I'm Afraid of Forgetting These Little Years

The Sweetest Mother's Day Gift!

I’m beginning to forget the earliest version of you.

Finer details that once took a place of pride in my mind are slipping through my fingers like tiny grains of sand.

Memories of you, of us, lie in wait as attempts to clench my brain shut all end in vain.

And it scares me.

Because although your little cry, gummy smile, and divine scent still linger in the back of my mind, hints are required to recall them to the forefront.

RELATED: Can We Just Stay Like This?

Days spent with you asleep on my chest, rocking, swaying, so you didn’t protest.

Moments I tried so desperately to be present for while impatiently counting down to the next.

The ones I muddled through so begrudgingly as I fought the need to rest my eyes.

Hours that morphed into weeks that then rolled into years.

An entire longed-for stage of life now fuzzy around the edges.

I’m beginning to forget the earliest version of myself. A period of time in which I was truly transformed from a woman to a new mother.

The vulnerability that left me exposed.

The uncertainty which drowned out my intuition.

RELATED: I Hope I Loved You Enough Today

The hesitation which clouded every decision.

And it scares me.

Because even though she’s not who I am today, I’m still so proud.

Because that was our beginning.

Early days that shaped us both. Long days incorporating growth, change, and figuring out how we fit together now that you were outside of my belly, safely in my arms.

And now you’re grown.

So independent, so curious. Fierce to a fault.

And so too have I.

So strong, so capable. Full of confidence.

RELATED: Embracing This Mustard Seed Motherhood

No longer clawing my way through the fog of sleep deprivation but swimming in the depths of this crazy life.

We’re on a new venture.

The next stage of life which will inevitably bring forward a whole range of skills and challenges for us to learn.

And we’ll be OK.

Because we have each other.

Because together we are perfect.

Because being your mom is a privilege I’ll forever work on being the best at, for you.

Previously published on the author’s Facebook page

So God Made a Grandmother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A GRANDMA

Order Now!

Lacey Owen

Lacey Owen is a busy New Zealand Mom of three gorgeous children who provide the basis for her blog @Laced with Love; experiences along her journey to becoming a Mother and all that Motherhood entails such as miscarriage, birth, ill babies, secondary infertility and raising young children. She works part time as a health professional and is a self confessed crazy cat lady!

To My Angel Babies

In: Baby, Loss

To my three angel babies, From the moment I saw that first positive pregnancy test, you became a part of me. You were never just an idea, a hope, or a dream—you were my babies. I loved you from the very beginning, and I still do. Not a day passes that I don’t think of you or pray for you. I dreamt of watching you grow up with your big brother, dreamt of who you would become, and all the memories we’d make. You may have been tiny, but the dreams I had for you were not. To some, you...

Keep Reading

Having a Holiday Baby Is Extra Special

In: Baby, Motherhood

Newborn baby in santa hat sleeping with lights around him

“That’s right, my secondborn will have mashed potato cakes every year for his birthday,” I say with a forced laugh, knowing exactly how cheesy I sound. My husband and I didn’t exactly plan for a holiday baby, but here we are. Our due date is November 21st, so depending on the year, our son may often share a birthday party with the holiday of gratitude and pumpkin everything. When people find out when we are expecting, the responses are usually mixed, like they’re unsure what to say. These statements range anywhere from a slightly sarcastic “Oh, that will be a...

Keep Reading

I’d Given Up on Getting Pregnant‚ But Hope Had Other Plans

In: Baby, Motherhood

This is the story I wish someone had shared with me when I was losing all hope. I never imagined I would be the one writing this. But here I am, opening up about something that once felt too painful to say out loud. A truth I believed I would carry silently forever: I had given up on becoming pregnant. After five years. Five years that left me emotionally worn out, physically drained, financially stretched, and spiritually defeated. Five years that included five separate rounds of ovulation-stimulating medication. (I’m purposely leaving out the name to protect others from self-medicating.) Eventually,...

Keep Reading

It’s a Good Day To Celebrate Your Rainbow Baby

In: Baby, Grief, Motherhood

Rainbow baby lying on blanket with onesie that says "rainbow"

Dear Mama, Today, take a moment for yourself. A moment to reflect on this powerful journey. And just soak it in. Soak every single second of it in. Hold that baby a little longer. A little tighter. Smell their sweet little head and stare into their big, beautiful eyes. Whether it’s been a day, a week, a month, or longer since that precious little life joined the world, chances are it’s flying by. So take a minute to slow down, soak it in, and celebrate. Celebrate this little miracle you prayed for so hard. This little human you and your...

Keep Reading

What Comes after the NICU? Sometimes It’s the Struggle No One Sees.

In: Baby, Motherhood

Mother sitting beside preemie in a NICU basinette

They clap when you bring the baby home—finally, miraculously, out of the NICU. They celebrate the milestones, the trials overcome, and mark the battle as won. You made it. You’re home. You’re okay, the baby’s okay. But what about what comes after? What about the silence that follows the storm? The slow, aching process of unpacking trauma no one talks about, and few understand. The wounds no one sees. The moments you’re expected to be grateful when you’re still gasping for air. The days spent trying to be okay, when so much of the past few months have been very...

