Gifts for Dad ➔

Dear Self-Esteem,

I know. I hear your soul crying. You’re only 46 and owning a pair of pee-proof underwear is outrageous and humiliating. But try not to let the gravity of this day weigh you down. God knows most of your physical self has already lost the invisible force war. Don’t let your ego bite the same dust.

Bladders are flighty organs. You’ll be hard-pressed to find loyalty in their relational DNA. We hear so much these days about irritable bowels. But forget all the fame IBS gets. You and I both know the bladder is a petulant child in need of serious scolding.

Here’s the thing. You pee your pants. So what? LOTS of women do, but most don’t have the chutzpa to talk about their problem. For crying out loud, do you think a company would make a $30 pair of pee-proof undies if a market didn’t exist?

Heck to the no!

Oh, a market does exist, Esteem. And it’s a big one. You belong to a silent majority and it’s about time someone leaked the truth.

Listen, I get it. The struggle is real. The affliction drips with irony, in fact.

The story begins with having beautiful children whom we love with every fiber of our being. They curate within our sacred womb for nine months, pressing and prodding every organ within the general vicinity of our uterus, i.e. every single organ. Our bladder feels the biggest pinch.

Over time our mom bodies begin to falter one part at a time, sometimes entire sections malfunction overnight. For some of us, once 40ish hits, our plumbing goes to Hades due to diminishing bladder skills from housing and delivering our kin.

These are the same kin who willfully abstain from using the porcelain God during potty training season. Our children don’t want or like to use the bathroom because diapers allow playing to continue through peeing. The joy and freedom of all-day dryness is foreign to toddlers.

Meanwhile, as adults, we want nothing more than to expel in a toilet, but instead succumb to piss-anting in our pants against our will.

Forget the paradox. We’re talking about flea flipping karma here.

Don’t you get it, Esteem? You’re being punished for your blatant lack of patience during your kid’s potty development! Remember the unrealistic expectations you had for your toddlers back in the day, the anger and frustration? Well, who’s crying now?

Esteem, I know you are feeling low and broken today. Your sadness is understandable, but don’t prolapse from your confident place in the world. In an attempt to ease your misery, I’ve come up with a pros and cons list of owning pee proof panties.

Absorb the positives as best you can and try not to let the negatives dampen your spirit.

PROS of owning pee-proof panties

1 | You now own conceivably the most expensive pair of underwear ever made. Props to you for having an extra $60 in your budget for undergarments. Holla!

2 | Considering the absorption guarantee, you will recoup your initial investment in eight-and-a-half months. Because an 80 pack of rapid-dry Always costs about $7. Two to three liners a day times 30 days in a month is just about one package, give or take leaks. So, your $60 investment divided by $7/Always box gets you to eight-and-a-half. Consider the turn an A+ commodity exchange.

3 | The trauma of going out wearing a panty liner only to realize you forgot to bring extras will no longer haunt your soul.

(Remember the time you were at your friend’s 50th celebration and your “only liner” reached full capacity so you had to throw it out? And remember how you then tried to refrain from significant movements, well, except for all the wine you kept pouring into your mouth? And then remember how you and several other friends decided to scare other members of your friend group by running through their yards in the dark and sneaking up to their windows? Do you remember how running through the yard “liner free,” laughing no less, caused you to have that really bad accident? And how you had to make the walk of shame wearing pee-drenched clothes from your friend’s door to her bathroom – the same friend you rudely tried to frighten – and then wait inside for her to bring you dry underwear and pants from her closet? Honestly, Esteem. I can’t even. You only have yourself to blame.)

4 | You will once again be able to bust out your stellar dance moves at the club. No more simple side-to-side step moves with meek finger snapping to the beat. Now we’re talking full-blown twerking, Shakira style. Oh, wait. Nevermind. You’re too old for shakin’ it and clubbing anyway.
Sorry. Sorry. I keep forgetting I’m not really supposed to speak the truth in love in this letter. Eek.

5 | You will lessen your risk of having an aneurysm every time you attempt to refrain from sneezing. Too many close calls for comfort!

