I volunteered in my fifth-grade daughter’s class today. She’s graduating from elementary school, so, of course, I was guilted into doing the yearbook. All the kids stood in line, from tallest to shortest, waiting to get onto the risers for the entire grade photo. They didn’t realize I was watching, but what I saw almost made me cry.
All the girls were fixing each other’s hair. “Does it look better like this or like that?” was said countless times and met with a sincere and thoughtful pause and then an answer. They were building each other up and helping each other out.
All I could think about was: When does that change? Does it change once puberty hits and the hormones take over? Why does that change? Is it because boys enter the picture and comparison and scarcity mindset take over? How do we keep it from changing? Is it possible to prevent an entire generation from one day looking at each other as competition instead of with compassion?
Can we reverse it for those of us who have experienced the flip? Like, for real? Can we stop seeing each other as rivals and return it back to supporters?
Because of my husband’s job, we’ve moved a few times, and so I’ve had to start over with each new city. Not knowing many people, I would find myself settling in terms of friendships. I spent a lot of time with people I had nothing in common with and who wouldn’t be my first choice, simply out of a desire to socialize.
At first, I thought maybe I was being difficult or picky, but I realized I don’t have to compromise on how I want to be treated or treat others. And that’s okay.
I don’t know if it’s older age, life experience, or a combination of both. Maybe it’s because I have sought it out and have not settled for less than friends who are crown straighteners, but now I have found many women who are like those fifth-grade girls.
We all know it is second nature to compare ourselves to others. It’s automatic. And the people around us make for great reference points. The only problem is that social media has greatly expanded the group of people “around us.” But it’s just a trap.
It usually serves no positive benefit and only distracts you from what you care about and is truly important. And it is the easiest way to lose yourself. There will always be someone with more, have a better, be smarter, etc. than you. Someone will invariably have a better house, better-behaved kids, a better job, and the list could go on and on.
It keeps you stagnant. It will hinder your connections with others. Instead of wanting to build a friendship based on similarities, it makes you keep your physical distance.
Comparison convinces you to run a race you can never win. It only takes you on a journey to low self-esteem and doubt, often convincing you there is only one way to be or do things. It doesn’t have the power to make you better. It will only make you bitter.
When we are distracted by someone else’s life, we forget to live our own. The grass is only greener where you water it. The only person you should compare yourself to is the person you were yesterday.
So, I guess the answer to my last question is that it starts with us. If we don’t let comparison and envy into our hearts and instead try to be the type of girl who says, “Your hair looks great parted to that side” or “Let me help you fix your shirt,” then slowly but surely we will see the flip.
Whether you realize it or not, we all stand on the metaphorical risers together. If we all help each other out, the picture turns out much better.
by Kelli Bachara 
by Jessica Johnston 
