For as long as I can remember, I’ve struggled with my weight. From childhood into my teenage years and later adulthood, I have never been able to maintain a healthy weight. Despite constantly being “on a diet” my weight has always fluctuated. After I had my son in 2008 my weight was so out of control that I made the difficult and forever life altering decision to have gastric bypass surgery. Though I lost nearly 200 pounds (which was far too much weight), I continued to obsess about being “skinny enough,” and lived in constant fear I would “get fat” again. This cycle of obsessive thoughts continues to this day.

For a long time, I thought my obsession with my weight was a result of the perfectly airbrushed images plastered all over the internet and in magazines. “Heroin Chic” was the “in” look during my teenage years, and try as I might, I was never going to look like the scary skinny, gaunt models presented to us as the ideal image of female beauty. Then I started reflecting on my past, remembering the way in which my mother handled my weight issues as a child. What I remembered was shocking and saddening. I remember always being on a diet, even as a little girl. I remember family members telling me how pretty I would be if I “just lost the weight,” and I remember watching my mother struggle and obsess over her own weight. My mom was always on a diet and she was very vocal about her complete and utter disgust in her “being fat.” I remember her bringing me along to her Weight Watchers meetings week after week. I also remember the many other extremes she went to attempting to lose weight. From Phen-Phen to Hydroxycut, to Atkins, she tried them all, and I was there absorbing and internalizing all of it. It finally dawned on me that my obsession with my weight may not have been driven entirely by the media. Rather, it was a behavior I had learned by watching my mother.

When I had my son I vowed to nourish him with only the healthiest of foods. I limited added sugars, prohibited sugary juices, and soda, and offered him a variety of fresh and healthy foods at each meal. I was determined not to pass on my weight issues as they had been passed on to me.

My son developed a very healthy pallet and has grown into a healthy, active, and strong nine-year-old little boy. Born weighing 10 pounds, my son has always been a big kid. Despite being bigger and taller than most of his peers, his height and weight are proportionate, so there’s no cause for concern. He’s perfectly healthy and balanced. Except, today I learned he doesn’t think so.

This morning as my son and I returned home from our morning Starbucks run, much to my shock and horror, my son announced, “I need to lose weight,” lifting his shirt to show me his belly. Deeply concerned and totally devastated, I immediately replied, “You absolutely do not need to lose weight. You have a healthy and strong body and that’s all that you need to worry about; keeping your body healthy and strong.” He seemed to accept my words as truth and we went about our morning. I, on the other hand, couldn’t get his words out of my head, “I need to lose weight.” Where did he hear this and why does he think this? Always on the go, he plays baseball, basketball, golf, and sails. How could he possibly feel badly about his perfectly healthy body, at only nine-years-old, I wondered?

And then it came to me. He learned to doubt the condition of his body from none other than me. For his entire life, he has watched me obsessively diet and listened to me harshly critique my own body. He’s spent all of his nine years hearing me complain about how “I need to lose weight,” or how, “this outfit makes me look fat.” My precious baby’s insecurities are totally and completely my fault. Never in a million years did I consider that he was paying attention to my issues with my weight. Naively, I assumed as a boy he wasn’t at risk for body insecurities. I couldn’t have been more wrong. He had been both listening and paying close attention each and every time I bashed myself for being “too fat.” I had made the exact mistake I vowed I never would.

With my realization came a moment of clarity. I realized I absolutely need to do better. I realized I need practice what I preach. Like my son, I have a healthy and strong body. My strong arms, legs, and core allow me to practice power yoga four times a week, carry heavy grocery bags in from the car, and best of all, my healthy and strong body enables me to still be able to lift my sleeping son and carry him to his bed when he so often falls asleep on the couch. Once and for all, I need to respect my body and the strength it grants me, and let go of my obsessive insecurities. The fact of the matter is, my son is watching and learning from me. I can reassure him his body is perfect endlessly, but until I change the way in which I treat myself, my words mean nothing. Today I decided enough is enough. It’s been a long time coming, but from this day forward I vow to break the cycle and to be the example my son both needs and deserves. 

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Katie Logue

Katie is a Boston to Connecticut transplant trying to captain her and her family in new waters. She is supported by her loving husband Mike, and rambunctious son Jack, with extra amusement provided by their dog Bailey. Katie was educated in the literary arts at Bridgewater State College and has been published on ScaryMommy.com. Follow Katie on wordpress at https://perfectlyimperfect32com.blog/and twitter at https://twitter.com/kaffe329

Children Don’t Get Easier, We Just Get Stronger

In: Inspiration, Mental Health, Motherhood
Children Don't Get Easier, We Just Get Stronger www.herviewfromhome.com

“This too shall pass.” As mothers, we cling to these words as we desperately hope to make it past whichever parenting stage currently holds us in its clutches. In the thick of newborn motherhood, through night wakings, constant nursing and finding our place in an unfamiliar world, we long for a future filled with more sleep and less crying. We can’t imagine any child or time being more difficult than right now. Then, a toddler bursts forth, a tornado of energy destroying everything in his wake. We hold our breath as he tests every possible limit and every inch of...

Keep Reading

The One Thing Young Kids Need to Know About Sex

In: Health, Kids, Motherhood
The One Thing Young Kids Need to Know About Sex www.herviewfromhome.com

I currently have four kids in elementary school from kindergarten to fifth grade. My kids have not experienced any sexual abuse (to my knowledge); we have been very careful about any potential porn exposure; we closely monitor their involvement with pop culture through music, movies, books, and even commercials. While we might seem to err on the side of overly sheltering them, what we have also done is be very open with our kids about sex. We have told them the truth when they’ve asked questions. And have they asked some questions! Here’s a sampling of what I’ve been asked...

