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I am sitting here crying while I type this. I am hurting and I can’t even pinpoint from what. Rejection. Depression. Divorce. Loneliness. Not quite belonging. Disconnect with God. All the responsibility of being an adult and single parent. Yearning for something. Waiting. Fear. Longing to fit in. It’s all just pouring out of me. I can’t hold it in anymore. 

I am allowing myself to feel the pain. Because feeling the pain is healing the pain. I was never running from it, just holding it at arm’s length away. That wasn’t a good time for me to feel so therefore I won’t. Now it is all crashing down on me. I pray that it washes me clean. 

Depression is a liar. It makes me believe I will never get better, I will never feel joy again. It is lying to me over and over again. I am sitting here sobbing because I know the lies are part of the darkness but I can’t shake them off. They whisper in my ear. I am not worthy. No one wants me. No one cares. 

Divorce is a liar. It makes me believe I am not worthy of love, marriage, belonging. Rejection is a sharp-edged blade in my heart. If a man I desperately loved doesn’t want me, then who will? Divorce placed me in a life I never imagined living. It is lonely and cruel. Taking away my old dreams and giving me new ones, but ones that don’t feel quite real yet. 

Rejection is a liar. It makes me believe this is all my fault. I am the problem. I am unlovable. My big personality, my big heart, my big voice. Parts of me that make me undesirable. There is something wrong with me because people reject me. Me and all that I am. 

Loneliness is a liar. It makes me believe this feeling of being alone is permanent. I will never find another man to share my heart with. I will never have that real connection of belonging. I am doomed to live alone. Loneliness makes me believe I am a burden to my friends and family. They have to put up with me since I am alone. 

Society is a liar. It makes me believe to be happy and successful, I need to be thin, with rock hard abs and a perfect body. I will only move forward by showing perfection and shiny happiness. So I feel guilty when I am sad or having a rough day. I am not grateful enough for the life I have. Others have it way worse than me. Therefore, I should only be thankful and #blessed. 

The devil is a liar. He makes me believe God’s promises are not true. Why would God, who will deliver eternal life and love to me, make me suffer this pain and hurt? Why would God allow my scars to break open and bleed? The devil is using this slight disconnect I am having right now to make it larger. He feels threatened and he works his way in when I am at my weakest. 

Responsibility is a liar. It makes me believe I have to shoulder this all alone. I wanted children. I wanted a good and safe home for them. I want them to have a great school and all that is available to them. Therefore, I am responsible for what I wanted. 

Today, these liars are pouring out of me in tears. It is taking great effort to allow them all out. I feel my strength depleting. Fighting them. Purging myself of them. I am crying all my insecurities, fears, and rejections out. I am sitting in the pain. The hurt is radiating. Stealing my breath. My heart and soul are bleeding out. I let the hot heat of the water pour down on me. I can’t get warm. The cold is burrowed in my bones. I am drained. My head is pounding. My limbs shaky. I am hollow inside. The repercussions of feeling so many emotions at once. 

Yet, there is a feeling of peace upon me. My struggles are not in vain. There is a purpose to this pain. I don’t quite know what that is yet, but I am trusting God. He hasn’t abandoned me so far; therefore, He isn’t going to today. I am still. Sitting. Waiting. Quiet. Motionless. Crying out the lies that flood my brain and heart. Remembering who I belong to. Reminding myself that God defines me. Not depression. Not divorce. Not society. Not liars. 

By the grace of God, I am what I am. 1 Corinthians 15:10

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So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Katie Weber

Me. My two little men. My second change. Motherhood. Depression. Divorce. Love. God. laugher. Friendship. My lovely. It's all right here. Follow along for more at Lovely in the Dark. 

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