Trigger warning: This post discusses suicidal ideation
The first time, I was 26 years old.
The thoughts began as a mere whisper at the back of my mind: What if I don’t wake up tomorrow? What if all the negative ruminations and anxiety and inadequacy swirling through my mind simply cease to exist? What if this pain inside my very being were to go away forever?Â
Of course, I pushed away the thoughts and told myself I was selfish and ridiculous and needed to get it together. But the seed was planted.
For the first time in so very long, I had a feeling of hope—hope that there may be light at the end of the tunnel, even though that tunnel was leading toward a path of total darkness. From that moment, the thoughts became more present and persistent until I realized I had a very real desire to die, as it seemed a preferable alternative to the life I was currently living.
Suicide is one of the leading causes of death in the United States, yet it is rarely spoken about until after the fact. We gasp and gossip when we learn of a celebrity who has died by suicide, and we offer condolences to our friends and family if they happen to share about personal losses. But do we ask the hard questions when we know people are hurting?
I recently listened to a TED Talk where Pooky Knightsmith shares her journey with suicide and implores people to be the hope for someone else. “Every minute somebody, somewhere in the world dies by suicide. But up until the moment of death, there is hope,” she says.
Even as someone who has been actively suicidal, I recognize saying to someone the words, “Have you thought about killing yourself?” is not an easy task. However, as Glennon Doyle would say, “We can do hard things!” And this is literally a matter of life and death.
Having a conversation with a friend or family member or colleague and saying those words may be the most uncomfortable thing you have ever done. But what if asking that question allows that person to respond, “Yes. Yes I have. But I haven’t told anyone because I’m scared and ashamed and I don’t know what to do.”
You may not have all the answers and that is okay. But you can let your loved one know you see them. And while you’re at it, let them know they are not selfish or ridiculous though they probably feel like they need to get it together because they have a million things going on. You can listen. Mostly, we all want someone to listen to us.
When I was in the depths of my darkest days, I easily replied “Fine!” to the standard question, “How are you?” But I was so far from fine, I don’t know that I could have found it on a map. I survived my first struggles with suicidality by deciding to leave medical school, one of the most difficult decisions of my entire life.
Years later, I was in another battle with depression and anxiety and felt those familiar thoughts creep in again. But this time, someone did ask. I was at dinner with a friend, who is a therapist, and her training helped her to ask the hard questions. “Do you feel safe? Are you hurting yourself? Have you thought about killing yourself?” She helped me get treatment and was the lifeline to provide the hope I so desperately needed.
But she had to say the words first.
May is Mental Health Awareness Month, and suicide and suicidal ideation are often misunderstood or cast in a negative light. Dr. David Jobes is an expert suicidologist who suggests it is actually quite logical for individuals experiencing intense psychological pain to want to escape these feelings. The goal then is for loved ones to endeavor to be empathetic of that wish, and for clinicians to help find a way to meet those legitimate needs of escape that don’t involve the death of oneself.
If we can put ourselves in the shoes of someone who wishes to die, might we want to extend more grace, more love, more understanding? And might we be willing to ask those hard questions? Empathy is that beautiful idea of imagining what someone else might be feeling and seeing things from their point of view—even when it comes to suicide. Or perhaps, especially when it comes to suicide.
If you or someone you know is struggling or in crisis, help is available 24/7 by calling or texting 988 or visiting 988lifeline.org.
by Tiffany Wicks 
by Bailey Koch 
by Tammi Landry-Gilder 