6 | Your love/hate relationship with Ms. Always is over. Move over twisted sister. And weep while you’re at it.

7 | And the best pro of all – laughing is fair game. Loud, cackling, belly laughs are back in business. You don’t even have to cross your legs in fear anymore. Because we all know how awkward and obvious it looks when you try to cross your legs while stand-laughing. Ridiculous.

CONS of owning pee-proof panties

1 | We don’t yet know for sure whether the $30 wonder undies work. And we also have no practical case studies on what happens if Victoria’s real secret malfunctions. Therefore, a due amount of stress will continue during the first trials. Wine wisely.

2 | Owning a pair of $30 pee-proof underwear is surefire proof you have an incontinence problem. But remember what your high school “friend” just messaged you on Facebook, “The first part of recovery is acceptance.”

3 | If the undies do the trick, you might become a spokesperson for Icon Undies. The unfortunate sidebar of notoriety is the circle of people privy to your peeing will widen. But fret not because if you sign up for the newsletter you earn VIPee status. Check their website. Truth.

When it’s all said and done, your control issue is either a bladder-half-full or bladder-half-empty struggle.

DEPENDS on how you look at it…

Chin up, Self.

Love,
Yours in Yellow

This article originally appeared on Parent.co

Shelby Spear

A self-described sappy soul whisperer, sarcasm aficionado, and love enthusiast, Shelby is a mom of 3 Millennials writing about motherhood and life from her empty nest. She is the co-author of the book, How Are You Feeling, Momma? (You don't need to say, "I'm fine.") , and you can find her stories in print at Guideposts, around the web at sites like Her View From Home, For Every Mom, Parenting Teens & Tweens and on her blog shelbyspear.com.

Welcome to Periods in Your 30s and 40s

In: Health, Humor
Welcome to Periods in Your 30s and 40s www.herviewfromhome.com

Do you remember that day in the fifth grade when the boys and girls were separated for the “Sexuality and Development” talk? Some nice old lady health teacher came into your room and gave you some straight talk about how the next few years were going to go for you. It was awkward and shocking and you knew your childhood would never be the same. When you hit your mid-thirties, there should be some kind of Part Two to that conversation. All the ladies need to be rounded up, lead into a dimly lit classroom that smells vaguely of pencil...

Keep Reading

How to Stay Married For (at Least) 10 Years

In: Humor, Relationships
How to Stay Married For (at Least) 10 years www.herviewfromhome.com

In July, my husband and I celebrated our 10-year wedding anniversary. We got married back in 2008 following my college graduation. I was only 22 at the time and him? Well, he was all good-looking at the prime age of 30. There were may vocal skeptics who chimed in, unasked of course, to share with us their belief that we would “never last” and that it would “never work”. To them, I say, “You were wrong! Na-na, na-na, boo-boo!” Just kidding, of course; I don’t talk like that. I am a respectable mother, not a four-year-old child and thank goodness...

Keep Reading

How to Put Your Children to Bed in 46 Easy Steps

In: Humor, Kids
How to Put Your Children to Bed in 46 Easy Steps www.herviewfromhome.com

It was time. It had to happen. We’d had a good run at pouring our children into bed at 11:30 p.m., sweaty, sticky, and exhausted from their head to their toes.  But bedtime had to get back to its (somewhat) regularly scheduled program.  When we had one kid, bedtime was a breeze.  Each night, we had a 10 step process. And the steps were simple. And very, very routine. 1. Toys away at 7:10 p.m. 2. Up the stairs at 7:15 p.m. 3. Change into pajamas 4. Brush teeth 5. Read two books 6. Say prayers 7. Light off 8....

Keep Reading

Welcome to the Dreaded Man Cold Season

In: Health, Humor
Welcome to the Dreaded Man Cold Season www.herviewfromhome.com

Your husband has a mere headache, but he automatically now believes that he is going to be a chronic sufferer of cluster migraines. Or, maybe he got a small splinter, but he now believes that he is, without probability, going to end up with a staph infection. And, well, that cough of his (cough, cough) is going to have him laid up in bed for the next two days because he is just feeling so terrible. Sound familiar? It is all too familiar to me. What am I talking about? How men are babies when they get sick. Yes, I said it. I...

