It was tough. It was painful. It was hard to understand. I spent time grieving. At the end of the day, I decided God was telling me that I cannot control everything at a point in my life when I was attempting to do just that. Seeing pregnancy announcements or families with newborns, I immediately reach for my belly. I still think about how, right now, I should be just a month away from having a baby.
While everyone’s loss, heartache, and story is different, the baby we never met turned into our blessing. I have thought a long time on how to approach this post, and if I should even share it at all. But, as we approach the due date of our second child, I decided it was time.
This is my story.
I am very much a planner, at times this is extremely helpful and other times it is more frustrating than you can imagine. With our son, we had our 5-year plan – get married and wait 5 years before having children. We ended up hitting that plan almost perfectly, as our son was born 2 weeks after our 5th wedding anniversary. At that point, we didn’t have a concrete plan for our second child but knew we wanted about a 2-3 year age gap between them.
We decided we were ready for another. So at around the same time of year that we got pregnant with our first, we started trying for our next. It just made sense, right? The seasons would be the same for clothing, I enjoyed the pregnancy timing with my son, etc.
It took a few months of trying, but the timing lined up perfect. The day I was expecting to get my period I had my annual “lady” exam. With this on my mind and no signs of anything starting, I was pretty excited about my appointment. After the nurse asked me to confirm twice when my last period was, I finally explained to her that I was hoping the normal pee test would reveal some exciting news. When she came around the corner I was greeted with a smile and she gave me a hug while telling me “Congrats.” After meeting with the doctor, we set up an ultrasound for the next month to confirm my dates.
Shortly after my appointment, I started a new job. Things were on the up-and-up, it looked as though we had everything. Little did I know, four weeks later we would be sitting in that same room at the doctor’s office, waiting for the doctor to confirm the results of the ultrasound…
The weekend before my scheduled ultrasound, I started bleeding. Doing what every expectant mother does, I reached out to some friends who encouraged me to go into the doctor that Monday. I knew that this early on, there was nothing the doctors could do, other than confirm our worst fears. I called anyway, but they didn’t have any available appointments. So, we moved it up my original appointment from later that week to Tuesday.
The night before our appointment, my husband and I talked how a few weeks prior we thought it was all falling in place. We were overjoyed that our family would be growing and that my new job looked promising. But that month in between the appointments was tough. For me, the first trimester stinks. The all-day nauseous feeling, the extreme fatigue, etc. – it adds up. While I was dealing with all that the first trimester entails, I was quickly finding out that my new job was not at all what I thought it was going to be. Our discussion turned into a real heart-to-heart about what was really going on with me.
A few short weeks after feeling like I was on top of the world, I found myself embraced by the same nurse who had hugged me just a few weeks prior. But this hug was for a totally different reason. I felt like I was failing at life.
My new job was a huge letdown and our baby was slipping away from us. How you can go from the top of the world to what appears to be the bottom so quickly? I still don’t know. But what I do know now that time has passed, is that in every situation there are two ways to look at things. I was hurt, sad, and grieving, but as we talked, we found out what was missing – my confidence.
My confidence had somehow disappeared in the past few years. I was afraid of being, and showing, the real me. Something drastic needed to change. As I reflect back now, it doesn’t make what we went through any easier. I still get sad, but knowing what has happened since our miscarriage has allowed me to be at peace.
Our pregnancy lasted only a short eight weeks, but it has been our greatest blessing. The loss our family endured has turned into so much more. From the conversation that happened the night before our ultrasound appointment, my husband and I decided that I would quit my new job to become my own boss. Our baby pushed me to launch a business that I will not let fail.
Our baby set me free.
God had a different plan for us than the one that I saw. There are still days I place my hand on my belly and find myself crying, wondering whether he or she would have had his or her older brother’s personality or my eyes. The baby we never got to meet has given me the confidence to live out my passion – inspiring others to live out their dreams. Every day I feel blessed.
In the moment, we always question. Why me? Why right now? Can I do anything right? It takes time, sometimes a long time, yet eventually the answers become known. When it appears your life has hit rock bottom, I encourage you to stop and look around. Try to see what God may be showing you that you were trying desperately to ignore. Find a way to turn your loss and heartache into your greatest blessing.