It wasn’t that long ago that my husband and I yelled obscenities at one another. It was not that long ago that I told him I did not love him anymore and probably never had. It was just 10 years ago that I pledged I’d always love him, and yet months later I would tell him I didn’t believe in that vow anymore. I would leave to chase a fairy tale of what I thought love was suppose to feel like. I would follow a feeling, that I later realized was a horrible lie.

I don’t know what made me turn my feet and go running back home. I think in that moment I realized what I had lost. It wasn’t perfect, it wasn’t even beautiful but it was mine. I realized if I actually worked at it, I could make our marriage beautiful.

8 years ago in my tiny little living room, while clutching his hand in mine, I said that I vowed all over again that our hearts should always be together. I didn’t know if we’d actually make it, yet here we are.

My husband is the one who always makes my dreams come true. He holds my needs above his own. He can make me miss him with every beat of my heart. His love is what sets my soul to fly. He believes in me when I don’t have the faith to see. He can communicate with me like there’s no one else in the room. I miss him dearly when he’s gone and long for him to return.

How did we go from obscenities to love? It wasn’t easy, that is for sure. It took serious and devoted time. It took months; it took hard, in the-trenches, kind of work. It was not an over-the-night, easy, fix-it-yourself mess. It took sweat. It took tears. So many tears. Too many tears to even count. 

But Jesus knew. He knew how to untangle our hearts, and strand them back together again. He knew our band of 3 chords had been chewed up and spit out. We shared our hearts together. We talked like we had never talked before. We trusted, more than my heart can even comprehend at times. I was the one to truly blame, yet he always trusted me even when I had done nothing to deserve it. His trust in me goes beyond what is humanly possible, it comes from God. That is the only way I can describe it.

Now we have time for each other that is carved out in advance. We need that time together to connect after a busy week. We rely on that time to talk with one another and gauge our hearts. When I said it would be work to make it beautiful I meant that I would put in that work with every breath that I breathe. The beauty that came out of our marriage gives me the ability to be a better person, wife and mother. The beauty that comes from our marriage strengthens me every moment of my day. Without this mess, I wouldn’t be who I am today.

Our beautiful mess is anything but perfect – however it is our mess. It is the beauty from the ashes.

Megan McLemore

Megan McLemore is a wife and mother to three amazing children, two of which are on the Autism spectrum. When she's not busy managing the controlled chaos that surrounds family life, she is either at the gym, relaxing with her sweet husband, or writing about her life experiences. Her family resides in Florida and she is active with the Sidewalk Advocates for Life.