Two men on the same parenting journey see things a bit differently. Read to the end for this British dad’s hilarious take on what it’s like to be a father if you’re not a famous A-list celebrity.
Ever since his cinematic debut as Legolas in the Lord of the Rings film series, celebrity actor Orlando Bloom has been capturing hearts around the world. Let’s be honest, we all know why our wives were so excited when Pirates of the Caribbean hit theatres.
Outside of fantasy, there’s not much that makes Mr. Bloom relatable to the average Joe. However, parenthood tends to have a humbling effect on most people, and there were some of us who were curious to know how the dashing megastar was going to adjust back to life with a newborn (his second child and first daughter with American singer Katy Perry).
Well, apparently things are just peachy for the Sindar Elf, which he elaborated on in a recent interview for The Sunday Times Magazine.
The column, “A Life in the Day,” is supposed to provide an inside perspective on the star’s daily routine and current lifestyle in Los Angeles. However, as any non-celebrity parent will tell you, Mr. Bloom’s experience is far—like, farther than the distance between the Shire and Mordor—from the norm.
He begins: “I wake up at around 6:30. I have a smart ring sleep tracker and the first thing I do is look at the app to see if I’ve had a good sleep and check my readiness for the day.”
Opting to let Perry sleep in, he describes how he goes to get his daughter who is up and “cooing” from her crib.
“I’ll do eye-gazing with her and sing songs, ‘Daddy loves his Daisy Dove,’ so she knows who Daddy is.”
A professed Capricorn who craves routine, Bloom says he chants religiously for 20 minutes every day, reads a bit of Buddhism, and then types it up and puts it on his Instagram stories. But other than that, the star avoids his phone because he doesn’t want to “be sucked into the black hole of social media.”
He goes on to say he likes to “earn” his breakfast with a vigorous hike while listening to Nirvana or Storm Temple Pilots, so he mixes plant-based powders with something called brain octane oil to tide him over until then.
Brain octane oil? How very natural and holistic . . . whatever that is.
The rest of the day Bloom builds LEGOs, lifts weights, reads scripts, and eats a completely plant-based diet, with the exception of “a really good piece of red meat maybe once a month.”
After a full day, he winds down by watching a film or documentary before going to bed at 11 p.m.
“Time is so precious,” he ends. “I was always giving my time to other people before. Now I have space to dream.”
You’ll have to read the whole thing yourself, but it’s pretty hard to take him seriously . . . or keep from cracking up.
The best part of all? A British comedian from the Lake District decided to write his own parody of the column, which just so happens to be one of the funniest things we’ve read in a long time.
“I wake up around 6 a.m. and feel absolutely f***ed,” Otway begins. “I can hear my eldest daughter screaming a blood-curling cry, devastated she can’t find her cuddly toy. I go in and find it in her bed, right next to her. I love her dearly but could happily never see her before 10 a.m. for the rest of my life.”
Yep, that definitely sounds more accurate.
“I get my second daughter from upstairs and she looks up at me as I check my social media. I’ve bought a phone case with my face on the back so she knows what I look like.”
We’re dying at this point. Also, kudos on the amazing #dadhack.
“By the evening everyone is tired but no one wants to sleep. We put the children to bed then spend the next three hours walking upstairs to tell them to sleep. With the precious time I have I lay traps in the living room for the rats I hear under the floorboards. Now I have space to dream.”
Everything about this spoof absolutely screams funny, and we aren’t the only ones who think so! Otway’s post quickly went viral on Facebook, with fans guffawing over everything from the unflattering bio picture he included with his take to the way he perfectly mimics Bloom’s writing style and paragraph structure while adding his own satirical twist.
We can only hope Bloom doesn’t take himself so seriously, either.
For the full text of both columns, check out Otway’s Facebook post here.