Keep Reading

Wanted: Imperfect Friends

In: Humor, Relationships
Wanted: Imperfect Friends www.herviewfromhome.com

Is anyone else as sick of the facade as I am?  Because on social media, everyone seems to have their crap together. But I sure don’t.  Scrolling through my feeds leaves me feeling inadequate and lonely, desperately lonely.  I know social media is only the high points. I know there is always more going on behind the scenes that I don’t know about. But at the end of the day, I just feel like there’s no one who would want to be friends with little, imperfect, insignificant, me.  So, I’m placing an ad.  Wanted: Imperfect Friends A kind, but quirky,...

Keep Reading

51 Reasons a Mom Might Be Late

In: Humor, Motherhood
51 Reasons a Mom Might Be Late www.herviewfromhome.com

I’ve got a question for all you moms out there: Have you ever been late? Yeah, me neither. Just kidding! We’ve all been there. We have an appointment, a meeting, an event, or just a playdate, and we want to be on time. In fact, it often looks and feels like we’re going to be on time. We’ve planned ahead. We have everything in order, and we are ready to head out the door. But then, without fail, the inevitable happens. Actually, it seems that a good number of inevitables happen. And we’re running late, again. Being on time is...

Keep Reading

5 Ways Boy Moms Always Ruin Our Fun

In: Humor, Kids
5 Ways Boy Moms Always Ruin Our Fun www.herviewfromhome.com

We know Mom loves us, don’t worry about that . . . but sometimes it seems like she’s just making up a whole pile of rules to ruin our fun. For instance, we’ll be in the middle of a huge independent project and she’ll come along, usually shriek, and be like, “You can’t use water guns to fill up the bathtub! And why are you shooting water into the toilet? Ewwwwww.” And just like that, we have to pack it all up and return to a clean orderly activity. A controlled activity. A zero fun activity. We’re not even sure...

Keep Reading

Should Grandparents Get Paid to Babysit?

In: Humor, Journal
Should Grandparents Get Paid to Babysit? www.herviewfromhome.com

While swaying in side-by-side hammocks, my daughter paid me the ultimate compliment: “It gives me enormous peace of mind while I’m working, to know you’re watching my son and that he’s in the most capable hands.” Then 10 seconds later while I was still orbiting in happy mode, she insulted me by offering to PAY me for this glorious privilege. We engaged in a little tit for tat tug of war with no clear winner. And the debate rages on, at least in our household. How about yours? To pay or not to pay the loving grandparents who bless us...

Keep Reading

Kids Today Will Never Know the Joy of a 90s Summer

In: Humor

So you want a good old fashioned 90s summer, huh? I don’t blame you. The 90s rocked! (Literally, thanks to Kurt Cobain and Eddie Vedder.) I’m not going to lie—I take slight offense to the use of “old fashioned” and “90s” in the same sentence, as I’m pretty sure the 90s were like 10 years ago, but I’ll still help you out. If you’re really doing this though, you’ll need to ditch some of your modern conveniences, like your phone. I know, I know, but it’s a requirement. You may bring a beeper or clunky flip-phone, but no internet allowed...

Keep Reading

Dear Kids, This Is Not An Uber

In: Humor, Kids
Dear Kids, This Is Not An Uber www.herviewfromhome.com

Paid automotive transportation is pretty simple. You hop in the backseat of a cab, share the address where you are going and aren’t required to speak any longer until you arrive at your destination and pay the driver. The same primary rules apply to taking an Uber or Lyft.  The unwritten rules have been in place for some time. Your trade-off for taking paid transportation is a ride in the backseat, where you don’t have control over the music, the temperature of the car, the route the driver takes or how fast the trip takes, not even the amount of...

Keep Reading

 5 Secrets to Connect with Your Kids

FREE EMAIL BONUS

Proven techniques to build REAL connections