Pre-Order So God Made a Mother

That time of year has found us once again.

Everywhere we turn we see the sights, sounds, and smells of the holidays.

Stores fill their aisles with holiday decorations and pine tree scents. Dunkin’ Donuts and Starbucks rolled out their festive holiday cups. Radio stations have been playing holiday tunes for weeks now. Social media is filled with posts of families posing for their holiday greeting cards in fields filled with Christmas trees. 

After everything this year has brought us, we can all breathe a sigh of relief and lean into the holidays. Right?

Wrong.

For so many of us, these winter holidays are hard and nothing short of heartbreaking.

This time of year, more than any other time of year, is when all the wounds of grief start to open up, memories flood to the surface of grievers’ minds, and the pain of losing someone we love is more palpable than ever. 

Everywhere they turn, people who have lost loved ones are reminded those special people will not be with them this holiday season.

There will be no gifts for them.

They will not be seated at their holiday tables.

They will not make their famous apple pies or green bean casseroles.

RELATED: How Are the Holidays in Heaven?

They won’t participate in their family’s matching pajamas traditions.

They won’t be there to help wrap presents or sign holiday cards.

Death has left an unimaginable hole in their lives and the holiday season amplifies it almost infinitely.

You probably know people who are hurting like this right now. They are your friends, your family members, your co-workers, and your neighbors. Maybe you are the person who is hurting right now. Maybe it’s all you can do to hold on each day as these cold, long nights and holiday cheer all around create a deep, dark sadness for you. 

My friend, keep holding on. You will make it through these hard days. These challenging times can be made a little less painful by leaning into a few core truths. 

It’s OK To Include Your Loved One in the Holidays

So often our society sends us subtle (and sometimes not so subtle) messages to find closure, let go, or move on following a loss. 

To put it nicely — that’s a bunch of nonsense.

You don’t need to let go of your loved one after their death. You should find new ways to hold onto them, treasure your memories of them, and find new ways to feel connected to them. 

It is OK to find a way to honor your loved one and include their memory in your holiday season. Perhaps there is a special ornament to hang on your tree or you can light a candle each night in their memory. Maybe you could volunteer to feed the homeless, sponsor a family in need, or host a toy drive. Cook that favorite dish of theirs. Wear those earrings they gave you. 

Don’t try to forget them this season. Instead, remember them. Talk about them. Share their memory with others.

Feeling Your Feelings is Normal and Healthy

This time of year, more than any other time of year, can make those of us who are grieving feel like we are on an emotional roller coaster. Suddenly that sweet little Santa figurine that used to make us smile sends us into a fit of sobbing. That Christmas movie we always used to love suddenly makes us feel angry and jealous. 

RELATED: Today My Grief Looked Like Rage

These feelings are normal. There is nothing wrong with you — you are grieving. If you need to cry, cry. If you need to express some anger, take up kickboxing or scream into a pillow. 

Seriously. Let out your emotions.

If you try to bottle up all of your feelings, they probably will escape at the most inopportune times — like when your child spills his glass of apple juice, someone cuts you off on the highway, or that lady in front of you tries to sneak 13 items into the 12 items or less express-line at the grocery store.

Reaching Out To Your Support Network is Not a Sign of Weakness

For many people, their support networks kick into hyper-drive following a loss. Phone calls, texts, visits, casseroles, and cards pour in almost non-stop immediately following the death.

But after the funeral, those types of support can suddenly come to a crashing halt. Do people suddenly stop caring? No.

Many people are uncomfortable around grief and simply don’t know what to say, what to do, or how to act. So, they avoid it.

RELATED: When the Holidays Are Hard

Don’t be afraid to tell your support network what you need. It’s OK to ask for specific things like invitations to social events, regular phone calls, a visit, staying away for a while, and even practical help with things like errands and child care.

In most cases, your support network will be delighted to have been given a specific way to be useful and supportive for you.

You Must Be Kind To Yourself

Check yourself right now. Do you have some negative self-talk swirling around in your brain? Are you judging yourself for what you are feeling and how you are expressing those feelings? 

Be kind and understanding to yourself.

Grief doesn’t go away. It’s always there inside you. You carry it around with you and sometimes it’s heavier than other times. It’s normal, and it’s OK to struggle with the weight of that grief. Recognize that it is normal for this time of year to be more painful and challenging.

This is a good time of year to try to look for the things and people that bring you hope. Do things that make you feel good and nurture yourself. Yoga. Walk. Exercise. Journal. Read. Play music. Listen to music. Start therapy. Attend a support group.

Above all, remember you are human and deserve compassion — especially from yourself. 

Try asking yourself these 25 self care questions every day.

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available for pre-order now!

Pre-Order Now

Jenni Brennan

Jenni Brennan, LICSW is an author, podcaster, college professor, therapist, and mother. Her work centers around the topics of grief, health and wellness, relationships, and parenting.

Losing My Narcissistic Mother Is Complicated

In: Grief, Loss
Depressed woman sitting on kitchen floor silhouette

It’s so utterly destructive. It’ll knock the wind—no the very oxygen—out of your sails. It’s nauseating. Conflicting. Terrifying. And so very, very confusing. I did not know what to do with the information. The way I received this information made it more painful and confusing. I was angry.  My mom and I have never had a good relationship. She had her demons to fight, but by the time I was born, she must’ve been done fighting them. She showed one picture to the outside world, a perfect and happy family. But behind closed doors, it was just like the negatives...

