I write best when I’m passionate. It’s always been my release. But lately, I’ve struggled to write. I’ve struggled to find purpose in my words. It’s all been twisted and choppy, not a bit poetic or beautiful. These feelings are what the struggles of loss, parenting, work, and marriage push against.
It’s finding yourself over and over again and trying to make sense of the senseless. It leaves you questioning most things and leaves you feeling broken with no idea how to put yourself or others back together.
I hope you never know. I hope you never know what it’s like to forget who you are. I hope you never know the heartache of knowing you can’t help stop the pain. I hope you never have to live with always wondering what you could have done differently.
I hope you never know what it feels like to be so close, but so far away. To want to comfort and help, but not be able to ease the pain. I hope you never know what it feels like to not be the safe space you thought you were.
I hope you never know what darkness feels like. I hope you never know what it’s like to feel broken and only a fraction of the person you used to be. I hope you never feel like you’re so helpless that you don’t know where to start to try to fill the broken cracks within. I hope you never feel any of it.
I hope you always get to see the silver lining, that it never becomes something that feels out of reach for you to obtain. I hope the dance and song within carry you over the hurt and pain you fight against. I hope you never know what it feels like for it to not be the joy it once was.
I hope you know you are enough, that you weren’t meant to be the one who saves. I hope you believe that even when you’ve fallen short, you’ve done all you could to help and not harm. I hope when you’re at the end of your rope and feel hopeless that you know you’re enough.
I hope you never know anything less than the fullness of being present. I hope you never miss the moments that you live in.
I hope you never miss the signs because the burden of things missed is heavy. I hope you never have to wonder if you could have changed it all.
Some days it’s easy to remember that you’ve done the best you were equipped for. But other days . . . other days, it’s overwhelming and heavy and you struggle to carry it all.
Suicide hurts. Self-harm hurts. Depression and anxiety hurt. They don’t just hurt the person themselves, but everyone who loves that person too. I hope you never know.