I'm Learning To Feel Like I Belong In a Room Because I Want Her To Know She Always Does

I’m Learning To Feel Like I Belong In a Room Because I Want Her To Know She Always Does

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Ashley Testa

It took me 39 years to like myself. I mean really, honestly look in the mirror and say, “You go, girl.”

I understand the concept of progress, not perfection, but the idea of always working on myself became a tiring and unrelenting objective.

Here I was shrinking that waist, smoothing my skin, studying hard, working way too late, and often burning the candle at both ends to yield results that were still less than the ideal. It’s all well and good to be a doer who sets reasonable and sometimes unreasonable goals, but throughout my teens and into my early thirties, I was endlessly unsatisfied with the ultimate picture of myself. I could be better.

The dismorphic picture of who I was and what I appeared to be was compounded by generations of women who were my examples. They were and are still working hard to be something better. My friends began every conversation announcing their areas to improve and graciously rejecting compliments, as we were taught.

Even at my thinnest at the height of my career, I felt less than. The ingrained self-loathing perpetuated on social media and in life drives women. I was no different than the norm.

And then my daughter was born. She truly is the most beautiful of creatures inside and out. Standing before this little human, I promised she would never question that fact. Believe me, sometimes I give a side eye to that extra roll on my stomach, or I take a deep breath when my jeans feel extra tight. Sometimes it hurts when another mom is picked over me to be the homeroom parent, I get passed over for a leadership role, or I’m left off the group chat.

I still want to be the best me, but I’m seeing myself clearly for the first time. This body made three beautiful kids. This mind helped me earn three degrees and remember to buy toilet paper at the grocery store yesterday. My heart and wit forged a funny and honest marriage and friendships that are true.

Kids learn by what you do, not what you say. They embody who you are, not who you tell them to be. So I’d better start liking myself so my daughter learns to like herself too.

I’m learning to say thank you when I receive a compliment. I’m learning to appreciate a messy bun. I’m learning to feel like I belong in a room. I’m learning to like myself cause I really like who I made. And I hope she always looks at her reflection and thinks, You go girl!