You were the second. The second child who, as a mother, I wondered if I could love as much and as fiercely as my first. It’s true, I’m ashamed to admit. As much as you were so desperately prayed for, I was scared. So, so scared. I was scared I was going to fail you.

You were the second. And already so loved. But, you see, your brother was my whole entire world. My everything. He made me a mother and gave me all the firsts. My lap was only so big. My heart was only so big. There was only so much time in a day. Right? So I was also scared to fail your brother once you were here. How could there be that much love to go around? I’d have to break myself into pieces. I’d have to borrow from him to give to you, I thought.

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You were the second, and I was so unbelievably scared you would feel like the second. Like the backup. Or the second string. My emotions would play tug-of-war with the now two little people who deserve to be put first, always. How was that going to work?

I cried myself to sleep for months leading up to your birth and asked God to add strength to my soul and place peace in my heart. But . . . my second, it only took a second. 

The second I saw your face a wave of relief came over me as I let out a breath full of pent-up doubts. I wasn’t going to fail you. I could never.

The second I breathed you in, it was as if my heart had a nuclear reaction that caused it to explode, compounding in size to make room for an infinite amount of love. There was more than enough room to hold both your and your brother’s hearts in mine. The love doesn’t divide, it multiplies.

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The second I looked into your eyes, I saw a flash of your future. Those eyes showed you were destined to be something great. There would be no second string or backup place in your path. You were your own little miracle, with your own big plans.

The second I held you I knew you would be so loved and so protected. When I felt your weight on my chest, it was as if a weight had actually been lifted. God had given me what I had prayed for. That new strength for my soul and new peace in my heart was there with you here. My second, it only took a second.

Originally published on the author’s Facebook page