I held you before I even knew you existed, little one.

I held you within my body. I held you when the only evidence of you being there was a combination of waves of debilitating nausea, aches in my back, and two colored lines that proclaimed your presence. I held you through pregnancy, which sometimes made me feel like I was dancing across the clouds, and sometimes made my body feel so heavy and anxious and weary and that it simply could not hold anything, not even the weight of my own soul, any longer.

I held you in my arms. I held you while you nursed, while you slept. I held you while I bounced, while I rocked, while I swayed. I held you while I cried and wondered, how does anyone do this? How will I get through it? I held you when I was so, very tired of all the holding. I held you while I cried and mouthed a silent prayer of thanks to have been gifted with you. I held you so you could eat, so you could rest, so you could feel assured that you were safe, you were loved, and you were home. When your fragile little body settled into my arms I felt you melt. I watched your fists unclench and I leaned into your downy head as you burrowed with familiarity into the curve of my neck.

I held you, loosely perched on my hip, or slung onto my back, while I went about my day. By then, we were like two pieces of a puzzle, made to fit together without any thought or effort. Without even noticing it sometimes, I would find myself swinging you up there—your place, your seat on my hip, your viewing deck onto my world. I held you while I stirred the simmering ragout on the stove, while I pushed a trolley of groceries, while I hopped onto a bus, while I carried your sister in my burgeoning belly and despite strangers’ looks of surprise that I was still complying to your request of, “Mama, carry you.”

I hold you now, after you give me that look that says you think you might be getting too old to ask for it, but when I can, I will keep saying yes. I will keep on holding you, no matter how big you think you’re getting, no matter how bashful a glance you throw at me as your arms stretch upwards, and no matter how far up those arms can now reach.

The bittersweet twist of this story, my darling, this story of you and me and how very much you need or want me to hold you when you’re young, is that I hold you, sweet baby—I hold you, close to my heart, I breathe you in and grasp onto you as closely as I can—so that one day, you’ll know it’s OK to let go.

I hold you so you know I am your home. I hold you so you can venture with courage, so you can dive in headfirst into your life, so you can someday walk so far down the path that you end up somewhere you, or even I, have never been.

I hold you so even if you turn around and can no longer see that well-worn path leading back home, you will know with unshakeable faith that your home still stands. Your home is still there.

I hold you so you know when the world is too much, when you feel afraid or ecstatic, when you feel overwhelmed or overjoyed, when you feel a sadness so deep in your soul or a bliss that invigorates all of your senses and sets you alight, you can come right back into my arms.

And baby, I will hold you. Even if you no longer fit on my lap, even if you’re a little bit embarrassed, even if you have a job, or a mortgage, or a little one of your own who needs you to hold her.

I hold you so you know I am here, every step of the way, whether that step is the first one those spongy feet have ever taken or a step you take with such confidence and self-assurance that you don’t even think twice about me or whether you might need my help.

And until then, baby, I will hold you, and I will keep holding you, for as long as you need.

You may also like: Don’t Let Me Forget Their Littleness

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available now!

Order Now

Check out our new Keepsake Companion Journal that pairs with our So God Made a Mother book!

Order Now
So God Made a Mother's Story Keepsake Journal

Her View From Home

Millions of mothers connected by love, friendship, family and faith. Join our growing community. 1,000+ writers strong. We pay too!   Find more information on how you can become a writer on Her View From Home at https://herviewfromhome.com/contact-us/write-for-her//

This Time In the Passenger Seat is Precious

In: Kids, Motherhood, Teen
Teen driver with parent in passenger seat

When you’re parenting preteens and teens, it sometimes feels like you are an unpaid Uber driver. It can be a thankless job. During busy seasons, I spend 80 percent of my evenings driving, parking, dropping off, picking up, sitting in traffic, running errands, waiting in drive-thru lines. I say things like buckle your seat belt, turn that music down a little bit, take your trash inside, stop yelling—we are in the car, keep your hands to yourself, don’t make me turn this car around, get your feet off the back of the seat, this car is not a trash can,...

Keep Reading

So God Made My Daughter a Wrestler

In: Kids, Motherhood
Young female wrestler wearing mouth guard and wrestling singlet

God made my girl a wrestler. Gosh, those are words I would never have thought I would say or be so insanely proud to share with you. But I am. I know with 100 percent certainty and overwhelming pride that God made my girl a wrestler. But it’s been a journey. Probably one that started in the spring of 2010 when I was pregnant with my first baby and having the 20-week anatomy ultrasound. I remember hearing the word “girl” and squealing. I was over the moon excited—all I could think about were hair bows and cute outfits. And so...

