasn’t been there for. There is so much she should be here for.
Although I may not cry as often and the bad days come less frequently, it seems that with every year that passes, the void that was left the day she died only gets bigger. Every year is another year of firsts, memories, and experiences she didn’t get to be there for.
Every year leaves me reflecting and longing for her to be here even more.
I often say that nothing will ever fill the void my mom left. I wouldn’t ever want anything to. The hole there is something no person could ever fill and nothing could ever replace. There is no relationship or bond as unique and strong as a mother and her daughter, and I don’t believe there will ever be something to compare.
Her love was unconditional in a way that left shoes impossible to fill. There wasn’t a person in this world more supportive or loving. She truly was my biggest fan. She was there to cheer me on for my highs, and she was there to give me whatever I needed during my lows.
It would be silly to think anyone could ever take that place in my life.
As I get used to this being my life, I can’t help but wonder how different everything would be if she were still here. Just about every day, I think about what things would be like if I got to have an adult relationship with my mom that I envy so deeply about others.
Even though this has become a new normal that I have started to accept and get used to, the void that was left the day my mom died still sits there and will continue to sit there empty and be unable to be filled for the rest of my life.
A void so big and so deep that only a mother’s love could ever fill.