Don’t read this unless you really want to. I just need a place to air it all out.

So, I guess me popping Tums for several weeks in a row was actually morning sickness.
My tender (painful) breasts that lasted several weeks (couldn’t even sleep on my side sometimes) wasn’t me just adjusting to the new pills.
Intermittent bleeding the last few months wasn’t just pill adjustment either.
Bloated-feeling/pain below my belly button wasn’t ‘me overthinking’ things or me being a wimp.
Me being hungry was legit and not (completely) me just over indulging. Too bad I binged on crap (because I thought I was only feeding myself).
My jeans just kept feeling tighter recently. Damn over-binging on crap. Shame on me. Walk more. “Do better, self.” (Catholic guilt over and over and over again repeated in my head.)
How could two pregnancy tests tell me negative? Bastard tests.
This baby was about four months along. That means that they might be able to tell us what it was. Do I really want to know? Yes, I do. That was the hardest question I asked today (besides asking if he was just cleaning out clots or if I had another baby in there). He said we wouldn’t get results back for a few days and I should contact my doctor for more information. (He was a smart man to refer me off.) 
They finally moved me into a room for the exam and it was the same one I was in for the first miscarriage. Too many memories there. This time it was smoother (so far).
I called my OBGYN a few weeks back to see when I was due for an annual because I just didn’t feel right, but I am not due for one until August.
I called last Friday because of the bleeding when I shouldn’t be and the cramps. Two options:  tough it out a few more months to see if I adjust or switch pills. I chose to tough it out.
Pretty intense cramps the last four days. Advil helped a little. The Mike’s Hard Lemonade – I am sure helped. The Midol I bought on Sunday helped during the day but nothing helped last night. I was up with pain until 5:30 this morning and finally crashed for two hours. Seriously contemplated going to the ER a couple times during the night. 
I had to physically finish pulling the baby out of me. It was clean. Not much blood. Looked like a tiny hand up on its face. I will never forget that. I couldn’t believe it. I thought to myself, that it was the largest tumor ever, but tumors don’t have tiny hands. Too shocked to really grasp it until my husband saw it and said he was coming home to take me in. I had to hold my baby and put it in a baggie to take to the ER. Who really puts their babies in a baggie?
All the while my toddler wanted to know what I was doing and ‘see’.
God had a plan. My friends were all available to be supportive. My parents were off work and drove right up. Our insurance doesn’t start over until April 1, so it is all 80% covered (I know, we shouldn’t think about that, but we do).
I had more contractions during this ER visit today than I did with my toddler’s delivery. Today it was wave after wave of pain. That lasted a minute or two each time. It took me several times to realize that they were contractions, because I still couldn’t believe that I had been pregnant this whole time. When I was hooked up to machines with my toddler, the nurse would check in on me and say, ‘whoa, you have been having some strong contractions. How are you feeling?” I never felt them. Ever. Another reason I didn’t think that pregnancy was going to come through either.
We are so blessed with her and how amazing she really is. It made us both realize it more and more today.
That is all, for now. I need to sleep. If you read this, Thank you. If you read the first and last sentences -Thank you. 

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