Pre-Order So God Made a Mother

Yes, I read those prenatal books. A whole stack of them. Some were hand-me-downs from friends and others I checked out of the library. I read the websites, too—the ones that compared my developing baby to the size of a blueberry or a plumquat each week. They told me what to expect as a first-time mom.

Although I read and reread about the first signs of labor, I somehow neglected to read any of the chapters or articles that told me what to expect if I needed a C-section. Call it optimism or naiveté, I didn’t expect an emergency C-section. My mom never had one, so why should I?

It wasn’t a shocker that I was six days past my due date. What caught me by surprise was that after repeated, confident assurances from my OB/GYN that my son was head down, I saw him sitting upright in an ultrasound. I didn’t expect him to be sitting in the Frank breech position or for the amniotic fluid he was swimming in to be low.

After my son’s birth, I didn’t exactly assume breastfeeding would be a breeze, but I certainly didn’t expect it to be so painful and difficult. I didn’t expect to need a lactation consultant or that my son would struggle to gain weight or that after two months, he would finally be diagnosed as tongue-tied and need to have his frenulum clipped. I didn’t know what a frenulum was let alone expect that.

I didn’t expect to need to supplement breastmilk with bottle feedings. I didn’t expect feeding my son to take up so much time. I didn’t expect to see bottles piling up in my kitchen sink.

I didn’t expect to be so completely clueless. A bit bedraggled perhaps, but not so weak and tired and helpless. I didn’t expect that it would take my body so long to heal or so many months before I could exercise comfortably and start to lose my baby weight.

I didn’t expect that any of my five children would have serious medical conditions, but some of them do. I didn’t expect to miscarry any of my babies, but I have. I didn’t expect to be stretched so thin or to grieve so hard, but I am and I do.

I didn’t expect that motherhood would be a piece of cake or a walk in the park, but I also didn’t know that it would be by faith. That it would mean walking forward when I couldn’t see where I was going and didn’t know what I was doing or what would happen next. That it would mean loosening my tight grip on my children and trusting God to care for them in ways that were way beyond my capability.

Those books and websites didn’t tell me about the nights when my newborn would cry inconsolably and when I’d done everything else I knew to do, I’d kneel by the side of my bed and pray for help, wisdom, insight and that my baby would . . . simply . . . stop . . . crying.

Those books and websites didn’t tell me that a doctor would diagnose my children with a rare genetic disease of which I’d never heard the name and that I would pray again for help and wisdom and insight and that I would . . . simply . . . stop . . . crying.

So many hopes and expectations grew inside of me when I felt those first belly kicks and ballet dances inside my womb. Some I could voice and some I couldn’t. As my children grow, those hopes and expectations multiply. Some are met, but many aren’t.

Motherhood isn’t what I expected; it’s so much more.

Motherhood isn’t about having a natural childbirth or a C-section, breastfeeding or bottle feeding, a baby with reflux or a baby who sleeps through the night. It’s not about which preschool I pick or whether I homeschool or send my child to public or private school. And it’s certainly never been about me having my act together or how my children compare with my friend’s.

The motherhood I’ve discovered is by faith, with hope and full of love. Yes, full of love. Love so deep that it hurts, and love so strong that it binds, and love that makes ordinary moments the ones I want to remember the most. My love for my children is fuller, richer, deeper and wider than I ever imagined, and my life is fuller, richer, deeper and wider than I dreamed.

This isn’t what I expected, but it’s what I think I really wanted, and I wouldn’t give it up for the world.

You may also like:

God is in the Midst of Messy Motherhood

Becoming a Mother Restored My Faith

Motherhood is Beautiful Chaos

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available for pre-order now!

Pre-Order Now

Katie Faris

Katie Faris is married to Scott, and her greatest works in progress are their five children ages 2 to 13. She is the author of Loving My Children: Embracing Biblical Motherhood. You can read more of Katie’s words on her blog.

8 Fight Songs for the Single Mom

In: Faith, Living, Motherhood
Woman holding earbuds in ears

They whispered to her: You cannot withstand the storm. I have had days when the storms hit me while I sat on the shower floor with my knees to my chest feeling completely defeated, letting the hot water beat down on my body. I have had nights when the storms hit me as tears stained my pillow. As time has moved on, I am learning how to beat the storms. This is only possible because of the family and friends that God has brought into my life. This is my fight song. These are and have been my take back...

Keep Reading

Your Brother Is With Jesus Now

In: Faith, Grief, Loss
Brother and sister in yellow outfits smiling on park bench

“Thao is with Jesus now,” we told her, barely choking out the whisper. Jesus. This invisible being we sing about. Jesus. The baby in the manger? Jesus. How can we explain Jesus and death and loss and grief to a 3-year-old? And now, how can we not? We live it, breathe it, and dwell in loss since the death of her brother, our son, Thao. Here we are living a life we never wanted or dreamed of. Here we are navigating loss and death in a way our Creator never intended. What words can I use to describe death to...

