The holidays are fun. And hard. I always feel so blessed. And also so empty at times. Each aspect of preparing. Enjoying. Every outing. Laugh. Gift. Shared meal.
Seems different.
Each new member added to our family brings us so much joy. But it never fills the hole left by a loss. It simply doesn’t work that way. Each year gets a little easier. But the void never goes away.
After all the festivities were over this past Christmas, I sat in my living room in my new home. Curled up in a blanket on the couch. Trying to watch a television show. And just relax. Keep my mind busy.
But I kept staring at my decorated tree over my shoulder. And that empty chair in the corner. She hadn’t ever even actually sat in it. But I knew. She would have. She should have.
I pictured her with her glasses perched on her nose. Her blonde hair pulled back in a clip on her head. Bangs falling framing her face. And her beautiful laughter carrying through the room.
I pictured each grandchild running over to show her their new gifts. Even the ones she’s never actually met. Her head bent down close to theirs. Her arms encircling them. Listening intently to every word. Smiling eyes next to chubby cheeks.
I could see her watching the room to make sure everyone liked their gifts and was having a good time. She just knew how to make you feel special. Never missing an emotion or a look. Actually seeing every family member. Every loved one. Every friend.
I saw her lifting the new baby over her head to stare into her chubby face. And then pull her in close to cuddle. Whispering sweet words only grandmas know how to say.
Yes. There’s a void. And no one can fill it. It’s not something to replace. Or even ignore. It just is.
Praise the Lord, she’s not unhappy. Or even wishing to be here. She’s with her loving Savior.
But I’m somewhere in between. Struggling on earth in a season of joy. And filled with awe at how my soul can hold heaven so close, I can almost feel her presence again.
So maybe you’re like me. And you’ve had a loss. And the season you love is still fun and full of love. But also hard. Emotional. Wearing. And at times, empty.
Can I say? It’s okay. Death was never His plan. It isn’t who He is. And sometimes I wonder if our minds can’t comprehend what heaven won’t ever hold.
So I say grieve. Even if it’s been seven years. Or 10. Or 20. It’s a beautiful thing we’ll only do this side of heaven.
But not without hope. Because one day, we’ll leave grief behind and be reunited in a forever holiday. In the biggest celebration of all. Surrounded by those we have lost. And forever saturated with our Savior’s perfect love.
Originally published on the author’s Facebook page
by Jenni Brennan 
by Her View From Home 
