We fell madly in love and then continued to fall. We were the bad afterschool special our parents always warned us about that we pray our kids never end up. We were both incapable of saving each other, as we struggled to make ends meet; as we stumbled our way right on down to rock bottom. Or as I refer to it, the stumble lonesome I once called home.

You know the classic love story: boy meets girl, they fall in love, and fail to live happily ever after because you know—life and people and ugly little habits. Things broke: dishes, furniture, hopes and dream. Cigarettes came before milk. Hungover was a typical Sunday. Happiness silently slipped away, as addiction settled in. I would lay awake and worry, how we’d make the mortgage, what we’d do come winter. But mostly I’d worry about you; we were drowning and I knew we weren’t going to make it.

And then God played his hand. 

It was the hardest thing we’d ever faced. It forced us to love harder than we ever had. It forced us to surrender over all our power (though we never really had control) to Him. It was prayer being answered though we had no idea at the time. And speaking of time, it all came crashing to a standstill . . . a heartbeat.

My husband called them “little steps” while my son was in the NICU. It was all the “little steps” that would bring our son home. I held on tightly to that. Looking back on seven years, I see the progress of our “little steps.” We made it out of the NICU in 28 days, but we never stopped making those “little steps” and those “little steps” are what brought us through the storm.

Absolutely nothing about life is smooth sailing. Of course we couldn’t save each other, who were we kidding? We are two broken people holding each other to impossible standards. There was just no way! And then we learned to give each other a little bit of grace.

And now, as we adjust our sail, I must admit—I am so glad that we failed miserably at our happily ever after because it would have never been this good.

I love that we’re no longer keeping up because that means we are content in the here and now.

I love that date night is smarting off to each other while playing a game of Scattergories because it’s simply about enjoying each other’s company without the need of a romantic candlelight dinner.

I love that parenting is this mess of good and bad moments, this mess of emotions, this mess of action figures, this lovely mess of a complete life that we are flourishing in.

A mess, I’ve completely let go of.

Let the toys lay out on the floor because this is where we play. Let the dishes sit in the sink until tomorrow because we’d rather go to the park. Let it be simple and content within the home because life outside the front door is complicated.

I love that our broken love story has a different feel to it now that it’s headed for heaven. That it was you standing at the end of the aisle and you in the water with me when we were baptized. That we’ve come to the conclusion that life isn’t about finding ourselves, but the man and woman God planned for us to be, intertwined together as one.

We focused on the “small steps” and somewhere along the way, the pace changed. It slowed way down, as we watch the little ones grow, as you and I grow. We shifted our focus from pleasing the world to pleasing God and life has become less demanding. Direction comes from passages in the Bible and not places on the map. Hope doesn’t come down to flipping a penny in a fountain or gambling on a falling star, but in prayer.

And I love that God’s answer to prayer is nothing we ever expected and I certainly appreciate His sense of humor. I am in awe of His greatness; the miracle He makes from mess.

I love that our “small steps” are caked in mud and that the little one went running right for the puddle singing at the top of his lungs and that this is all on a good day because it’s all evidence that we survived the storm.

We survived the storm!

Let that sink in! Feel it with your whole heart! Throw your arms up in the air and praise Him!

We don’t know when the next storm will hit, but now we know what God is capable of. So let’s let our sail out and let faith take us.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Jen Miller

My name is Jennifer Miller, but I prefer simply Jen. I live in Hawley, MN. It is a small town built along the railroad tracks and surrounded by fields. I married my high school sweetheart in 2005 and we have two little boys, Jack (5) and Grey (3). Motherhood took me by surprise just before my 30th birthday and since then I have been stay at home mom and have loved every minute of the craziness. I am a staff writer for the Hawley Herald and do most the work from home. Being an introvert it took me out of my comfort zone, but so worth it because I love writing. It is something I do every day and it allows me to be home with my boys.

A Big Family Can Mean Big Feelings

In: Faith, Kids, Motherhood
Family with many kids holding hands on beach

I’m a mother of six. Some are biological, and some are adopted. I homeschool most of them. I’m a “trauma momma” with my own mental health struggles. My husband and I together are raising children who have their own mental illnesses and special needs. Not all of them, but many of them. I battle thoughts of anxiety and OCD daily. I exercise, eat decently, take meds and supplements, yet I still have to go to battle. The new year has started slow and steady. Our younger kids who are going to public school are doing great in their classes and...

Keep Reading

Motherhood Never Stops, and Neither Does My God

In: Faith, Motherhood
Daughter kisses mother on cheek

I’m standing in the shower rinsing the conditioner out of my hair with a toddler babbling at my feet, running through this week’s dinner menu in my head. “Hmm, this meal would be better suited for this day, so what should we do instead?” or “Maybe we should save that for next week since it’s easy and we will be busy with baseball starting back up. I can work something in that may take more effort in its place.” Being a wife and mother, running a household, it’s about the small moments like this. There’s something about it that is...

