I had to have the “mean girl” talk with my second-grade daughter. I could lie and tell you I didn’t expect it to happen this early, but I had to have it with my older daughter when she was in first grade.
Typically, I would just say, “Stay away from her until she shows you she’s grown out of this phase.” But I can’t. There’s too much overlap with this one—school, sports, church, neighborhood. (And unfortunately, there’s no guarantee that someone will actually grow out of it.)
So, I offer up the true but seemingly unhelpful statement, “When someone is mean to you, it says more about them than it does you.”
I had recently been through a season when I was treated poorly by people who weren’t necessarily friends, but since we worked together, I couldn’t avoid them. She had heard me talk it through with my husband here and there, so I told her what worked for me.
When it started to happen, I reflected on any possible part I could have played in being treated that way. Since I had tried everything to be kind and respectful to them from the beginning, I knew how they were reacting to me and treating me had something to do with them, not me. I tried to see it from their perspective, which helped me understand and empathize with them.
That is something hard for a 40-year-old to do, let alone an 8-year-old. So when that didn’t work, I tried it from a different angle.
I recently found out one of my closest friends is moving away, and I’ve had a hard time keeping my grief from the kids. I have started sobbing a time or two when something reminded me she would be leaving soon.
So, I asked my daughter, “Do you know why I’m having such a hard time with my friend moving?” I answer for her because it is always harder to notice the good when the negative is in your face.
“It’s because it’s rare to have a friend who is 100% for you—wants only the best for you, cheers, and encourages you. Someone who sees you for who you are and accepts the real, unfiltered you. That’s her for me.”
I asked her if she had any friends like that. She thought for only a second and excitedly said two names. I told her that while she can’t avoid the mean girls, she still shouldn’t give them space in her mind. And the best way to fill it up so there is no room for them is by focusing on those good friends.
There’s one more thing I needed her to hear before putting a bow on this topic (until the mean girl strikes again in a few days, and we have to start it all over again). I reminded her that in order to have those types of good friends, she has to be one too.
Kindness is the most important characteristic she could have—it’s the heart of authentic friendships and relationships. Does that fix the pain when the mean girl calls her weird or says she will skip a birthday party because my daughter will be there? No, not in any real capacity.
But it does remind her that there is more to life than what that mean girl thinks and says.
by Tiffany Reiger 
