Here’s To the Tears We Don’t Cry

Watching a powerful scene in a movie. Reading the heartfelt sentiments written in a greeting card. Seeing live the victorious moment when an underdog scores the winning goal. The guttural moment when we are forced to say goodbye before we are ready. This life is full of moments that go hand in hand with a good cry. But then there are the tears we hold in. The ones we are hesitant to cry for fear of how it will affect those around us.

I’m speaking, specifically, about the tears we parents hold in around our kids. There are moments when we can’t control the flow and others when we try to swallow the lump in our throat so we can help them be strong by being strong ourselves. Sometimes it’s the right choice while other times it might possibly be better for them to see the cracks in their parents’ control—helping them see their heroes as real people who sometimes break and bleed. But almost always it’s just parents trying to be good parents for their kids.

So here is an ode to the tears we parents don’t cry. The ones we hold in while we hand over our babies to the daycare workers, school teachers, babysitters, youth leaders, college campuses, and significant others. The ones we fight back so that our kids won’t fear doing hard things because they see how scared mom is to entrust others with their precious children.

Here is a shoutout to the sobs we reign in when we watch our child fail, knowing full well the immensity of the pain they are feeling, but wanting to be their rock that reminds them it’s going to be okay and that their identity is far bigger than the failures they face.

Here’s to the tears we push aside when our kids’ individuality and independence are developing, and one of the side effects is unintentional offenses against their parents. Some comments are easy to brush off while others cut deep as we recount the innumerable unacknowledged sacrifices made in love for them on a minute-by-minute basis.

Each unshed or privately shed tear of a parent brought on by heartache, empathy, pride, love, compassion, and hurt is like another drop in the river of sacrifice for our kids. And alongside the publicly shed tears that we can’t keep at bay, which teach our children things like empathy, compassion, and the beauty of unhindered emotion, the tears we hold back are just another one of the secret ingredients for what makes a good parent a great parent.

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Articles by Emily Hoban

Emily Hoban

Hello, I’m Emily! Wife, mom of three, and daughter of a woman who, in October 2019, left us to grace the halls of Heaven. I find peace in writing out my heart, and I hope my words can help someone feel seen in their similar struggles.