Keep Reading

Even When You Can’t Find Joy, Jesus Is There

In: Faith, Grief, Loss
Sad woman through pane of rain covered glass

The international church service was vibrant with voices lifted up in songs of praise. Many clapped their hands and some even danced before God. But I wanted to be invisible. Joy felt like a land depicted in a fairy tale. I had returned from the hospital the day before—a surgery to remove the baby who had died in my womb. Watching this church buzz with happiness unearthed my fragileness. I slouched in my chair and closed my eyes. Tears trickled down my freckled face. My mind knew God was in control, but my heart ached as yet another thing I...

Keep Reading

He Mends Our Broken Hearts

In: Faith, Grief, Loss
Praying hands of woman with bracelets

Rays of soft sunlight streamed through the curtain onto the hospital bed. I stepped to the edge of the bed, taking a moment to soak in his face before gently holding his hand. Eighty-nine years is a rich, full life, and each passing day revealed more convincingly it was time for him to go. Grief and relief shared the space in my heart as I carried the weight of understanding each visit held the opportunity to be my last.  When he felt my hand, his eyes opened, and he gifted me a smile. Pop Pop always had a smile for...

Keep Reading

When I Feel Like a Failure, God Reminds Me of His Grace

In: Faith, Motherhood
Child hugs mother in sun flare

I’ve always been a teeth grinder, especially during times of high stress. Striving manifests itself physically through my teeth and jaw. I have even shifted several of my teeth from the grinding, moving my pearly whites to become crooked and a little unsightly. I should’ve known this morning that the night of grinding my teeth before was going to turn into a day of clenching my jaw. The spiritual warfare was intense, the temptations strong. I felt angry and burnt out.  After I finally laid my son down for a nap, I sat on the couch and told God, “I...

Keep Reading

My Father’s Faith

In: Faith, Grief
Man with grown daughter, color photo

I’ve been thinking a lot about legacy lately.  When my dad passed away in 2011, I lost the most influential person in my life. He was sacrificial in his love for me and others. His heart was devoted to the Lord, and it was evident to all who knew him. His death marked me in a significant way, and I still struggle with grief 11 years later. But his life marked me in an even greater way, and for that, I’m eternally grateful. As I reflect on legacy, I think about the impact that my dad’s faith had (and still...

Keep Reading

He’s the God of Small Things In Motherhood Too

In: Faith, Motherhood
Woman holding infant, black-and-white photo

Normally, on a Sunday afternoon during the girls’ naptime, I try to get some work done or lie down to rest. But a few days ago, I instead wrapped a blanket around my waist to keep warm and pulled cutting boards and pots out of the cupboard.  Before I had kids, I wondered what kind of mom I would be. In fact, I was pretty sure I knew. My outgoing and vivacious personality attracted kids to my side for years. Their energy matched mine, and we giggled and chased each other before collapsing on the floor. I pictured myself holding...

Keep Reading

Silence the Lie that Says You’re Too Much

In: Faith, Living
Mother and daughter smiling outside wearing sunglasses

As a kindergartner sometimes I tagged along to my mom’s work as a hotel housekeeper. While my mom worked, I played in the recreation room. Her boss checked on me and always had something fun to play with or a story to share.  One day, in a burst of excitement, I shared something special that happened over the weekend with the supervisor. The words bounded from my mouth like a puppy ready to play in the morning.  The boss chuckled, “Whoa, motor mouth! Slow down!” In a split second, my 5-year-old heart crumbled, and the lie that would follow me...

Keep Reading

Let’s Stop the Negative Talk about Marriage

In: Faith, Marriage
Square, wooden arch with floral and fabric in field, color photo

Growing up, I remember hearing many negative phrases used about marriage—on TV, by distant relatives, anywhere, really.  “The old ball and chain.” “All my wife does is nag.” “You’re happy in your marriage? You must still be in the honeymoon phase.” These are just a few examples of the many things I have heard for years that create a negative connotation around marriage. I never really thought much of it until I fell in love and got engaged to the man of my dreams. Can you guess what happened next? “Just wait . . .” I heard entirely too many...

Keep Reading

Dear Momma, I Will Be Your Friend

In: Faith, Friendship, Motherhood
Woman sitting in hammock with baby, color photo

Dear momma, You got this. Every fiber of your being was uniquely designed to do what you say you can’t. Your uniqueness, talents, drive, warmth, and smiles are all part of God’s perfect plan. Being a mother is no easy task. It requires the Lord, patience, endurance, steadfastness, and a friend. Dear momma, I’ll be your friend. We don’t have to have the same beliefs or ways of doing things to share our burdens with each other. Know that my walk weighs heavily on God, His strength, His peace and His purpose. I will share my heart with you and...

Keep Reading