An open letter to my 9/11 baby:

You asked me this morning why those people blew up New York” on your birthday.

You are six; of course, this is your day. Like so much in life, I was unprepared for this moment. But you’re getting so big and growing so much, and this, in hindsight, is such an obvious question. I should have been prepared.

How do you explain hate to a beautiful, loving, kind, newly-minted 6-year-old?

I obsessed all day over this question, rolling it around in my head like dice. The only answer I have is you don’t.

You don’t explain hate. You explain love.

You are the literal love of my life. My sweet, innocent, forever little baby boy, who still falls asleep on my chest each night. Literally (almost) crushing me now but all the while reminding me of what actual love is. See, what you don’t understand yet is we tried so hard for you. Literally for years. When the doctor said your due date was 9/11 I blew it off.

What the baby comes on his or her due date?

As September approached, I found myself saying aloud more and more, “He’s due on September 11th but it will be before or after that.”

September 9th: no baby.

September 10th: no baby.

Pregnancy anxiety, an odd state where reality mixes with a world of what ifs, fully set in. I was convinced if you were actually born on September 11th you would be jinxed forever. Could we legally change your birthday? Was that a thing?

On the morning of September 11th, of course, I went into labor.

All through the day, I told every doctor and nurse who entered the room that you were not leaving my body until after midnight. Mothers do amazing things and I was going to hold you in.

God laughed.

And, alas, you were born a little before midnight on 9/11/13. Twelve years after that ominous day that changed our worlds forever.

What I know now is that timing is an insane thing. Everything has to perfectly line up in life for life as we know it to happen. Literally everything.

Every moment is part of such a bigger plan. God’s plan.

You are six now. You love deeper than anyone I have ever met. I often say if everyone loved each other the way you love me that the world would be such a better place. You are 100 percent boy and play so hard. You make friends as if it is your job and your laugh lights up a room. You are the literal light of so many people’s lives.

You are not jinxed at all. Actually, quite the opposite.

You’re love and light and a piece of God on earth.

I do not know why “people blew up New York” on your birthday. The world is difficult, uncertain, and scary.

I do know, without an ounce of doubt, that you were purposefully born on this day to spread love and light. You were a gift to the world as a reminder from God himself. A testament to faith and living, breathing proof that life goes on after tragedy. This is an absolute. Life goes on.

We can choose hate or we can choose love.

Tonight, on 9/11, we will go to our Cub Scout meeting where 15 six-year-olds will make red, white, and blue handprint flags on poster boards. These will be delivered to our local police and firefighters to thank them for their service and for protecting our community. We will talk about that day, now 18 years ago, that shook our nation. We will honor those lost.

And, after all the big, heavy and important stuff is complete, we will have cupcakes and run around and be six. We will celebrate a birthday and freedom and friendship and life and love.

Love forever and ever and EVER,
Mom

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Jacqueline Waxman

Jacqueline Waxman, M.Ed living in New Jersey with her kids. I’m a social worker by profession and Mom by choice. I chauffeur children to their preferred destinations, feed-bathe-and-clothe my little people when we are not playing outside. Passions include writing, photography and advocacy. You can find me on Facebook at https://www.facebook.com/walkingthingrayline/

Instead of Counting Down the Days until My Marine Came Home, I Counted My Blessings

In: Motherhood
Mother and two children holding "welcome home" signs next to soldier daddy, color photo

It was a relatively mild morning in October—cool even, considering we were in the middle of the Mojave Desert. We stood atop a concrete amphitheater overlooking a grass field in the middle of the small USMC installation known as Twenty-Nine Palms. All the unit’s seabags were lined up in neat rows, each one stuffed to bursting. John held our daughter Eleanor who had just woken up from a nap in her infant carrier. Blearily, she looked around and then smiled when John paused his conversation with some of his friends to coo at her. I sat with our son Sawyer...

Keep Reading

I Am an Adult with Autism

In: Living, Motherhood
Mother and three children in wildflowers, color photo

Thirty years. That’s how long it took for me to get the right diagnoses. Thirty years. Of struggles. Of shame. Of depression and anxiety. Of bullying. All without knowing the true causes and what was really going on. I never would have believed you if you told me a few years ago that I was autistic. It wasn’t until all three of my children were diagnosed with autism that I started to see the similarities and begin to question. At first, I thought there was no way. Wouldn’t I have known by now? It just can’t be. So I threw...

