I Think You Knew

The Sweetest Mother's Day Gift!

I told you I was proud of you on one of your worst days.

I wanted to stay longer, but I know, and I think you knew, that I couldn’t.

You wanted out of that chair, to get back to your walks, back to your errands, back to your girls’ outings. But we both knew you couldn’t.

And so I had to go.

You said, “I’ll just be here.”

I told you I loved you. And my voice cracked as I told you how proud I was of you.

I turned and walked out, leaving a large piece of my heart behind.

I think of this moment often.

Just stay. Turn around. Sit back down.

But I had to go.

I didn’t want you to see me cry. I didn’t want you to see that I knew as well as you did, the path we were headed down.

I wanted to smile, kiss you, hug you, and tell you how beautiful you were. I wanted you to smile. I wanted you to laugh. I didn’t want you to know.

What we already knew.

I told you how proud I was of you that day, and I should have told you more.

You didn’t want to be a burden, and I told you, ‘you could never.’

“I don’t know why I feel like this. I just want to be better.” You said.

“Your body has been through so much. You’re the strongest woman I know,” I responded.

You didn’t believe it, but I hope you knew.

I walked out the door that day, but I wish I had turned around. I wish I held your hand, I wish I let you cry. I wish I had told you again and again, that you did win.

I look back on the “ringing of the bell” videos and I think you knew. The rest of us, we didn’t know, not yet.

But I think you knew.

You didn’t want people to worry or cry on your behalf, so we did it in private. We worried. We cried. And we texted.

Update after update. Until it all stopped.

August 20, 2020.

I was so proud of you that day. Terrified, but proud.

And every day thereafter.

Through the chemo, through the hair loss, through the sickness. Through the smiles that didn’t reach your eyes.

Through the scans. So many scans. The biopsies, the blood tests.

Through the radiation. The weakness, the hospital stays.

Gosh, I was so proud of you.

One year ago, we had some hope, but I think you knew.

I walked out of your room that day because I had to go.

And I think you knew. That I would have stayed, if I could.

I think you knew how proud I was.

How proud I am.

Yes, I think you know.

Originally published on the author’s blog

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Grief i miss my mom I miss my mother I think you knew in heaven losing my mom losing my mother mom in heaven Mother my mom my mom in heaven my mother in heaven

Ashley Daniels

Ashley is a stay-at-home mommy to three young boys and a baby girl. She enjoys coffee by the potful, preferably lukewarm, using the bathroom on her own, and moments of silence in quick, 5-minute increments. Ashley enjoys writing in her free time, allowing her the ability to reflect and to be grateful for the life she's been given. You can follow more of Ashley's writings at https://sheramblesandshewrites.wordpress.com/

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So God Made a Mother

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