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Well Dear Readers, I’m still here. Good old Arkansas and I are becoming BFFs.

Actually, let’s be real. I’m still struggling. Some days I’m even struggling real hard. Other days I’m not. I’ve decided that this is an extreme roller coaster, like the ones they feature on the Travel Channel. Some moments (days, even weeks) are so thrilling and exciting that I can hardly catch my breath. Yet, there are also moments of complete and utter dread, sorrow, and confusion and they make me feel like my stomach is going to fall out. There are hours where my head spins with questions: Why did God send us to a place where we know no one? Why haven’t I found a job yet? When will this feel normal? Why didn’t we just choose to be safe in our life choices? Why can’t this be easier? WHY WHY WHY?!?! Quite honestly, I’m acting like a whiny 5-year-old. I’m kicking and screaming – I’m flailing my arms and legs.

I ASKED God for this. I prayed specifically that my family be sent where we would be challenged to love God more deeply and rely more heavily on him.

And here we are.

Where is my thankful heart? My blind faith? My trusting spirit? I lost it. I was starting to get a tad bitter.

Then something happened. I turned back to the One who sent us. The One I had asked to send us. One day last week I decided to open my Bible and to talk to Him again. No big revelations came – no big mysteries were solved. But in that moment I realized that I had been leaving Him out of the equation other than to spitefully question and scream at Him. And since I have opened the door, God has begun to talk to me again (although, I don’t think He ever stopped, I just quit listening). This Sunday at church we sang a song called Never Once and it spoke so specifically to my heart that I knew God was whispering in my ear: I’m here. I didn’t leave you. I didn’t forsake you. I have a plan. I am faithful. Trust. TRUST.

 And the fact of the matter is, He IS faithful. He always has been and always will be. Even in the moments in my life where I have been so distraught, I can look back and see so clearly that He was there and He did have a plan and that plan was so good. It might not have been an easy plan, but it was always a perfect plan. I hope and pray that you can see that in your life as well.

On Monday my only child started Kindergarten. As you can imagine, this was difficult for us both. I have been sentimental about this transition and she has been incredibly nervous. She expressed more worry the morning of her first day, so after she was dressed and teeth were brushed, I sat her down and I drew a heart on her hand. I told her that any time she got nervous, sad, or was worried during her day, she could look down at her hand. The heart will remind her that daddy and mommy love her so much, are proud of her, and are praying for her. I told her that when she looks at the heart, she can relax because she is not alone. She smiled at me and was ready for her day.

You guys, I need that reminder. I need the reminder that I am not alone. God is with me and He cares deeply for me. So for the next who-knows-how-long, I am searching out things that remind me of those truths and holding tight to them.

In the meantime, I’m once again praying that He takes me deeper than I can see but now I’m also breathing in His beautiful grace and breathing out His praise. Does this make this transition any easier? No, not really. But I have more peace. And that helps a lot.

 

Below is the song I mentioned above. I hope it gives you encouragement today and reminds you of God’s unending faithfulness.

 

Never Once {Matt Redman}
Standing on this mountaintop
Looking just how far we’ve come
Knowing that for every step
You were with us

Kneeling on this battle ground
Seeing just how much You’ve done
Knowing every victory
Is Your power in us

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Yes, our hearts can say

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Scars and struggles on the way
But with joy our hearts can say
Never once did we ever walk alone
Carried by Your constant grace
Held within Your perfect peace
Never once, no, we never walk alone

Never once did we ever walk alone
Never once did You leave us on our own
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

Every step we are breathing in Your grace
Evermore we’ll be breathing out Your praise
You are faithful, God, You are faithful
You are faithful, God, You are faithful

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

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