Keep Reading

I Hope My Daughter Loves Her Future Mother-in-Law

In: Motherhood
Bride holding mother's hands

I’m a proud boy mom. I catch bugs, I catch balls (in the house), and I try my best to catch my boys’ every fall. I love it. I love being a boy mom. There is one part I don’t like: everyone telling me they will leave as soon as they meet “the one,” and their wife’s family will push my husband and I out of the picture. “A boy is yours ‘til he finds a wife, a daughter’s your daughter all her life.” I’d heard it too many times from older moms who chuckle as if the rhyming covers...

Keep Reading

Adoptive Parents-To-Be Deserve to Be Celebrated Too

In: Motherhood
Couple making heart with hands

My husband and I are on a very exciting journey—we are in the process of adopting our first child! Wow, we are stoked beyond words. Albeit we are on the front end of the journey at this point (as in just now about to complete our home study). Yet we are knee-deep and in the thick of it all. After struggling with infertility for about two years and many doctors’ appointments later, it became clear that natural conception is not how we will become parents. We never thought we would encounter infertility. Infertility has been hard and a grieving process...

Keep Reading

I’m Thankful for the Community We’ve Found

In: Friendship, Living, Motherhood
Community on street having a picnic

It was the end of the school holidays, and the return to school after Christmas was looming. The children had had two weeks at home. The general sense of routine was lost for the boys, with late nights and relaxing days watching YouTube while playing their Switch. I was eager for routine to make a reappearance through school. As we headed into the weekend before the start of school, Josh had a cough and then a fever, and it became clear this would not be the week I had envisioned. By Monday morning the boys appeared more lethargic than usual,...

Keep Reading

Our Kids Need Us as Much as We Need Them

In: Kids, Motherhood
Little boy sitting on bench with dog nearby, color photo

During a moment of sadness last week, my lively and joyful toddler voluntarily sat with me on the couch, holding hands and snuggling for a good hour. This brought comfort and happiness to the situation. At that moment, I realized sometimes our kids need us, sometimes we need them, and sometimes we need each other at the same time. Kids need us. From the moment they enter the world, infants express their needs through tiny (or loud) cries. Toddlers need lots of cuddling as their brains try to comprehend black, white, and all the colors of the expanding world around...

Keep Reading

Your Kids Don’t Need More Things, They Need More You

In: Faith, Kids, Motherhood
Mother and young girl smiling together at home

He reached for my hand and then looked up. His sweet smile and lingering gaze flooded my weary heart with much-needed peace. “Thank you for taking me to the library, Mommy! It’s like we’re on a date! I like it when it’s just the two of us.” We entered the library, hand in hand, and headed toward the LEGO table. As I began gathering books nearby, I was surprised to feel my son’s arms around me. He gave me a quick squeeze and a kiss with an “I love you, Mommy” before returning to his LEGO—three separate times. My typically...

Keep Reading

Take it from a Mom Who’s Been There: It Gets Easier

In: Motherhood
Mother with teen daughter embracing and smiling outside

My view from home is changing as my oldest is now married and my youngest is wrapping up his college career. But dear mom of little ones and even those not-so-little ones, I want you to know that I remember. I remember the side-eyes and the judging glances from older moms as I juggled toddlers doing their toddler thing. All these years later, I still feel the harshness of their stings. I remember the gloom and doom declarations of “Just wait until they turn three, or ten, or thirteen . . .” Those almost gleefully delivered little quips that made...

Keep Reading

This is How to Support Miscarriage Moms

In: Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Woman with arm around another woman sitting in field

When you hear the term miscarriage, what do you think? My initial thought was the loss of an unborn child, but have you ever really wondered what truly happens when you are having a miscarriage? Our first miscarriage occurred immediately after our wedding in 2019, we had a chemical pregnancy after conceiving while on our honeymoon. This means we had a positive pregnancy test, but by the time we got to our OB/GYN, I had the heaviest period of my life, resulting in a negative serum pregnancy test. That was hard enough to go through but was nothing compared to...

Keep Reading

Mom, Will You Pray With Me?

In: Faith, Motherhood
Little girl praying, profile shot

“Will you pray with me?” This is a question I hear daily from my 9-year-old. Her worried heart at times grips her, making it difficult for her to fall asleep or nervous to try something new. Her first instinct is to pray with Mom. Perhaps this is because of how many times her Dad and I have told her that God is with her, that she is never alone, and that she can always come to Him in prayer and He will answer. Perhaps it is because she has seen her Dad and I lean on the Lord in times...

Keep Reading