Keep Reading

So God Made a Sunday School Teacher

In: Faith, Living
Woman sitting at table surrounded by kids in Sunday school class, color photo

God looked around at all He had created, and He knew He would need someone to teach His children. So God made a Sunday school teacher. God knew He needed someone with a heart and desire to teach children God’s word. God knew the children would act up and made Sunday school teachers with patience and grace to guide them when they step out of line in class. He also made Sunday school teachers with a touch of discretion to know when the stories of a child may be real or imagined. God knew this person would need to be...

Keep Reading

But God, I Can’t Forgive That

In: Faith, Marriage
Woman holding arms and walking by water

Surrender is scary. Giving in feels like defeat. Even when I know it’s the right thing, yielding everything to God is scary. It also feels impossible. The weight of all I’m thinking and feeling is just so dang big and ugly. Do you know what I mean? Sometimes I cling so tightly to my fear I don’t even recognize it for what it is. Bondage. Oppression. Lack of trust. Oh, and then there’s that other thing—pride. Pride keeps me from seeing straight, and it twists all of my perceptions. It makes asking for help so difficult that I forget that...

Keep Reading

Dear Dad, I Pray for Our Healing

In: Faith, Grief, Grown Children
Back shot of woman on bench alone

You are on my mind today. But that’s not unusual. It’s crazy how after 13 years, it doesn’t feel that long since I last saw you. It’s also crazy that I spend far less time thinking about that final day and how awful it was and spend the majority of the time replaying the good memories from all the years before it. But even in the comfort of remembering, I know I made the right decision. Even now, 13 years later, the mix of happy times with the most confusing and painful moments leaves me grasping for answers I have...

Keep Reading

God Redeemed the Broken Parts of My Infertility Story

In: Faith, Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Two young children walking on a path near a pond, color photo

It was a Wednesday morning when I sat around a table with a group of mamas I had just recently met. My youngest daughter slept her morning nap in a carrier across my chest. Those of us in the group who held floppy babies swayed back and forth. The others had children in childcare or enrolled in preschool down the road. We were there to chat, learn, grow, and laugh. We were all mamas. But we were not all the same. I didn’t know one of the mom’s names, but I knew I wanted to get to know her because she...

Keep Reading

God Has You

In: Faith, Motherhood
Woman hugging herself while looking to the side

Holding tight to the cold, sterile rail of the narrow, rollaway ER bed, I hovered helplessly over my oldest daughter. My anxious eyes bounced from her now steadying breaths to the varying lines and tones of the monitor overhead. Audible reminders of her life that may have just been spared. For 14 years, we’d been told anaphylaxis was possible if she ingested peanuts. But it wasn’t until this recent late autumn evening we would experience the fear and frenzy of our apparent new reality. My frantic heart hadn’t stopped racing from the very moment she struggled to catch a breath....

Keep Reading

My Husband Having a Stroke at 30 Wasn’t in Our Plans

In: Faith, Living
Husband and wife, selfie, color photo

“‘For I know the plans I have for you,’ declares the Lord, ‘plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.’” (Jeremiah 29:11, NIV) This verse in the book of Jeremiah has long been a favorite of mine. In fact, it’s felt relevant across many life events. Its simple, yet powerful reminder has been a place of solace, perhaps even a way to maintain equilibrium when I’ve felt my world spinning a bit out of control. In this season of starting fresh and new year intentions, I find great comfort in knowing...

Keep Reading

She Left Him on Valentine’s Day

In: Faith, Marriage
Husband kissing wife on cheek, color photo

“Can you believe that?” Those were the dreaded knife-cutting whispers I heard from across the table. I sunk deeper into my chair. My hopes fell as everyone would forever remember that I had left my fiancée on Valentine’s Day. Maybe one day it would just dissipate like the dream wedding I had planned or the canceled plane tickets for the Hawaiian honeymoon. Some bridesmaids and guests had already booked plane tickets. It was my own nightmare that kept replaying in my head over and over again. I had messed up. Big time. To be honest, if it made any difference,...

Keep Reading

God was In the Room for Our Daughter’s Open Heart Surgery

In: Faith, Motherhood
Child's hand with IV

I’ve had a strong faith for as long as I can remember, but I always felt bad that I never had a “testimony.” I had never gone through something that made me sit back and say, “Wow, God is real, He is here.” I have always felt it to my core, but no moment had ever stopped me dead in my tracks to where there was no denying that it was God. And then, that moment happened to me on December 5. After five months of fervently praying for a miracle for our daughter, the day came for her heart...

Keep Reading