The transition from married to married-with-kids is enough of a whiplash to add stress to any couples relationship. But sometimes being able to communicate to one another what you need from them is the best place to start when life has been ransacked with children.

Here are 5 things that every wife needs from her husband after having kids.

1. Hold My Hand – Figuratively and literally, guys. This parenting thing is just as hard for you as it is for us. We need someone beside us holding our hand with every new step in raising babies. We need someone to stand beside us and remind us we aren’t alone. And sometimes we need someone to actually reach over and grab our hand in the hard moments. While we are trying to breastfeed, while we realize we can’t breastfeed and give the baby their first bottle, when we’re sitting on the couch watching the news, and when we start to overanalyze our mothering. Hold our hand. We need you.
2. Tell Me I’m a Good Mom – Actually tell me I’m a great mom. Be my biggest cheerleader and let me know you believe in me. Comment on how well I swaddle, tell me, “You are amazing!” when I finally get the baby to sleep, and hug me and tell me I’m a great mom after disciplining our toddler. I need to hear your affirming words that you see the goodness of my mothering in the messy. Your words matter to me.
3. Ask Me What You Can Do To Help Me at the Beginning of Each Day – If we’re in the newborn stage, maybe I want you to hold the baby so I can take a long shower and shave my legs. Maybe I want you to help me fold laundry at the end of the day. I might need you to run to the grocery store because we are out of fruit snacks and milk. Or I might need you to entertain the kids so I can have 15 minutes alone to look at the wall. Whatever it is I might need that day, I need you. Your help is so important to me.
4. Find Time to Be Intimate With Me, Even If It’s Just For a Moment – Brush the hair from my face and kiss my cheek while I’m scrubbing the dishes, put your arm around me while we watch Netflix on the couch, smack my rear while I’m putting laundry in the washing machine, or tell me that you want to take me into the bedroom later tonight. I long for physical intimacy with you, and sometimes the smallest gesture makes all the difference to me. It reminds me of who I was before the babies came. And reminds me why I wanted to make them with you.
5. Tell Me What YOU Need – Being a parent isn’t just hard on us moms, but it’s hard on you dads, too. Tell me when you need a guys night out, or when you want to head to the driving range for a couple hours, or when you want to get me into bed. While I loved you first, I love lots of other little people now too, and my attention is divided. But as your wife, I want to know what you need and I want to be able to give it to you when I can. Your desires and needs matter to me. But I can’t know how to help if you don’t tell me first.

Being able to communicate these things are so important in our marriages once we have kids. But our guys will never know unless we tell them.

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