True Friendship Is a Give and Take

Have you ever had one of those friends who wants to be invited to all the things and be “in the know”—but doesn’t show up in the ways that count? They seem to take far more than they give, yet expect the world of their friends? What do you do with that?

I have an incredible group of female friends, but over the past two years, it slowly became apparent that some relationships weren’t healthy. It felt like some were missing reciprocity.

If we didn’t open up, if we weren’t vulnerable, if we needed time to build trust, they became frustrated and moved on. Very rarely did they initiate get-togethers. Celebrating anyone else didn’t seem important to them. Even at group things, there were just a few people they would talk to.

I deeply loved these women, and I’m sure they didn’t intentionally act like this. But we could never make them feel special enough on their birthdays, or acknowledge their achievements and accomplishments enough. They expected too much of our friendships. To be included. To share their burdens. To minimize small talk and force vulnerability. Discuss their topics and issues. Celebrate their accomplishments. And don’t get me wrong, I believe these are things deep friendships should contain. But it was rarely, if ever, reciprocated.

And this year it all ended. Abruptly. One-sided. Without explanation.

Now I realize it needed to.

But I still struggled with feeling like a failure. I had a lot of guilt and shame about letting them down. I want to be someone who fights for my friendships and works through the hard. But I also felt strangely…free.

Free of needing to make sure they left every group gathering feeling like their time hadn’t been wasted. Free of forcing myself to be more vulnerable than I was ready for. Free of crazy one-sided expectations. I was exhausted from pretzeling myself into meeting all their expectations. I took their lack of engagement as disconnection and exclusion, and desperately tried to change it, which I realize now wasn’t necessarily my job to do.

It helped when a friend reminded me that it was their choice. They chose not to participate in our lives, yet still hold unrealistic expectations. They chose to focus on themselves. They chose to refuse conversations. And although, as Christians, we are called to love our neighbors, that doesn’t mean allowing every person into our inner circle. It’s okay to put up healthy boundaries and expectations. It’s okay to have certain expectations of your closest relationships.

So I grieved the loss of these friendships. I grieved the truly memorable and fun times we had together. I grieved what I thought we had and being able to do life with others who are wonderful in their own ways. I still hold some of the time spent with them and their families with great fondness.

And don’t get me wrong, I make mistakes. So many, every day. Every day I’m learning more about myself that needs work. I don’t trust others easily. I’m cynical. My vulnerability terrifies me. I have deep-seated insecurities that can color so many interactions. But man, I try to be there for my friends.

I’m not saying there isn’t a time or season we all find it more difficult to be actively present in our relationships. Heaven knows there are times we are tapped out and need to be with our people, but don’t have the bandwidth. But eventually, you show back up. Initiate conversations. Make suggestions in group events. Text a hello now and then.

Friends, let me tell you something. Friendships are incredible, but they are inconvenient. My friends don’t plan their crises around my schedule. Late-night calls don’t happen only when I have nothing the next day. Their relationship troubles don’t get tabled if I have a lot going on. They are worth it, but friendships aren’t convenient. You need to be willing to pour in and show up when it isn’t convenient.

We all lead busy lives. We all have things going on that consume our attention. We all relate and respond to others differently and bring different things to the table. And that’s what makes friend groups so incredible. The ways we show up and support our friends are unique and imperfect. But the key is showing up.

These past few months of discovering I need reciprocity have been hard, but they also reminded me about the group of incredible women I do have standing beside me. And those friendships are beautiful, and messy, and imperfect—but returned. Friendships change; sometimes they end or are challenging. I’ve learned I need authentic give-and-take friendships. I will stand proudly in the ones I have, knowing it’s all worth it.

So if you’re like me, struggling with non-reciprocal friendships, or maybe a friendship that needs to end, I challenge you to keep showing up for those who show up for you. It’s inconvenient, it’s hard, and there is a huge learning curve, but what matters is that you show up.

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Articles by Amber Kuipers

Amber Kuipers

Amber is a children's author whose first book When Grey Came to Stay is about her own personal grief story. She lives in a small town with her husband, three kids, two dogs, and two chickens. Amber prefers to do life outside and avoids being neat and tidy.