Shop the fall collection ➔

Friends, as most of you know, I get to spend an hour each week with a group of young people going through addiction recovery. Yes. Young people. I’m talking teenagers who are locked away for at least six months as they learn to overcome their addictions. I’m always humbled and honored to get this time with these beautiful young souls that have been so incredibly assaulted by a world they have yet to understand. This also comes with the bittersweet knowledge that these kids still have a fighting chance while several of my friends have already had to bury their own children.

Recently I asked these kids a simple question: “How many of you have found yourself in situations where things started happening that you weren’t comfortable with, but you stuck around, mainly because you felt like you didn’t have a way out?”

They all raised their hands.

Every single one of them.

In the spirit of transparency . . . I get it. Though in my mid-forties, I’m still in touch with that awkward boy who often felt trapped in the unpredictable currents of teenage experiences. I can’t count the times sex, drugs, and alcohol came rushing into my young world; I wasn’t ready for any of it, but I didn’t know how to escape and, at the same time, not castrate myself socially. I still recall my first time drinking beer at a friend’s house in junior high school—I hated it, but I felt cornered. As an adult, that now seems silly, but it was my reality at the time. “Peer pressure” was a frivolous term for an often silent, but very real thing, and I certainly couldn’t call my parents and ask them to rescue me. I wasn’t supposed to be there in the first place. As a teen, forcing down alcohol seemed a whole lot easier than offering myself up for punishment, endless nagging and interrogation, and the potential end of freedom as I knew it.

X-Plan

xplan-text1-2For these reasons, we now have something called the “X-plan” in our family. This simple, but powerful tool is a lifeline that our kids are free to use at any time. Here’s how it works:

Let’s say that my youngest, Danny, gets dropped off at a party. If anything about the situation makes him uncomfortable, all he has to do is text the letter “X” to any of us (his mother, me, his older brother or sister). The one who receives the text has a very basic script to follow. Within a few minutes, they call Danny’s phone. When he answers, the conversation goes like this:

“Hello?”

“Danny, something’s come up and I have to come get you right now.”

“What happened?”

“I’ll tell you when I get there. Be ready to leave in five minutes. I’m on my way.”

At that point, Danny tells his friends that something’s happened at home, someone is coming to get him, and he has to leave.

In short, Danny knows he has a way out; at the same time, there’s no pressure on him to open himself to any social ridicule. He has the freedom to protect himself while continuing to grow and learn to navigate his world.

This is one of the most loving things we’ve ever given him, and it offers him a sense of security and confidence in a world that tends to beat our young people into submission.

xplan-text1However, there’s one critical component to the X-plan: Once he’s been extracted from the trenches, Danny knows that he can tell us as much or as little as he wants . . . but it’s completely up to him.  The X-plan comes with the agreement that we will pass no judgments and ask no questions (even if he is 10 miles away from where he’s supposed to be). This can be a hard thing for some parents (admit it, some of us are complete control-freaks); but I promise it might not only save them, but it will go a long way in building trust between you and your kid.

(One caveat here is that Danny knows if someone is in danger, he has a moral obligation to speak up for their protection, no matter what it may cost him personally. That’s part of the lesson we try to teach our kids—we are our brother’s keeper, and sometimes we have to stand for those too weak to stand for themselves. Beyond that, he doesn’t have to say a word to us. Ever.)

For many of us parents, we lament the intrusion of technology into our relationships. I hate seeing people sit down to dinner together and then proceed to stare into their phones. It drives me nuts when my kids text me from another room in our house.

However, cell phones aren’t going away, so we need to find ways to use this technology to help our kids in any way we can.

I urge you to use some form of our X-plan in your home. If you honor it, your kids will thank you for it. You never know when something so simple could be the difference between your kid laughing with you at the dinner table or spending six months in a recovery center . . . or, God forbid, something far worse.

RELATED: The Bedtime Hoops: 4 Important Questions To Ask Your Kids Every Night

Prayers for strength and compassion to the parents out there as we all try to figure this whole parenting gig out—it never gets easy.

I beg you to share this piece. If this somehow gives just one kid a way out of a bad situation, we can all feel privileged to have been a part of that.

#xplan

Blessings, friends.

Originally published on Bertfulks.com 

Bert Fulks

Bert Fulks – Writer. Teacher. Musician. Speaker. Business Owner/Manager. Founder/Director/Knucklehead – Empty Stone Ministry. Humble, wild-eyed follower. Bert’s book — X-Plan Parenting: Become Your Child’s Ally–A Guide to Raising Strong Kids in a Challenging World — is NOW AVAILABLE from Simon & Schuster’s Howard Books. Bert is a former psychology and world history teacher and a father of three. With nearly thirty years’ experience working with kids, Bert’s unique insights as a dad, educator, coach, camp leader, youth adviser, and speaker provide wisdom, understanding, and compassion to adults and kids. He splits time as a writer, musician, and speaker, and runs a veterinary practice with his wife, Laura. He is also the founder and co-director of Empty Stone Ministry, INC, a Christian non-profit that specializes in camps/retreats, small group events. Bert and his family live in Huntington, West Virginia. Bert loves to play music, read, write, travel, camp, fish, backpack, and enjoys the simple pleasure of a good beer in his tractor’s cup-holder on a hot summer day.  Lovingly referred to as “Dude” by friends, he is still learning to (among other things) abide. At his son’s urging, Bert is also now on Twitter. Follow along! @BertFulks

My Kids Get Zero Privacy With Technology—Because it’s My Job to Keep Them Safe

In: Kids
Phone charging on countertop

This phone belongs to my 14-year-old daughter. It’s charging on my kitchen counter. At 9 p.m., every single night, her phone shuts itself down and she brings it here. Why? It’s how I keep her safe. That phone is free of social media. She has an app that allows her to chat with a handful of friends and family. I know every person she talks to and I check her phone and messages regularly. Why? It’s how I’m keeping her safe. My nearly 12-year-old son asked me two days ago if I would connect his PS4 to the internet so...

Keep Reading

Dear Teens, I’m Sorry You’re Stuck With “That” Mom

In: Teen, Tween
Mom and two teenage daughters smiling at camera

Dear teens, I’m sorry you got “that” mom. I’m sorry you got that mom who will always ask where you are going—and actually expect you to be there. I’m sorry you got that mom who wants to meet the parents of the house you want to go to, or the boy you want to date, or the friend you want to spend time with after school. I’m sorry you got that mom who checks your screen time and your social media and your entire phone every once in awhile. I’m sorry you got that mom who expects you to carry...

Keep Reading

Dear Daughter, I’ll Be Here on the Other Side of the Door

In: Child, Motherhood, Tween

I’ve been kicked out of the dressing room. How did this happen? A month ago, I was helping you try on your first day of school outfit for kindergarten. Remember? It matched your little sister’s preschool dress, and you chose the bright pink lunch box to go with it. RELATED: Dear Teenage Daughter, I Remember What it Was Like to Be You Two weeks ago, I was supervising your swimsuit fashion show for summer swim lessons. Would it be the ruffled top or the rainbow stripes? Remember? You learned to side-breathe in it and haven’t stopped since. One week ago,...

Keep Reading