You know what? I will never be the same! This I know for a fact. I started thinking back to how it felt and what I went through during these last two plus years. It made me realize each of us goes through loss differently. We were all created differently so I believe we grieve differently but, yet similarly.

I know it doesn’t really seem right. Think of it this way.

Similar meaning it’s a loss of a loved one. The difference is we are all at different ages, our personalities are different, some of us are parents some of us are siblings. We are grieving in different situations, but yet grieving. I have learned grief does not have a recipe that makes it perfect. There are a set of ideas on how grief may affect each of us, but no guarantees we will only go through it once or even get through it.

I remember thinking before Tyler’s accident that my life was pretty good. I never related my life to a special event that happened. But now, a little over 2 years later, everything relates to before or after Tyler’s accident. Why? Well, in my mind it’s because it was a BIG change in my life…the new normal. I really look at life differently. Everything that was a big deal before is very minor. I don’t sweat the small stuff and honestly I don’t even get upset. It’s crazy. 

The first year I would say I existed. I mean I really didn’t feel anything. I can remember going to Walmart with a list, not being able to find items, and not having the energy to look or care. I was very forgetful, seemed like I was in outer space, and many times I really wasn’t thinking of anything. It was going through the daily motions in a fog. It’s where you do and hear things but are slow to process and remember. It’s what I call existing.

However, the second year has been more of a struggle for me. I’m sure it’s because the reality of Tyler being gone is becoming more real. I think the first year was a silent hope that he was still at school or practice and was going to walk through the door. The second year brought the reality that Tyler was not coming home and his picture was all I have left.

I know it doesn’t matter what phase of grief you are going through but, you may be feeling similar things. Just know it’s your new normal. There is not a recipe for the perfect combination of grief. We all grieve differently at different times and in different ways. It’s OK to feel what you are feeling or just existing. I know my family, friends and faith are a big part of what gets me through this new normal. I would not be where I am at today without looking to God for his help. So no matter how hard it seems just know that he is there to help you, all you have to do is ask!

Here’s a scripture I go to: The Lord is my strength and my shield; my heart trusts in him, and I am helped. Psalm 28:7

Missy Hillmer

I am Ma to the four Shorties. I am married to Craig, fellow educator and college football fanatic. Jesus and a good cup of coffee make me a happy girl. Teaching middle school science and front porch rockin’ are two of my many daily adventures.