I did something new today: I scheduled a cry.
I felt it welling up inside me for most of the afternoon, but I honestly didn’t have time. Here comes the bus, snack time, homework time, take this one to dance, pick that one up from drama club, get dinner on the table before the wrestling match, pick that one back up from dance, then bath time for the babies, now the oldest has to head back to dance . . .
It was a busy evening, even busier than usual. And I really wanted to let it out, I needed to let it out. I felt so overwhelmed, confused, exhausted, and defeated all at once, but I knew I literally just did not have time for any tears today.
So I stuffed it.
I held it in even though I knew it needed out. So then finally, I scheduled it.
Just in the same way I pulled off the rest of the chaotic logistics of the evening, I put it on the to-do list and sorted it as a priority.
Go ahead and call me crazy, but if I don’t put pen to paper and stick something in a certain hourly slot, it most likely just won’t get done. Not because this lady is lazy and simply sits around but because I’ll be moving right on to the next thing that’s begging for my attention. And so, these kinds of things, the ones that only involve me, easily get pushed aside and forgotten.
But I knew this was important. I knew this was inevitable, and it needed my attention. I knew if it didn’t happen, I surely wouldn’t be able to make it to the end of the week.
So I shuffled the slots around a bit and found a spot, a sweet (nearly) silent spot. It was waiting for me now.
I knew it was coming, and that alone already started to put me at ease and calm whatever was brewing inside me.
When the babies go down and the big kid is home, before the boys get back—that’s when I’ll let it out.
That’s when I’ll cry into the pillow. That’s when I’ll pray the desperate pleas. That’s when I’ll take a moment for myself. Even if it’s a snotty, sad-looking kind of self-care sesh, I know it’s needed and it’s necessary and it’s worthy of my time.
So without any shame, I scheduled it.
Because this stay-at-home momma can’t always hold it all together all on her own.
She needs to be allowed to just be sad sometimes, she needs some seriously quiet moments, some uninterrupted silent tears. And she needs her Savior, just as much as she ever has—and so to pull it all off, sometimes she’s just gotta put it on the schedule . . . put herself on her schedule.
(And now it’s safe to say, she’s so glad she did.)