The first time I heard a comment about the number of boys I had, I was heavily pregnant with my fourth baby. Making small talk with a cashier in a shop, I told her I thought I was having another boy and mentioned I already had one daughter and two boys at home.
She gasped, “Oh, that poor girl, with three brothers.”
I smiled politely and moved on, but that comment lingered with me. It made me realise how deeply assumptions about gender can shape the way people imagine families.
Two and a half years later, I’m sitting here with my five-month-old son, my only daughter’s fourth brother. Since that comment, our hearts are fuller and our home is louder, but the reactions to its gender makeup remain much the same. I’ve learned to laugh some of them off, but others still catch me off guard. And when these comments are made in front of my children, it’s a stark reminder of how easily passing remarks can shape the way they see themselves and each other.
“That poor girl” comment is still the one I hear most, but what they don’t see is that she is far from “poor.” She is the oldest, and boy, (no pun intended), does it suit her. A natural leader, she is at the helm of their relationship. In between the normal sibling fights, they adore her and follow her lead. In our family, she has taught them to be kind and compassionate, not because she’s a girl, but because that’s just who she is. Yes, they fight, but they also have a bond that has nothing to do with gender and everything to do with growing up in the same chaotic, but loving family.
A question I am often asked is, “Are you going to try again for a girl?” While this usually comes from a place of kindness, as someone who still carries the emotional burden of pregnancy loss, this hits hard. There was a time I had a different idea of what my family would look like, and during my second pregnancy, I felt that tug of grief over my daughter not having a sister. Gender disappointment is real and valid—and something I know many parents experience, even if they don’t say it out loud. I’m a strong believer that the universe knows just what you need, even if you don’t understand it at that moment, and each of my children came to me exactly when they were meant to.
Then come the jokes about “strong genes.” Meant light-heartedly and said in jest, saying this overlooks something important. Women lose themselves when they are pregnant, physically, emotionally, and mentally. Growing, birthing, and loving my five babies has taken so much from me, but my sons don’t exist because my husband’s genes were stronger than mine; they are here because my body grew them, nurtured them, and birthed them. Comments like this make me feel that the journey I took to bring five pieces of my heart and soul into the world has been forgotten.
The assumptions don’t stop there. My daughter is often called my “little princess,” a title that only fits her occasionally. She is a determined 9-year-old girl who loves reading and Taylor Swift as much as she loves wrestling with her brothers and instigating the poo jokes. In our home, there are no “girl toys” or “boy colors,” just the things they love and a safe space to play as they want to, be who they want to be, and learn to be inclusive of everyone.
But the comment that makes me pause the most is: “She’ll be so protected with all those brothers.” There is sentiment behind this, but I want more for my children. I want my daughter to trust her instincts and know her voice has worth all on its own, not because she has four brothers protecting her. And I don’t want my sons to feel burdened by the responsibility of their sister’s safety just because they are boys. I hope my children grow up united in protecting each other, not just because one of them is a girl.
Having one daughter and four sons may not be the typical family makeup, but for us, it’s normal. It’s chaotic, messy, and full of arguments, but it’s also beautiful and full of love. And while most comments come from a place of curiosity or humor, they still leave echoes in the small ears that hear them. If you see a family that is different from your own, I have found that kind questions about what they love about each other are enough.
And for us, our answer to that question is “everything.”
by Kiley Hillner 
