My heart. Right here. These four take up every inch of my heart and then some. It’s so full of love for them and from them.
So full, that when my oldest daughter looks at me with her big, sincere, green eyes and says, “I’m so glad you’re my mom,” I almost burst.
So full, that when my middle son wraps his arms around my neck, grinning from ear to ear, and asks me for a “big squeeze hug” I just melt.
Motherhood has changed me in more ways than I ever imagined. And I am so thankful for it, for them.
For these four little people are teaching me how to love, how to be patient, how to be kind, how to enjoy every little thing. The love we share is unlike any other. I know many moms would say the same.
But not mine. My mother doesn’t know how to love. We never had any connection. We had the opposite of a loving mother-daughter relationship. She didn’t teach, didn’t nurture. She didn’t, couldn’t show me love.
This being my entire experience with motherly love, I was terrified to become a mom.
But now, I could not be more grateful that I get to love these four. Deeply, fiercely. I don’t deserve them, these precious souls. But I love being their mom. I am far from a perfect mom. I have 0% of parenting figured out. But here is what I do know: the cycle of neglect and emotional abuse that my mom passed on to me, stopped with me. The manipulation, the cruel words, the pain, the darkness, it all ended with me.
Maybe my mom just didn’t know any better, I will never know. But I do. I know how deep the hurt of not having your mother’s love runs. My oldest is almost seven, and I still question myself daily. Am I good enough? Am I loving them enough? Not a day goes by that I don’t question my ability to raise these four.
I can’t ask her for parenting advice or even just ask her to listen.
I want so badly to share the funny things my kids said or did today with my mom.
I want so badly to hear “you’re doing a good job” from the one person I was never good enough for. But that just won’t happen.
So instead, I’ll tell myself. And if you need to hear it, I’ll tell you, too. You are good enough. You are doing an incredible job. Your kids are so loved. Most importantly, you are going to raise these precious children into amazing adults, with hearts full of love from their mama.