This is my first time sharing this.

Sometimes it is really hard to open up about things that seem to hold you captive. But I am ready to be free. I love being a mom. God’s greatest gift to me were my two children. Each day, I am reminded of just how loved I am by the way they look at me and trust me. My children are my life. And I am ready for more.

Over a year ago, I rekindled a previous relationship and we have been happy ever since. We are planning a wedding for next year in Hawaii and I am beyond excited for what our future holds as a family. My two children are from a previous relationship and were both unplanned and unexpected. I am so grateful that my fiancé adores my children and we both are ready to have a child together. We even have names picked out and planned where we want to raise our family after we are married. But for some reason it’s just not happening.

I had an IUD for the five years after the birth of my second child to prevent anymore unexpectancies. When we both decided we wanted to start trying, I had the IUD removed. That was months ago. I specifically remember the doctor saying, “Once we remove this, you will be highly fertile and can almost immediately get pregnant.”

What great news; or so we thought.

We did not expect this to become a situation where we sit around a pregnancy test at least 3-4 times a month only to be greeted with a negative or not pregnant flash across the screen. It can almost send you into a state of depression. I look at how my other two children came along and I wasn’t even trying. And now that I am, it isn’t happening for me. And my fiancé; he’s so hurt. He oftentimes gets angry because it isn’t fair to him either. We consulted professional help and we were told to try naturally for a year first. So we are 6 months in and still no baby. We have tried everything possible: ovulation kits, thermometers, different positions, and the whole nine yards. I just don’t get it. Is it me? I keep questioning myself. And of course my fiancé thinks it’s him. I think more than anything, not knowing what it is, is the problem.

I remember hearing that the third time is the charm, yet I am finding that to be the complete opposite for me. I have two gorgeous nieces that my brother’s ex-wife barely takes care of. She is forever out in the streets leaving the children at home with her mother. I look at mothers like this; and stories that are always on the news about this parent or that killing their children and I wonder why are they even able to have kids? There are people in the world like me, desperately trying to have a child of their own and these people are mistreating, abusing, or even murdering theirs.

It angers me, greatly.

I won’t give up though. If after a year, our baby still hasn’t come then we will seek help. And if that doesn’t work then we will adopt. This is not the end of the story I hope; but the beginning of a beautiful story of life.