That was not the plan. What just happened in there?

We walked out a bit defeated. More than a bit. I felt deflated. Things were supposed to be different by now. This wasn’t what I asked for or expected. This wasn’t even what they told me would happen. We cross the street in silence. Headed to the car and as soon as I shut the car door, I could no longer hold it in. I let the tears flow.

All this unknown. I don’t understand.

This is life. This is foster care. This is what we chose.

That doesn’t make the pain any less.

It doesn’t take away the anxiety about the unknown. It doesn’t make it feel better when you’re told to expect one thing and another happens.

I want ice cream.

We go for tacos instead.

I begged God, pleaded with Him to answer the way I wanted. Has He answered? Is it no or not yet?

God is in the details. He is. But I think I only notice those when things work out how I want them to. When I see the redemption, the blessing, the gift.

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God, I don’t get it. It’s not even just for me, it’s for so many people. So many people are confused and disappointed. When Thao died it didn’t make sense. When my plan for my life shattered, I assumed you had better ones. But what if a better, more holy plan, isn’t exactly earthly better with abundant blessings? What if the abundant blessings you offer are in the form of the unseen? Joy. Peace. Love. Hope.

You are the God of details, but God these details don’t make sense. 

I fuss around the house for a while. Gather my thoughts. Wonder what’s next.

I’m clearly frustrated. My whole day derailed because it didn’t go as I wanted, as I planned. I am so selfish. I must be so caught up in myself and my desires. But, God, these are not wrong desires?

He whispers to my soul . . . Same God. Same God.

You are the same God. I have to believe that if God is good, then He is always good. God is the same whether I am in the valley or on the mountaintop. The same God ushered my 5-year-old’s soul to Heaven and created him in my womb. God must be the same, the constant, the consistent and stable and steadfast and sure one whether I am rich or poor, sick, or healthy. Whether I am privileged or not. Whether I feel joy or sit in sorrow.

Nothing has changed. God knew this all along—the plan, the moments, the choices.

And He is still good.

Whether that makes sense to me or not. Whether I lose it all or am blessed beyond measure on earth, He is the same, and He is good.

And He holds my children, not I. He holds the ones I can no longer hold. He is with the ones who walk this earth. And He hears the cries of the lonely. He loves them all more than even I could.

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I just have to choose whether to believe that or not. Whether to trust Him or not. Whether to live like God is good . . . or not.

So I choose. I choose to fight for joy even in the sorrow, faith even in the unknowns. I choose to believe that God is good and His goodness will never fail me.