This is my first time sharing this.

Sometimes it is really hard to open up about things that seem to hold you captive. But I am ready to be free. I love being a mom. God’s greatest gift to me were my two children. Each day, I am reminded of just how loved I am by the way they look at me and trust me. My children are my life. And I am ready for more.

Over a year ago, I rekindled a previous relationship and we have been happy ever since. We are planning a wedding for next year in Hawaii and I am beyond excited for what our future holds as a family. My two children are from a previous relationship and were both unplanned and unexpected. I am so grateful that my fiancé adores my children and we both are ready to have a child together. We even have names picked out and planned where we want to raise our family after we are married. But for some reason it’s just not happening.

I had an IUD for the five years after the birth of my second child to prevent anymore unexpectancies. When we both decided we wanted to start trying, I had the IUD removed. That was months ago. I specifically remember the doctor saying, “Once we remove this, you will be highly fertile and can almost immediately get pregnant.”

What great news; or so we thought.

We did not expect this to become a situation where we sit around a pregnancy test at least 3-4 times a month only to be greeted with a negative or not pregnant flash across the screen. It can almost send you into a state of depression. I look at how my other two children came along and I wasn’t even trying. And now that I am, it isn’t happening for me. And my fiancé; he’s so hurt. He oftentimes gets angry because it isn’t fair to him either. We consulted professional help and we were told to try naturally for a year first. So we are 6 months in and still no baby. We have tried everything possible: ovulation kits, thermometers, different positions, and the whole nine yards. I just don’t get it. Is it me? I keep questioning myself. And of course my fiancé thinks it’s him. I think more than anything, not knowing what it is, is the problem.

I remember hearing that the third time is the charm, yet I am finding that to be the complete opposite for me. I have two gorgeous nieces that my brother’s ex-wife barely takes care of. She is forever out in the streets leaving the children at home with her mother. I look at mothers like this; and stories that are always on the news about this parent or that killing their children and I wonder why are they even able to have kids? There are people in the world like me, desperately trying to have a child of their own and these people are mistreating, abusing, or even murdering theirs.

It angers me, greatly.

I won’t give up though. If after a year, our baby still hasn’t come then we will seek help. And if that doesn’t work then we will adopt. This is not the end of the story I hope; but the beginning of a beautiful story of life.

Kristie McCollum

Kristie is a mom of 2 beautiful kiddos, a full time student, blogger, health coach, and lover of life! She loves all things pink and sparkly, decorating her planners, and spending hours on Pinterest. She enjoys writing, reading, traveling, and spending quality time with her family. She currently resides outside of Raleigh, North Carolina.