I have been thinking a lot lately about writing about our infertility journey. Sometimes I struggle to do it. The parts that I have been sharing are lining up exactly with the time frame when everything happened five years ago. A very dark time in my life that was full of sadness and disappointment. I am a very real person and I usually never hold back my emotions. I want my writings to reflect the real, raw emotion surrounding infertility. Most of the time when I write, it brings back a flood of emotions and ends with me crying and worrying about if I am doing the right thing by sharing it or not. Infertility can be a very lonely experience and it is my hope and my wish that my writings let somebody out there going through it know that I get it.
I truly get that infertility is a different kind of heartbreak.
I was terribly sad after our second try with In Vitro didn’t work. There aren’t enough words to describe the level of my disappointment because I did not think it would end without a pregnancy. I felt jipped, mad, angry, heartbroken, and oddly determined. I knew that we had embryos left that were frozen and medicine left for several more attempts. Somehow I was ready to get back in the saddle and do it again. Jeff was OK with that too. I don’t honestly know if either of us was thinking clearly, but it just seemed like the logical thing to do-keep trying. Never give up on your dreams. Push through the tough times.
A few phone calls and appointments later and we were starting our third round of IVF. Now this is the part of the story that I have debated on whether or not to share so I will keep it brief because I can’t even hardly think about it because it’s too painful. During this time frame I was working as a pediatric nurse. I was sitting in the Wal-Mart parking lot over my lunch hour when the doctor that I was working for at the time called me and asked me if I had a minute to talk. I was worried that I was going to be in trouble or something but that wasn’t the case at all. She started to tell me about a young girl who she knew of that wanted to give her one month old baby up for adoption. They had talked about this decision she wanted to make and she shared with this girl my story and told her that she knew the perfect family for her daughter. The girl was interested in us and wanted to know if we would be, too. She wanted to meet with us as quickly as possible to get the ball rolling.
Through tears I called Jeff and told him all about this. We immediately said yes we would meet her and if she was comfortable we would do it. We met with her and all agreed to start the process. We got a lawyer and I cancelled all of our in vitro appointments with the explanation that our plans had drastically changed and we were going to adopt. We were so excited and nervous! It seemed like an answered prayer. Until two weeks later I found out that she had changed her mind.
It was the worst kick in the gut I have ever felt. Time has healed my anger and disappointment some, but not completely. I will never understand how or why any of that experience happened when it did. The decision to give a baby up for adoption is not an easy one and not one to be taken lightly. I’ve had to just believe that she did what she thought she needed to do or not do at that time in her life as the best thing for her and her daughter. It’s a part of our story that I can’t get stuck on because the hurt is too much.
Instead of stopping and trying to sort some of this out, we decided to go back to the original plan of IVF for the third time and that is what we did. I was on a mission and I wasn’t going to let anything stop me in getting pregnant and having another child. It was the fall of 2010 right before Thanksgiving when we went down to Omaha for our third round. I’m just going to get right to it and tell you it didn’t work. I didn’t get pregnant, and I was a completely numb, worn out, and broken mess. It was a different kind of heartbreak.