You know how you have your friends and then, you have your mom friends? Like the one who you can show an old picture of your no longer infant child talking about what an ugly baby he or she was and they’ll agree with you? The one who you can tell that dinner last night was fruit snacks that you threw blindly at them from the driver’s seat of your car because you figured it was close enough to bed time, they wouldn’t really need to eat dinner at that point anyway? The one who gets that when you say, “I don’t really like to play,” and totally points to fingers at her eyes and then to yours?
These women get you. They are your shelter in the storm of sanctimommies, the name that someone came up with, essentially to shame moms who shame other moms and I am only using for lack of a better term. The women who are in your mom friend tribe know that there is an unwritten, unspoken code between you two and they are not there to judge your differences as moms but rather celebrate the fact that we all have our own shit, it just smells different.
Well, today, I figured, why leave the mom code unwritten and unspoken? Why not just put it out there?
Rules in the Mom Code:
1. I will never judge you for not wanting girls’ night to last beyond bedtime and you will never judge me for having my children sleep in my bed.
2. I will never judge you for popping a beer at noon or a bottle of wine at 3. Unless you didn’t invite me. Then I’ll report you to social services.
3. I will never make fun of your swimsuit with a skirt or your bikini. We should all rock what we got however we want.
4. I will never ever extend an invitation to watch your child or children unless I mean it. If I don’t mean it, I won’t offer. If I do offer, I don’t want you to feel bad taking me up on it.
5. When I ask if you want to play date, I will likely be in athleisure wear and not have any snacks or drinks set out. If you want a snack or drink, you are welcome to my cupboards. So are your children.
6. If I disagree with another’s parents tactics or parenting and I tell you about it, I’m all for a discussion. I am always willing to look at both sides and to understand why one thing works for one family while another doesn’t. As long as you are, too.
7. When I ask if I can stop and bring you coffee, it is because I need human contact. If you don’t have the energy for my neediness, that is perfectly okay. You already have your own kids to take care of, who wants an adult-sized one.
8. Just because I have organic of something or a certain brand doesn’t mean I think whatever you choose is bad. It simply means we make different choices. Those choices don’t define our friendship… Just like breastfeeding, pacifiers, and potty training don’t.
9. If my kid is misbehaving, you can scold them. I hope you would want the same.
10. You will not judge me for my messy house or my children’s clothes and I will not judge you for our child’s performance in school or his or her inability to flush the toilet. These kids are all becoming people, and as mom friends, we get that.
11. I can tell you my true feelings about a certain child at a certain time, call my kid a jerk, tell you I don’t really like babies for more than in 1 hour increments, and tell you I won’t share my drink with my child because I don’t want their snot on my straw and you will have no judgment of me as a human being.
12. I will only return your texts when I have a moment, I will pretty much never listen to your voicemails but if it’s 2 am and you call, I will pick up the phone and listen until are all talked out.
13. I will ask your kid to say please and thank you. I will ask them to wash their hands. I will ask them to pick up their mess. And I will not blame your parenting if they fail to do any of those.
14. You are always welcome to drop and go. If you need someone to watch your kids and I am home, the more the merrier.
15. I hope that even if our kids aren’t friends anymore, we can still be. That’s the kind of mom friend you are to me.