Keep Reading

I Don’t Have Anxiety—But My Husband Does

In: Health, Mental Health, Relationships
I Don't Have Anxiety—But My Husband Does www.herviewfromhome.com

I don’t have anxiety but my husband does.  We should have realized this years ago but we missed it. The realization came suddenly and as soon as it popped in my mind, it came out of my mouth. “You have anxiety.” I said. He looked at me trying to determine if I was joking or serious. “I am serious, you have anxiety.” His eyes left mine and found his phone. He picked it up and said, “Hey Siri, give me the definition of anxiety.” As the virtual assistant read off the definition she may as well have been reading my man’s personality...

Keep Reading

This is What Life is Like For a Mom Who Wears Hearing Aids

In: Health, Journal, Motherhood
This is What Life is Like For a Mom Who Wears Hearing Aids www.herviewfromhome.com

I’ll never forget the time I was standing on a dock in the middle of a lake, casually draining my long hair of water, soaking in the summer heat surrounding me. Little did I know, my right breast had escaped the clutches of my bikini top; it must have popped out when I dove into the cool lake. But because I wasn’t wearing my hearing aids—I can’t wear those babies in the water—I couldn’t hear those back on land who were calling at me to shove it back in. So, there I stood, clueless of the fact that I was...

Keep Reading

Welcome to Periods in Your 30s and 40s

In: Health, Humor
Welcome to Periods in Your 30s and 40s www.herviewfromhome.com

Do you remember that day in the fifth grade when the boys and girls were separated for the “Sexuality and Development” talk? Some nice old lady health teacher came into your room and gave you some straight talk about how the next few years were going to go for you. It was awkward and shocking and you knew your childhood would never be the same. When you hit your mid-thirties, there should be some kind of Part Two to that conversation. All the ladies need to be rounded up, lead into a dimly lit classroom that smells vaguely of pencil...

Keep Reading

How Can You Love an Abusive Man? I Did—Until I Decided to Choose Myself.

In: Health, Journal, Relationships
How Can You Love an Abusive Man? I Did—Until I Decided to Choose Myself.

He walked over to the table I was sitting at with some friends and casually, yet confidently, pulled up a chair. His voice was deep and he had a luring accent that immediately caught my attention. His distinctly cut jawline along his perfectly trimmed beard made him seem older, I thought, than the age I’d soon learn he was. Our paths had crossed before like two ships in the night, forbidding us from ever quite meeting as we did that day . . . eye to eye, energy to energy He chatted with me and our mutual friends for a...

Keep Reading

I’m Not Sure How Long I’ll Need an Antidepressant to Feel Normal…and That’s OK

In: Cancer, Child Loss, Grief, Mental Health
I'm Not Sure How Long I'll Need an Antidepressant to Feel Normal...and That's OK www.herviewfromhome.com

I tried to wean off of Zoloft and couldn’t. And that’s OK. I had never really been aware of the world of antidepressants. My life has been relatively uneventful—with the normal ups and downs that most of us go through. I knew people on medication for depression but never understood. How can you be THAT sad that you can’t just be positive and make the best of your circumstances? How can someone be THAT unhappy ALL the time to need medication? I didn’t get it. I felt bad for people going through it. Then my 2-year-old was diagnosed with Stage...

Keep Reading

To the Mom With the Anxious Soul

In: Journal, Mental Health, Motherhood
To the Mom With the Anxious Soul www.herviewfromhome.com

I see you, mama. You’re the one sitting alone at the family party. You’re the one hovering a little too close to your sweet babies at the park. You’re the one standing in the bathroom at work for just a moment of quiet. Your thoughts are swirling constantly, faster and more fearful that a “regular” mama. You find yourself spaced out at times, and hyper aware at others. You’ve heard the words “just relax” and “everything is fine” more times than you care to count. Sometimes you wish you could make everyone understand why you are the way you are...

Keep Reading

I Am My Child’s Advocate—and Other Valuable Lessons a Stay in the PICU Taught Me

In: Baby, Child, Health
I Am My Child's Advocate—and Other Valuable Lessons a Stay in the PICU Taught Me www.herviewfromhome.com

What started out to be a normal Thursday ended with a race to the children’s ER with my six-month-old. I was terrified. My adrenaline was pumping. My baby was struggling to breathe. The day before, he had been diagnosed with RSV. A simple cold to most healthy toddlers and adults turned out to be life threatening to my infant.   Once we were admitted, I knew this was serious. I knew he was in danger. I could sense the concern and urgency in the doctor’s voice. I knew the gravity of that wing of the hospital he was being wheeled...

Keep Reading

To the Young Warriors Fighting Cancer, You Are Superheroes

In: Cancer, Child, Child Loss, Health
To the Young Warriors Fighting Cancer, You Are Superheroes www.herviewfromhome.com

Most people never get to meet their heroes. I have, in fact—I have met many heroes. These heroes didn’t set out for greatness; they fell victim to a terrible disease and faced it with courage, might and bravery like I have never seen before. And when we talk about this type of battle, there is no such thing as losing. whether the battle ended in death, life, or debility, each of these heroes defeated. My heroes are the innocent children who battle cancer. I high-fived, hugged, wept over, laughed and played with my heroes for 10 years as a nurse. And you better believe I...

Keep Reading