Keep Reading

Surprise! I’m 42 and Pregnant.

In: Baby, Motherhood

Pregnant woman holding belly, black and white image

Seven years after I gave birth to my youngest child, I made an appointment with my primary care physician. I was 42, had been sick and fatigued, and thought I might have diabetes, thyroid cancer, or be going into menopause. When she asked if I could be pregnant, I laughed. I mean, it had been six months since my husband and I had been intimate—not the recipe for pregnancy. Then, the hCG test came back at 66,000. Shocked doesn’t even begin to encompass my feelings. A little backstory: When our youngest was two, my husband and I tried for a...

Keep Reading

To the Moms of COVID Babies Turning Five

In: Baby, Motherhood

Elevator door in hospital during COVID-19 pandemic

To the mamas of babies now turning five, the ones born during the height of the COVID-19 pandemic. Alone, masked, giving birth in a hospital filled with fear and protocols. Some of you left through back hallways or maintenance elevators—quiet exits where there should’ve been balloons and cheers. The ones with no hospital visitors, no sibling introductions, no joyful flood of family holding your newborn. No newborn photos, no parties, no sweet “welcome to the world” celebrations. Just fear. Isolation. Quiet. Survival. You missed out on moments you dreamed of. And if that baby was your last, it might ache...

Keep Reading

Dear Mama, There’s a Story In Your C-Section Scar

In: Baby, Motherhood

I’ve given birth four times. Each experience has been uniquely different and beautiful. My last baby was born by Caesarean section after a complicated and traumatic pregnancy. After three natural deliveries, the thought of a major surgery to bring my baby earthside TERRIFIED me. Having a C-section never made me feel like I was taking “the easy way out.” Never did I hold myself to a different standard than other moms. Never did I feel like I had failed in birth or motherhood. In fact, it was the complete opposite. Enduring major surgery while entering into the most vulnerable days...

Keep Reading

He Was Almost the Boy I Let Get away

In: Baby, Motherhood

After two kids, two miscarriages, and a journey through postpartum depression, I was afraid to keep trying for the third baby I always knew I wanted. As I looked at the second negative pregnancy test, I felt a familiar range of emotions. I wasn’t sure whether to be relieved or disappointed. Did I feel relief because for another month I could avoid the daily fear of worrying I might miscarry again and spare the girls, my husband, and me from getting our hopes up just to have them crushed again? Did I feel relief because I was scared of going...

Keep Reading

Dear C-Section Mom, It’s Natural to Feel Whatever You Do

In: Baby, Motherhood

Woman with c-section scar holds baby on hip

When I was eight months pregnant with my firstborn, I thought I had it all figured out. I’d read the books, attended the birthing classes, and listened to the podcasts. I crafted a cutesy birth plan handout with a very clear message for the hospital staff: a natural, intervention-free birth. Ideally, there’d be some soothing instrumental music in the background to make it all feel organic and magical. I practiced my deep breathing and yoga ball moves. I packed the essential oils. I was ready. In reality, the complete opposite happened. I hit 39 weeks at the start of a...

Keep Reading

The Smell of Lime To An Alcoholic's Daughter

Living

The Smell of Lime To An Alcoholic's Daughter

Having a Daughter is So Much More Than I Thought it Would Be

Kids

I’m Afraid of Forgetting These Little Years

RELATED: Can We Just Stay Like This?

Moments I tried so desperately to be present for while impatiently counting down to the next.

RELATED: I Hope I Loved You Enough Today

Because that was our beginning.

RELATED: Embracing This Mustard Seed Motherhood

We’re on a new venture.

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A GRANDMA

Lacey Owen

To My Angel Babies

Having a Holiday Baby Is Extra Special

I’d Given Up on Getting Pregnant‚ But Hope Had Other Plans

It’s a Good Day To Celebrate Your Rainbow Baby

What Comes after the NICU? Sometimes It’s the Struggle No One Sees.

Surprise! I’m 42 and Pregnant.

To the Moms of COVID Babies Turning Five

Dear Mama, There’s a Story In Your C-Section Scar

He Was Almost the Boy I Let Get away

Dear C-Section Mom, It’s Natural to Feel Whatever You Do

Get It Now

So God Made a Mother

I’m Afraid of Forgetting These Little Years

Moments I tried so desperately to be present for while impatiently counting down to the next.

Because that was our beginning.

We’re on a new venture.

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A GRANDMA

To My Angel Babies

Having a Holiday Baby Is Extra Special

I’d Given Up on Getting Pregnant‚ But Hope Had Other Plans

It’s a Good Day To Celebrate Your Rainbow Baby

What Comes after the NICU? Sometimes It’s the Struggle No One Sees.

Surprise! I’m 42 and Pregnant.

To the Moms of COVID Babies Turning Five

Dear Mama, There’s a Story In Your C-Section Scar

He Was Almost the Boy I Let Get away

Dear C-Section Mom, It’s Natural to Feel Whatever You Do

Previous Post

Next Post

You May Also Like