On January 30, 2021 we lost our baby boy. I’d carried him for nearly 15 weeks when my water unexpectedly broke one night, and we miscarried. Just over a year later on February 10, 2022, I found out I was pregnant with our rainbow baby. 

But I wasn’t ready. 

I recall feeling out of sorts, thinking the last time I felt this way was during my first pregnancy, but there was no way we could be pregnant again. I anxiously awaited the results of a pregnancy test, and there it was: two pink lines. 

But I wasn’t ready.  

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When I finally found the nerve to tell my husband, his smile and excitement lit up the room. He grabbed me in a hug and told me how happy he was.

But I wasn’t ready. 

A few days after we found out, we had our first appointment where there were many blood tests run, an ultrasound, and a long conversation about how this pregnancy would be different. We were given options and information—more than we knew what to do with. My husband was so full of hope. 

But I wasn’t ready. 

We had over 50 doctors appointments with OB/GYNs, high-risk doctors, nurse practitioners, dietitians, lab techs, ultrasound techs, and nurses. Every appointment provided good news of baby’s good health and growth. 

But I wasn’t ready. 

Throughout our pregnancy, we did all the things pregnant couples do. We did fun announcements with our families, had a gender reveal, baby showers, shopped for baby furniture and the perfect baby outfits, decorated her nursery, and talked about all the things we couldn’t wait to do with her as she grew up. 

But I wasn’t ready. 

On October 7, 2022, I gave birth via cesarean to a healthy 7lb, 5oz baby girl. She was beautiful and perfect from the first second I laid eyes on her. 

And finally, it all felt . . . right.  

I wasn’t ready, but God knew at this exact time she was everything I needed. His timing is always perfect, whether we’re ready or not.