Dear Son, You Are What I’ve Been Waiting For

I’ve been there—in the depths of despair.

Those dark and desolate nights when you feel as though loneliness completely envelopes you, with no escape in sight. Why did this happen to me? Will I ever be able to truly love again? Am I even worthy of love?

Seven years ago, life dealt me the emotional blow of infidelity and divorce. This type of emotional pain is unlike any other. It can be all-consuming and takes quite some time to properly heal. People seem to think they know what they would do if they experience a spouse’s infidelity, but it is not always so black-and-white. 

During some of my darkest moments, I felt as though I would never have a sense of belonging to anyone or anything.

I prayed for comfort during my times of loneliness and despair. I asked God to send the right people into my life who would love and respect me. I had to believe and accept that God was doing something wonderful for me during this very difficult time in my life.

RELATED: God Actually Does Give Us More Than We Can Handle

Learning to love and trust again is a process. With some deep soul-searching, individual therapy, lots of self-care, and the support of my family, I was able to start anew. My guarded heart was eventually able to find love again, and my current husband is truly a godsend. 

But I didn’t genuinely know what love was until my son came along.

When I got pregnant, I knew that life wasn’t just about me anymore. There would be someone else completely dependent on me. What would it feel like to hold this child in my arms? This child needed all of me, my whole heart. But was my wounded heart up to the task?

Yes. A million times, yes.

The coldness of the operating room was not enough to drown out the joy in my heart. Hearing his little squeals and looking into his eyes for the first time was all I needed. As the doctors sewed me back up, it was as if everything was being put back into place. 

It all makes sense now. 

All of the heartbreak and pain.

All of the lonely sleepless nights.

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All of the hopeless thoughts.

All of the endless questions.

All of the feelings that I was not enough.

All of the time I spent moving forward.

All of the work I did to heal.

All of the time I spent guarding my heart.

All of the hoping and praying for a miracle.

It was all worth it.

I look into those honey-brown eyes and know that all is well. His smiles and giggles are all I need to keep me focused and present. There is no need to venture back into the past. He is why I am here. He is my why.

RELATED: My Heart Was Waiting For a Son

I am here for you, my sweet boy. You are what I’ve been waiting for. My heart is so full and content. 

God not only blessed me with a little boy, but he also healed my broken heart. Thank you for restoring my heart, my sweet little boy.

During those life-crushing moments, do not lose hope. There is a plan for your heart. Mine came in a 7lb 5oz bundle of joy.

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Articles by Rachel Ketcham

Rachel Ketcham

Rachel is a law-enforcement wife, stay-at-home mom, former teacher, and writer at heart. In her free time she enjoys iced coffee, family trips to Target, off-roading in her Jeep, and snuggling up with a good book. She is the owner and writer of Hold These Moments, a lifestyle website that focuses on helping parents, teachers, and law enforcement spouses discover simple tools that minimize stress and promote mindfulness. 

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