Journal Relationships

We Went To Bed In Silence

We Went To Bed In Silence
Written by Michelle Koch

Last night I slept on the edge of the bed with my back turned to my husband. It is the most uncomfortable position to sleep in. No sweet slumber can be found in that lonely space on the outskirts.

We had a disagreement earlier and we hadn’t spoken since. We went to bed in silence. The space between us was both literal and figurative. I’m normally the one who feels the need to drift off to sleep while making contact with my bed partner. I love the peaceful, reassuring feeling it gives me.

Last night I clung to the edge and quietly cried myself to sleep.

It is rare for us to fight. I avoid conflict like it is a deadly germ. One that makes me sick and unsteady. And that is how I feel now, sick and unsteady. He left without a word this morning.


In my head I know he didn’t sleep well, allergies are making him miserable and he had a busy day ahead at work and was running late. My heart, however, is not so logical. My heart ached for a little sign of love. A little something to reassure my heart. Something to bridge the gap.

In the meantime, I’m unsettled wondering if the silence will continue into the evening. Debating on ways to break it and giving thought as to why that always seems to be my role. Egg shells are no place to walk.

My head knows we are fine, this is just a small bump in the road. My heart panics with every abandonment fear in me sure we’ve reached a sink hole.

Because I know my head is right I ask God for peace in my heart and in my home. Despite the fact that I sometimes resent being the peacemaker I also know it is a beautiful role to embrace. If I didn’t choose to accept my role as relational glue we might indeed find ourselves at a sink hole. A place where a small disagreement could fester into something far larger than it ever deserved to be.

For some reason, I often think in terms of analogies. In my mind, we are Velcro. Together we are strong and serve a purpose. On our own, we are missing key components and don’t work properly.  One of us seems a bit harsh and one of us appears weak. As you can probably guess, I am the soft one. I get hung up on things. Perhaps I don’t discipline enough, but life can be hard and I want to be a soft place to land. When the two halves of Velcro are separated it makes an unpleasant noise. We had a bit of that noise last night.

I hate that sound. The sound of things coming apart.

So today I resolve to look for small ways to stick us back together, back where we belong. So I text my husband and ask if our son and I can bring him lunch at work. Upon arrival, I do my best to hide my still sick feeling. We eat our lunch and make small talk going through the motions. As we said our goodbyes, he kissed my forehead and all felt right with the world in that instant. Just like that, our Velcro halves pressed back together. Sinkhole averted. 

What if I’d not took the first step? Would that painful silence fill our evening? Would anyone of us benefit from letting that awkwardness linger?

Sometimes couples need to disagree. Sometimes tempers are short. Sometimes someone overreacts. Don’t let it be more than it is. Bridging the gap is more worthy of your time than being right.

About the author

Michelle Koch

Michelle truly believes that our lives are meant to be amazing adventures and that those adventures can keep us close to home or take us around the world. She dreams of living in the country, but within close proximity to a Target. She is married to a guy she has loved for more than 25 years and doesn’t feel old enough for that to be possible. Her son has her wrapped around his dirty little fingers. Michelle writes about seeking grace, celebrating beauty, and living with gratitude at One Grateful Girl. You can connect with her on Facebook, Instagram, and Pinterest.


  • :'( Wow, Girl, this brought tears to my eyes! This has been my life more than it should be, especially since our sweet babies came. I love how you gave an instance of being the peacemaker. I need to embrace that role better! Thank you for sharing! <3

    • Aww, thanks Tiffany. I’m both glad you could relate and sad to hear that it happens more than it should. For us it is pretty rare. Babies change relationship dynamics for sure…as does sleep deprivation. I think as long as your relationship is healthy that embracing the role of peacemaker can be a gift.

      • For the most part it is (every marriage could use work in some area or another!). PPD has gotten the best of me too much these last two years of having babies, but Hubby has had so much grace for me. He went out of his way just last night by cleaning most of the whole house (while I tried to get a screaming baby to sleep for two hours) since we’re having company tonight. <3 I love that we wives have a safe place to share here. 🙂

      • I’m glad to hear he is supportive! I hope you have a nice evening with your company.

  • Women: you are responsible for the emotional work of the relationship. Silencing and sulking is something you have to manage and tread on eggshells around. Don’t expect your husband to do the emotional work, that’s your job.