You were the second. The second child who, as a mother, I wondered if I could love as much and as fiercely as my first. It’s true, I’m ashamed to admit. As much as you were so desperately prayed for, I was scared. So, so scared. I was scared I was going to fail you.

You were the second. And already so loved. But, you see, your brother was my whole entire world. My everything. He made me a mother and gave me all the firsts. My lap was only so big. My heart was only so big. There was only so much time in a day. Right? So I was also scared to fail your brother once you were here. How could there be that much love to go around? I’d have to break myself into pieces. I’d have to borrow from him to give to you, I thought.

RELATED: Dear Mama, Your Love Doesn’t Divide—It Multiplies

You were the second, and I was so unbelievably scared you would feel like the second. Like the backup. Or the second string. My emotions would play tug-of-war with the now two little people who deserve to be put first, always. How was that going to work?

I cried myself to sleep for months leading up to your birth and asked God to add strength to my soul and place peace in my heart. But . . . my second, it only took a second. 

The second I saw your face a wave of relief came over me as I let out a breath full of pent-up doubts. I wasn’t going to fail you. I could never.

The second I breathed you in, it was as if my heart had a nuclear reaction that caused it to explode, compounding in size to make room for an infinite amount of love. There was more than enough room to hold both your and your brother’s hearts in mine. The love doesn’t divide, it multiplies.

RELATED: Dear Second Child: My Love For You is Second to None

The second I looked into your eyes, I saw a flash of your future. Those eyes showed you were destined to be something great. There would be no second string or backup place in your path. You were your own little miracle, with your own big plans.

The second I held you I knew you would be so loved and so protected. When I felt your weight on my chest, it was as if a weight had actually been lifted. God had given me what I had prayed for. That new strength for my soul and new peace in my heart was there with you here. My second, it only took a second.

Originally published on the author’s Facebook page

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Dear Second Child, I Love You the Same

In: Motherhood
Mother holding infant, black-and-white photo

Dear second child, I love you just the same. I needed to say it. I needed to hear myself say it. I needed YOU to hear me say it. The time between that second pink line and your first cry is a blur. I don’t get to hold you as often as I would like because my hands are always busy. You spend a lot of time being rocked by your swing or sung to by your toys. RELATED: I Hope I Loved You Enough Today I don’t always get to soothe your cry the moment it sounds.  With your...

Keep Reading

To My Firstborn: A New Baby May Divide My Attention But Not My Love

In: Baby, Kids, Motherhood

Sweet babe, have you heard the news? You’re going to be a big sibling! Our family is growing, and there will be a new, squishy baby to love on and to welcome home.  This baby will be a little different from your baby doll. This baby won’t need you to feed them toy carrots or make them beds of blankets. But, they will definitely need your sweet kisses and lullabies. It’s made my heart melt watching how loving and attentive you are, and I know you’ll be ready for this new role as a big sibling.  It will be beautiful,...

Keep Reading

I’ll Have Two Under Two and Enough Love For Both

In: Baby, Faith, Motherhood
Baby boy next to sign that says big brother, color photo

My whole world felt complete the day I gave birth to my son. We had tried and tried to get pregnant and prayed ceaselessly for an answer. There had always been a burning desire within my heart to be a mother, and I was determined to make it happen. But the journey to motherhood was emotional and draining. I fell into a depression as month after month, test after test, my dream was put on hold.  There is one conversation that sticks out to me, even to this day. I was out with a group of girlfriends engaging in our...

Keep Reading