We have been prayed over and anointed with oil. We have been loved on, and we haven’t even started yet. But Friday is go time and I am armoring up.

This morning I had to pray to get out of bed. I told God many times I can’t do this. I asked for strength like I have quite literally never done before. I lay face down on the floor of my closet begging God for healing.

Today, I felt numb and paralyzed and overwhelmed and nauseated and my head throbbed. I felt defeated, and I couldn’t even fathom how my husband was mustering up the courage to fight because I just wanted life to stand still and let us quietly move past this.

Today, I quite literally struggled to stand.

I fell to my knees so many times and told God I couldn’t get back up. It was the hardest day of this journey so far. Maybe, honestly, the hardest day of my life. The reality of our situation sunk in today. Even writing this I feel like I am going to throw up again.

I texted a friend and asked for help getting my house ready for people to come, but deep down realized I just needed someone to help me walk today. I felt that way yesterday, too. I honestly thought I was going to get to the church and just fall down in the back of the room until enough people could hold me to keep me standing.

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And in a different way that is what happened. They prayed and cried with us and lifted us up in spirit and in Truth.

My 3-year-old lost her little mind yesterday, and today she asked a lot of questions about daddy. She told me she was so sad so many times today, but she doesn’t know why. It wrecked me.

Tonight we told the choir and our pastor told the congregation. I saw the email while I was in the restroom of the choir room, and I must’ve sat on the toilet for 20 minutes getting the courage to walk out and face people.

I don’t know how to walk this walk. I don’t know how to be with my husband and my kids and not feel like I’m neglecting one or the other. I don’t know how to do this, but I am trusting God is working for our good and His glory and we want to be a part of Him getting the glory.

Leukemia is such a scary word, but the gruesome word relapse is now even scarier to me.

But I am holding tight to Jesus because while it is scary, God is not bound by statistics, and He already knew we would be walking this. He is the almighty God who rules and reigns over everything. And, He alone can heal my husband, and I am believing He will. I am begging Him to, and in my moments of unbelief, I am asking Him to help me trust His Word and lean not on my own understanding.

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My little sister shared Mark 6 with me the day after the relapse diagnosis. God had given it to her the first time my husband was diagnosed with leukemia. I am crying out daily, “Jesus, come get in the boat.” He is faithful to do that.

Previously published on the author’s blog