I was once you. I was you for so long. I was you for so long I honestly did not realize just how bad and just how toxic my situation had gotten.
Everyone around me knew. There wasn’t a person in my life who couldn’t see that something was wrong. Some people told me. When they did, I usually shut them out. Some people didn’t, I think they were afraid to speak up because they knew I wouldn’t listen. They were right.
I was addicted to it. The highs were so very high and the lows were a low I often couldn’t put into words. It was the thrill. It was the chase. It was fighting to have those highs that I would go through the debilitating lows all over again just for a chance to have a taste of that high one more time.
Deep down I think I knew things were never going to get better.
Deep down I think I knew everyone around me was right and there was no way everyone could be wrong. But in the moment, that wasn’t enough.
I didn’t care what anyone said. Honestly, I refused to listen. I had it stuck in my mind that nobody could understand because nobody knew how much I loved this person. I truly believed their love was mutual, and therefore, we were the only two people in the world who could understand it.
I truly believed love was enough. I used to scream and yell in my fights with my ex that I couldn’t understand how love wasn’t enough. I let that thought define my life and my relationship. I had never felt a love like this before, and I truly didn’t think it could ever be possible to experience something like this again. This level of love had to be enough.
But deep down I knew. I knew it wasn’t healthy. I knew I couldn’t go on like this.
I watched my friends. They weren’t getting thrown out of the bar for getting into volatile fights. They weren’t texting their boyfriend or girlfriend from other people’s phones because their phone number was blocked. Sure, they fought, they had disagreements, but not like the ones we had.
So, to the girl who is reading this because the title resonating with you even just a bit, it’s never too late to walk away.
You are never too invested.
Your friends and family all can’t be wrong.
Crying this much isn’t normal or healthy.
They don’t have to be putting their hands on you to be abusing you.
This isn’t love.
This is toxicity.
This isn’t OK.