Journal Relationships

Apologize To Your Husband – Even When He’s A Jerk

Apologize To Your Husband - Even When He's A Jerk
Written by Crystal Foose

You know how sometimes your husband says something insensitive that hurts your feelings and then you get all mad and pretty soon you are having a little spat? 

Then, since you are parents, life happens, you get interrupted, and you head to bed later that night with the issue unresolved.  You are stewing, but wonder if he even remembers anything happened.  You think about that sage marital advice about never going to bed mad and decide it’s stupid because you are super tired. 

Well, don’t roll over just yet.


“What?” you say, “Apologize?  But he’s the one that said… He should be the one apologizing!”

But wait a minute now.  Remember how you tell your kids that you don’t care who started it?

Well, that applies to grown-ups too.  If you say something unkind, you apologize.  End of story.

Now if you are one of those rare saints who never stoops to saying something unkind in return when your feelings are hurt you can quit reading right now. 

Yeah, that’s what I thought.  You’re still here.

One night after the above scenario played out at my house; I felt I was going to need to get things resolved before I could sleep, but was not up for an argument.  I’d been sick, the toddler had been in our bed the night before, and it was just one of many nights I wanted SLEEP!  I am not sure how or why I decided to apologize even though I felt like I had more right to be upset than him, but I did.  It blossomed into a great conversation, and we both went to sleep at peace afterward.

To give this a shot yourself, think of whatever you said that probably didn’t need to be said and was potentially hurtful, then sincerely apologize for that.  It may open up a conversation without launching into an attack by bringing up what made you mad first.  As the conversation develops, be sure to include how you felt about what he said that upset you.  Otherwise, you might realize later you are still irritated.  Now, unless your husband is a true jerk and not just an occasionally and momentary one like most, he will probably be a lot more open to understanding your feelings and returning the apology after you’ve given one of your own.

A quick note to my husband and all others who read this, and for any feminists who are planning to give me a huge blast in the comments:  It’s an equal opportunity strategy.  I highly suggest men give it a try too!

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About the author

Crystal Foose

Crystal Foose became a mother only a month past her 18th birthday. Today she is the mother of seven children ranging from teens to a toddler, living out in the middle of nowhere, Colorado. She is a conservative and a Christian, but not the really nice kind who is good at it. She aims to hone the craft of giving advice without pretending to have this whole mom thing figured out over on her blog at

  • Bailey

    “But wait a minute now. Remember how you tell your kids that you don’t care who started it?”

    Well that’s not at all convicting. 😉 Thanks for the reminder.

  • Great advice! I’m getting married in September and will definitely keep this in mind!
    Alexandra Christine Blog

  • Great advice. I’ve been married going on 15 years now!

  • Brittany Strawbridge

    Love this & so important! My husband and I always resolve things before falling asleep – even if that means we don’t go to bed until 2am. My husband and I went to a marriage conference a couple years ago and the speaker said the same thing – because usually in an argument, it always takes 2. Thanks for sharing!

  • tabithablue

    Yep agree with Bailey about the kids line… it doesn’t matter who started it. We can still choose to end it, the right way!

  • This is true. You’ll feel better about it as well. Dragging out a “fight” or argument isn’t good for anyone involved. Your marriage is more important than a little spat here and there.

  • Tabitha Shakespeare

    Great advice! Too often we let arguments become long grudge matches!

  • Rachel Catherine

    This is good advice. It’s really difficult to do this sometimes but an I’m sorry goes a long way.

  • I always apologize too! It’s not about whether I’m right or he’s wrong, it’s just about getting things back on track.

  • I needed this. Thank you.

  • feminist here! Still totally not going to blast you. Of course this is a great strategy! Anything is better than senseless fighting or going to bed angry.