Before you read another word, let me get this out of the way: I understand parents are busy. I understand we’re constantly searching for any and all kinds of convenience when it comes to raising our kids. I understand we’re all just trying to do our best and what’s good for the goose isn’t always great for the gander.

I get it. 

But mothers and fathers of the 21st century, I think we may need a reality check.

Because there’s no way on God’s green earth I will be strapping an electronic sensor onto my baby’s diaper and waiting for text alerts to tell me when she needs to be changed.

No. Freaking. Way.

But alas, Pampers must have identified a market clamoring for just this technology, as the company announced it will be launching a “smart diaper” system called Lumi this fall. According to Pampers, Lumi is “the world’s first all-in-one Connected Care System” that will not only track feedings and sleep schedules (features I can almost bring myself to justify), the sensor that sticks onto Lumi disposable diapers will beam out the Bat-signal to an app that will notify Mom or Dad that Junior is jonesing for a fresh digitized diaper. 

The promotional video for Lumi touts a high-tech, integrated monitor and tracking device that work together to “show you what you need to know about your baby at a glance, so you can make decisions with confidence from day one.” 

Later, we see a sample notification appearing on a sleeping mother’s smartphone. A happy little icon and a “Claire’s diaper is very wet” prompt appears as Mom climbs out of bed to blissfully tend to her baby. 

Alright, deep breath, expectant parents of the world. I’m going to address you, as I have a sneaking suspicion Pampers is zeroing in on you with this flashy technology:  

You are about to enter the vast, unknown world called parenthood. As you await your blessed arrival, you find yourself vacillating between joyful anticipation and paralyzing fear. You’ve never done this before! There are so many unknowns! The kid can’t form rudimentary words for at least six months—another nine of 12 before he can begin to use those words to actually express coherent things. How are you supposed to know when he needs something important like a diaper change?! 

Dear, sweet, about-to-be parents . . . God gave babies handy little communication tools you’ll soon become familiar with: crying. And grunting. And squirming. And fussing. 

In addition to these highly useful indicators, God also bestowed on YOU, as his or her parents, supernatural powers of deduction in the form of eyesight, hearing abilities, and hands that can feel squishy things like wet diapers. Those senses, when triggered, dependably fire the synapses in your brain that say, “This baby needs a new diaper.” 

If you’ve seen the movie Inside Out, think of it this way: the control center of your brain has a new little animated friend bouncing around named Intuition. And Intuition is smart and capable and divinely designed to be in-tune with her offspring.

All without the annoyance of checking a smartphone first to see if your smart diaper thinks it’s time for your smart baby to be changed.

YOU CAN DO THIS. You really, really can. Your baby will make it abundantly clear when he is unhappy. That same baby will also let you know when he’s content. 

You’re smart enough just as you are, Mom and Dad. 

I. Promise. 

Carolyn Moore

Carolyn traded a career in local TV news for a gig as a stay-at-home mom, where the days are just as busy and the pay is only slightly worse. She lives in flyover country with her husband and four young kids, and occasionally writes about raising them at Assignment Mom