By Amber Kuipers 
You’ve all seen the photo. The ones of your much-loved friends, laughing together, arms slung across each other’s shoulders. It popped up on your Instagram or Facebook. It’s the picture-perfect friend group. It’s the picture you aren’t a part of.
It hurts to look at it. Hurts that you weren’t a part of what you thought was yours. You desperately want to be a part of that community. You want the group that sees you through thick and thin. You want friends who celebrate, share, and cry together. You’re overrun with all the feelings—jealousy, insecurity, self-doubt. You can’t stop looking at it. It hurts so bad. And you spiral.
Oh, my friends have I been there. Pause. Take a breath. And let me remind you of what you don’t always see.
The photo shows you a brief glimpse of the seemingly perfect moment between friends. But it’s just a small sentence in the novel of those friendships. There is so much it doesn’t show you. There have been plot twists and turns and unexpected endings.
You don’t see the beginning stages of the friendship when you are unsure if this person is worth the investment. You don’t see the vulnerability you both had to share to build the relationship. A photo doesn’t show all the times you’ve had to ignore their quirks and weird tendencies while learning how to be friends.
You don’t see how the friendship may have changed through life’s ups and downs, failures and celebrations, career shifts, growing and shrinking family, or when they’ve changed—and maybe into someone you don’t really like.
And you don’t see the countless unanswered texts, continuous miscommunication, misread texts, gestures, and intentions. The photo hides the fights. The tears. The late nights working through awkward and uncomfortable conversations.
You don’t see the times you’ve had to show up when you didn’t want to or when they’ve just plain annoyed you. How many times you’ve both let each other down. You don’t see the number of times someone has put themselves out there only to be rejected once again. Or the ways you’ve had to do some deep personal work in order to function in healthy relationships.
Friends, I’ve been on both sides. I’ve been inside the photo, with my group. So many of my favorite memories are captured in photos. They remind me of what community is, what is worth fighting for, and how wonderful people can be. But I’ve also been excluded or uninvited. I have been on the outside when I so badly wanted in. I’ve felt the sting of rejection and the pain of exclusion.
I need to constantly remind myself that a photo is a snapshot of a moment. The photo I’m not in doesn’t mean I’m without community or friendships. The photo I am in doesn’t mean those relationships came easy, without hard work from all involved. There is so much more you don’t see in a photo than what you do.
Now I’m not discrediting any times you have been intentionally excluded. Or if you are struggling with belonging and finding your friend group. And I know some photos are carefully curated to portray something that doesn’t actually exist. But please don’t give up when you see a photo you aren’t a part of. Don’t be like me and spiral down into a storm of negativity and hopelessness, preoccupied with your need to belong.
We live in a world consumed with the individual, and a lot of our photos reflect that. How can my photos show my best self, best angle, having the most fun? Photos of groups of community and fought-for friendships choosing to do life together are radical.
Yet choosing to see and recognize other’s joy reflected in group photos in the midst of your pain of exclusion? Friends, that’s radical. You are choosing to recognize that your value is so much more than being outside the photo. Your value comes from a much deeper place. Your value comes from Him.
So celebrate the photos you are in, share in the beauty of hard-won friendships, and remember where you truly belong when you aren’t.
by Brianna Baranowski 
by Christine Derengowski 