Keep Reading

A Big Family Can Mean Big Feelings

In: Faith, Kids, Motherhood
Family with many kids holding hands on beach

I’m a mother of six. Some are biological, and some are adopted. I homeschool most of them. I’m a “trauma momma” with my own mental health struggles. My husband and I together are raising children who have their own mental illnesses and special needs. Not all of them, but many of them. I battle thoughts of anxiety and OCD daily. I exercise, eat decently, take meds and supplements, yet I still have to go to battle. The new year has started slow and steady. Our younger kids who are going to public school are doing great in their classes and...

Keep Reading

You May Be a Big Brother, but You’ll Always Be My Baby

In: Kids, Motherhood
Mother with young son, color photo

It seems like yesterday we were bringing you home from the hospital. Back then, we were new parents, clueless but full of love—a love that words can hardly explain. I can vividly recall holding you in my arms, rocking you in the cutest nursery, and singing sweet lullabies, just like yesterday. I can picture those times when you were teeny-tiny, doing tummy time, and how proud I was of you for lifting your head. And oh, the happiness on your face when “Baby Shark” played over and over—that song always made you smile! We made sure to capture your growth...

Keep Reading

“It Looks and Tastes Like Candy.” Mom Shares Warning about THC Gummies All Parents Need to Hear

In: Kids, Living, Teen
Hand holding bottle of THC gummies

What Aimee Larsen first thought was a stomach bug turned out to be something much more terrifying for her young son. Her 9-year-old woke up one day last week seeming “lethargic, barely able to stand or speak,” his mom shared in a Facebook post. At first, she assumed he had a virus, but something about his behavior just didn’t seem right. She called an ambulance and asked her older sons if their brother might have gotten into something, like cough syrup or another over-the-counter medicine. Their answer? “Yeah, THC gummies.” THC gummies are an edible form of cannabis that contain...

Keep Reading

Dear Daughter as You Grow into Yourself

In: Kids, Motherhood, Tween
Girl in hat and dress-up clothes, color photo

My daughter, I watched you stand in front of the mirror, turning your body left and right. Your skirt was too big and your top on backward. Your bright blue eyeshadow reached your eyebrows and bold red blush went up to your ears. You didn’t care. I watched you marvel at your body, feeling completely at ease in your skin. You turned and admired yourself with pride. You don’t see imperfections. You don’t see things you are lacking. You see goodness. You see strength. RELATED: Daughter, When You Look in the Mirror, This is What I Hope You See I’m...

Keep Reading

My Child with Special Needs Made His Own Way in His Own Time

In: Kids, Motherhood
Mother holding child's hand walking across street

I want to tell you the story of a little boy who came to live with me when he was three years old. Some of you may find this story familiar in your own life. Your little boy or girl may have grown inside you and shares your DNA or maybe they came into your life much older than three. This little boy, this special child, my precious gift has special needs. Just five short years ago, he was a bit mean and angry, he said few understandable words, and there was a lot about this world he didn’t understand. Unless...

Keep Reading

Organized Sports Aren’t Everything

In: Kids, Motherhood
Young girl with Alpaca, color photo

Today I watched my little girl walk an alpaca. His name is Captain. Captain is her favorite. He’s my favorite too. I met his owner on Instagram of all places. She thought I was in college; I thought she was a middle-aged woman. Turns out, she is in high school, and I am a middle-aged woman. This random meeting led to a blessing. We call it “llama lessons.” We take llama lessons every other week. It’s an hour away on the cutest hobby farm. Our “teacher” is Flora, who boards her llamas at the alpaca farm. She wants to teach...

Keep Reading

I Had to Learn to Say “I’m Sorry” to My Kids

In: Kids, Motherhood, Teen, Tween
Mom hugs tween daughter

My two oldest kiddos are at the front end of their teen years. I remember that time in my own life. I was loud, somewhat dramatic, I let my hormones control me, and I never—ever—apologized. This last part was because no one ever really taught me the value of apology or relationship repair. Now, I could do some parent blaming here but let’s be real, if you were a kid whose formative years were scattered between the late ’80s and early ’90s, did you get apologies from your parents? If so, count that blessing! Most parents were still living with...

Keep Reading

5 Things Your Child’s Kindergarten Teacher Wants You To Know

In: Kids, Motherhood
Child raising hand in kindergarten class

I am a teacher. I have committed my life to teaching children. Of course, before I began this career, I had visions of standing in front of a group of eager-eyed children and elaborating on history, science, and math lessons. I couldn’t wait to see the “lightbulb” moments when students finally understood a reading passage or wrote their first paper. And then I had my first day. Children are not cut out of a textbook (shocking, I know) but as a young 23-year-old, it knocked me right off my feet. I was thrown into the lion’s den, better known as...

Keep Reading