I want to leave my husband, but it’s not what you’re thinking.

We’re not having marriage troubles (at least any more than the rest of you). We’re not dealing with infidelity (as far as I am aware).

And neither of us is utterly depressed and completely unhappy (though a few cocktails surely help those grins stretch across our face).

We’re two people who married young, had kids relatively young and have been working to balance a partnership, some romance, a home, work, two dogs and parenting duties.

It’s not far-fetched for you to assume that I would want to leave my spouse or that he would want to part ways with me; goodness knows we drive each other crazy daily and get on each other’s nerves more often than not.

Thankfully though, we’ve got something going for us—something that has helped us to stay married.

You see, both of us love who we were, who we are raising, and who we know we will be in the future, more than who we are today, and that is what keeps us together.

So, why then did I say I want to leave the man I married?

Because I do, but let me explain what I mean . . . 

I want to leave my husband each morning feeling like he is on top of the world. I want him to know when he walks out that door for work that he is valued, respected and loved by his family.

I want to leave my husband alone when he desires, giving him the space he needs to tend to himself and his personal growth without distraction or guilt.

I want to leave my husband alone with our children and put aside my need for control so he and our children can maintain their strong bond.

I want to leave my husband notes in his briefcase so I can remind him of the juvenile yet undeniably cute way we used to flirt with one another.

I want to leave my husband at home to go out with my girlfriends so he may have time to miss me.

I want to leave my husband with his friends, so he may see that I understand the vital role they play in his life and keeping him feeling balanced.

I want to leave my husband to sit in silence when that is what he desires.

I want to leave my husband on the edge of his seat as he listens to me excitedly share the events of my day.

I want to leave my husband feeling like his expectations for his life have been met and surpassed.

I want to leave my husband feeling like expectations for himself, me, and our children are unnecessary because most of the time, they aren’t realistic or helpful.

I want to leave my husband with a kiss and an “I love you” before bed, every single night.

I want to leave my husband without any doubt in his mind that I am grateful for his friendship.

I want to leave my husband wondering how he got so lucky to end up with a wife like me.

I want to leave my husband wondering if I realize just how lucky I am to have him for a husband so I have the opportunity to tell him so.

I want to leave my husband guessing where I will take him on the spontaneous date nights I so often surprise him with. I want to leave my husband wanting more of me after he sees me out of my yoga pants and squeezed into my little black dress.

I want to leave my husband with hints about what I want and need without me having to tell him outright.

I want to leave my husband with no doubt in his mind that I aim to be everything he needs and wants and hopefully even more than that.

And, more than anything, I want to leave my husband knowing, day in and day out, that no matter how crazy life becomes, how mad our children drive us, how hard parenting gets, how much work sucks, how behind we get on laundry and house cleaning and how many people look at us and thinking we are doomed, that I will never leave him.

Never.

Originally published on Grown & Flown