Humor Journal Kids Motherhood

7 Reasons Why Staying Home With Kids Is Like Surviving The Zombie Apocalypse

7 Reasons Why Staying Home With Kids Is Like Surviving The Zombie Apocalypse www.herviewfromhome.com
Written by Christina Tippett

Today I have decided that staying home alone during the day with two children, is like surviving the zombie apocalypse. I’m not quite sure what brought me to this conclusion, probably the fact that some days I really do feel like it’s survival of the fittest. Don’t get me wrong, I love my children, but some days I definitely feel as though they won the battle of survival and I should just lay down and surrender. Here are the 7 reasons why being home alone with children is like surviving the zombie apocalypse, or on some days like not surviving it.

You are thirsty

There are most definitely days that I have gone the entire day without drinking as much as a few sips of my morning java. Usually this is the only thing that gets me through the day without falling asleep, drooling on the couch while both kids are coloring the TV screen. When the day starts off with crying, middles with crying and ends with crying, it just never happens. You start by pouring that delicious cup of coffee and then sometime around 10 AM you realize that you left that cup in the kitchen and you go to reheat it. Most days I end up finding the cup in the microwave or counter and it’s never been touched or a sip hasn’t even been taken out of it.

You’re hungry

Those women out there who are not yet mothers are laughing at this one. They think….Oh lord how could I possibly get through the day without eating. I’m always hungry and having a kid sounds like I will lose some weight.

WRONG.

The problem here is that you are so hungry, you just can’t find the time to eat…. real food…. ever.  You find yourself sneaking Cheetos from the kitchen cabinet while an episode of Barney is entertaining your children, even though you swore that your children would never be exposed to that horrible purple dinosaur.

You haven’t felt safe enough to use the bathroom all day

You have felt the urge to pee at least 3 times during the day, but yet some type of tragedy always strikes before you are able to actually get there. Once the tragedy is over, you completely forget about ever needing to go, especially when eating the Cheetos. It doesn’t really matter anyway, it’s not like you’ve had anything to drink all day.

Everyone is a dirty filthy mess

It may be a fact that you actually do have a working bathroom including a shower, but that doesn’t change much during the course of an eight hour day with children. The amazing messes that toddlers create in a very short span of 8 hours would amaze anyone other than a normal everyday mom. I have given multiple baths in a day, especially when I was that crazed first-time mom and thought the world would end if my poor little girl had applesauce on her shirt. Once that second kid comes into the picture, I actually encourage the dog to clean their faces instead of getting disgusted….did I say that?

You caught yourself at least once staring and daydreaming of a quieter time, and completely missed your children destroying something in your home.

It is a half daydream/half sleeping with your eyes open moment, but boy does it come to a quick halt when that one year old is suddenly ready to superman jump off the fireplace. Possibly the one-year-old is getting ready to feed the six-month-old the dog food, or found the garbage can and decided to lick the egg carton. No matter what the incident, as long as it didn’t happen!!  …. Almost……. doesn’t count.

At least once during the course of the day, you thought surely you wouldn’t make it.

Every day there is a time when I sit and find myself completely overwhelmed and wonder why I am a horrible mother. This usually happens when you realize that your children love that purple dinosaur or when you realize that you accidentally told the one-year-old that yes she could color her sisters face with the purple marker.

When the day is finally over, you are pretty much just happy everyone got out alive….yourself included!

The days when dad comes home or the kids are finally asleep in bed, and the mayonnaise is spread on the kitchen floor and the baby has a purple mustache, these are sometimes the good days. If we didn’t end up in the ER and both kids are alive and well, there is room to celebrate. At the end of the day, or the zombie apocalypse, that is really all that ever matters. I always just remember all of the almost’s, because…..Almost doesn’t count!

About the author

Christina Tippett

My name is Christina Tippett and I am from Schuylkill County, PA. I am married and a mother of 2 toddler girls, ages 3 and 5. I am currently working full time and attending college to work towards a bachelor’s degree to further my career. I am often overwhelmed by raising 2 toddler girls and love to find ways to laugh about every part of parenting during these crazy but sometimes hilarious times.

2 Comments

  • I only have one kid but one or three we all experience some kind of crazy in our day while raising children. I never got past that first time mom stage but one day I hope to experience the crazy all over again with another little child…or zombie as you call them. Lol. They are definitely worth it though aren’t they? I loved the article. Thanks for the laugh! Misty