Keep Reading

I Am the Griever

In: Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Mother kissing child's forehead

As I write this, my mother-in-law is in the ICU. We don’t expect her to leave.  She’s too young. Sixty-four. We got the call on Saturday.  “Get here this week,” they said. So we did. With a newborn, a 3-year-old, a 5-year-old, and a soon-to-be 16-year-old. We managed ICU visits with my in-laws and juggled childcare so we could all take turns seeing the matriarch. For the last time? Maybe.  The logistics are all-consuming and don’t leave a lot of space for anything else. Also, I hate logistics. My son asks questions nobody knows how to answer: Will I die...

Keep Reading

To the Friend Who Just Lost a Parent: It’s Going to Hurt and You’re Going to Grow

In: Grief, Grown Children, Loss
Sad woman hands over face

Oh, the inevitable, as we age into our mid to late 30s and beyond. The natural series of life states that losing a parent will become more commonplace as we, ourselves, continue to age, and I am beginning to see it among my circle of friends. More and more parents passing, and oh, my heart. My whole heart aches and fills with pain for my friends, having experienced this myself three years ago.  It’s going to hurt. It’s going to hurt more than you could expect. The leader of your pack, the glue, the one you turn to when you...

Keep Reading

Your Brother Is With Jesus Now

In: Faith, Grief, Loss
Brother and sister in yellow outfits smiling on park bench

“Thao is with Jesus now,” we told her, barely choking out the whisper. Jesus. This invisible being we sing about. Jesus. The baby in the manger? Jesus. How can we explain Jesus and death and loss and grief to a 3-year-old? And now, how can we not? We live it, breathe it, and dwell in loss since the death of her brother, our son, Thao. Here we are living a life we never wanted or dreamed of. Here we are navigating loss and death in a way our Creator never intended. What words can I use to describe death to...

Keep Reading

Don’t Delete the Picture You Think You Look Bad In

In: Grief, Living, Loss
Woman holding phone with picture of her and daughter, color photo

Don’t delete the picture—the one you look bad in. I said it. You heard me. Don’t delete the picture, that picture—you know the one, the one with the double chin or the bad angle. The picture that is not so flattering. The picture that accentuates your forehead lines or the one taken next to your skinny best friend. We are all so hard on ourselves. Many of us are striving for a better complexion or a thinner physique. Sometimes scrutinizing ourselves and zooming in on a picture—seeing things the world does not see. Don’t delete the picture. RELATED: Take the...

Keep Reading

Things that Hurt and Things that Help after Someone You Love Has a Miscarriage

In: Grief, Loss, Motherhood
young woman with arms crossed across stomach

I am sadly no stranger to pregnancy loss. Out of seven pregnancies, I have been blessed with one beautiful boy on earth, one miracle currently growing inside of me, and five precious angels in Heaven. As a result, I have plenty of experience in dealing with the aftermath of miscarriage. During this period of intense grief and loss, I have had many well-meaning people tell me things they believed would make me feel better, but in reality, caused me pain. Additionally, I have had close friends pull away during this period of time, and later tell me it was because...

Keep Reading

Even When You Can’t Find Joy, Jesus Is There

In: Faith, Grief, Loss
Sad woman through pane of rain covered glass

The international church service was vibrant with voices lifted up in songs of praise. Many clapped their hands and some even danced before God. But I wanted to be invisible. Joy felt like a land depicted in a fairy tale. I had returned from the hospital the day before—a surgery to remove the baby who had died in my womb. Watching this church buzz with happiness unearthed my fragileness. I slouched in my chair and closed my eyes. Tears trickled down my freckled face. My mind knew God was in control, but my heart ached as yet another thing I...

Keep Reading

He Mends Our Broken Hearts

In: Faith, Grief, Loss
Praying hands of woman with bracelets

Rays of soft sunlight streamed through the curtain onto the hospital bed. I stepped to the edge of the bed, taking a moment to soak in his face before gently holding his hand. Eighty-nine years is a rich, full life, and each passing day revealed more convincingly it was time for him to go. Grief and relief shared the space in my heart as I carried the weight of understanding each visit held the opportunity to be my last.  When he felt my hand, his eyes opened, and he gifted me a smile. Pop Pop always had a smile for...

Keep Reading

This Is As Close to Heaven As I Can Get

In: Grief, Loss
Sunrise over the ocean, color photo

I have sat here a million times over my life—on good days, on bad days, with friends, with family. I have celebrated my highest points and cried here at my lowest. I am drawn here, pulled in a way. When I have not been here in some time, the sea calls my soul home. My soul is at peace here. It has always been. Maybe it is the tranquility of the waves, or the sun shining on my face. Maybe it is the solitude I find here. I love her (the sea) in all seasons, when she is calm, when...

Keep Reading

10 Things Bereaved Parents Want You to Know about Child Loss

In: Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Sad couple hug in hallway

My first baby died. After a perfect full-term pregnancy, she was stillborn. That was 10 years ago. Ten years I’ve spent wondering who she would have been. Ten years I’ve spent missing someone I hoped to know but never got the chance to. In those ten years, I’ve learned so much about grief, love, and life.  Grief is love. When they laid my stillborn daughter’s cold and lifeless body in my arms, my world was broken into before this nightmare began and after, where I was forever cursed to live with it. I thought I would never be the same...

Keep Reading