I Bought School Supplies Today—Please Don’t Judge Me

Please don’t judge me. I’m standing in the store buying school supplies today.

I’m filled with so many emotions as I check the list and put the specific crayons and markers in my cart. 

And I see all the looks I’m getting. But if you only knew. 

Distancing learning with my children during this pandemic was a nightmare. 

I truly do not understand how other parents did it.

We struggled.

We fought. 

We cried.

We yelled.

We did this almost every day. 

RELATED: Dear Kindergarten Mama, I Know Your Heart is Hurting

Ten more than 5 was not 15 in our house.

It equaled rough.

I don’t even know if my children learned anything. 

So here I am, buying school supplies today and I’m asking you not to judge me. 

I guess its my way of being hopeful that this thing will turn around and disappear.

But in my heart I also felt guilty putting the supplies in my cart during this time.

Guilty because I don’t want to put anyone’s health or life in danger by sending my children back to school.

RELATED: There Are No ‘Right’ Decisions About School This Year So Please Just Be Kind

Especially my children. 

But you have to understand where I’m coming from.

Some of us don’t have help.

We have been together every day since this outbreak. We need a break.

And no, I’m not relying on the school system to babysit my children. 

Our mental health has suffered dramatically.

I’ve had more emotional breakdowns than I care to admit. And I’ve been dealing with them alone because we can’t go anywhere, we can’t see anyone. 

My children miss being and need to be social.

They don’t understand, “I can’t play with you because of the virus.”

I’m tired of the constant fighting because they haven’t been apart from each other in what feels like forever.

I’m not a good teacher.

I don’t even want to teach.

I’m sorry, it’s not me. 

And no one can blame me for that. 

RELATED: As the School Year Nears, Nothing I Choose Feels Right

It’s not what I wanted to be when I grew up. 

Even more than that, my kids know I’m not a teacher.

I’m physically, mentally, and emotionally drained. 

I don’t have the right answers. 

I want my children to go back to school.

I don’t want anyone to get sick. 

I want my children to get an education. 

I don’t want you to think I’m selfish. 

I really do understand your point and your opinion in all of this.

However, you only knew how hard this has been. 

Please let me be as I check out with these backpacks and pencils. 

It’s my only hope right now.