So God Made a Mother Collection ➔

I was over six weeks pregnant when I noticed the pink stain in my underwear.

Pink.

Not red or rust. Pink.

I tried not to think about it too much. It was my first pregnancy after all, and I didn’t want to be one of those paranoid first-timers. So I went shopping with my mom as previously arranged, and tried hard not to think about it.

But the next morning the blood was bright red, and I thought I was going to die from the cramps. I’d never felt anything like it in my life. My mom took me to the doctor where I couldn’t control my tears as I waited with my eyes glued to all the swollen pregnant bellies.

Why are you here?   The nurse snapped at me.

I think I’m having a . . . Surely she wasn’t going to make me say the word. A . . . miscarriage.

The doctor didn’t even see me. She just ordered blood tests to see if my hCG was leveling out to zero. It did.

I lay on my couch for three days crying. We had already been trying for six months. I had already taken two rounds of the fertility drug Clomid. It seemed so easy for everyone else, and I believed it would be easy for me.

So why wasn’t it?

For nine more months we tried. Nine more months of negative pregnancy tests. I withdrew further and further away from my friends and social circles.

One evening, I had a panic attack over going to a function at my husband’s former high school because I knew we would be seated at a table with a woman who had the same due date as I would have had.

I had no one to talk to. I felt broken and defective. What seemed the simplest thing in the world was eluding me, and I didn’t know why.

On the same day that I visited my best friend and her beautiful newborn daughter in the hospital, my husband and I had our first appointment with the fertility doctor. Five months later, I was pregnant with our twins.

Eleven months after they were born, through an “accidental-on-purpose-experiment,” I got pregnant with our third child.

I wasn’t broken after all! I could do it the old-fashioned way!

When that baby was a year old, I got pregnant again. I saw the little bean sprout and the heartbeat, and was ecstatic that all of my children would be so close in age.

At nearly twelve weeks, I started spotting again. And one morning I felt it: I felt the fetus leave my body. I stared at it for two days in my toilet, not wanting to flush it, but too scared to retrieve it and take it to the doctor.

I felt as if it would betray me. ‘See, she IS defective. She shouldn’t be allowed to have more babies. She took the first two, and the third was a fluke. Look at what she did to me. She shouldn’t have any more babies.’

But the thing was that I desperately wanted more. My dreams of having a big family were being flushed down the toilet (by my husband under my orders) as I sat crying over the noise of the washing machine. Maybe my first three babies were flukes, and this was it.

But I went on to have another healthy baby boy.

Then my oldest son was diagnosed with terminal cancer, and any dreams of having more children were terminated as well.

Midway through Joey’s illness, I learned I was pregnant again. My first thought was, ‘God, no, please.’ What if I had the baby right when Joey was at his most gravely ill? How would I care for a newborn and a dying child at the same time?

A trip to the doctor revealed . . . nothing. She found no heartbeat, not even a tiny little bean sprout. I would have thought the pregnancy test was wrong had I not experienced heavier bleeding than normal. This time, I was relived; though, there was still that nagging feeling that I am somehow defective.

That was why, three months after Joey died and I became pregnant again, I prayed for a miscarriage.

I actually wanted to lose the baby. I felt certain there would be something wrong with it, and I wasn’t emotionally strong enough to handle it.

But, again, I had a perfect, beautiful son, my fifth.

My journey to motherhood has taken me from hope and excitement to pain and sadness. From fear and shame to joy and satisfaction. I don’t necessarily consider myself a mother of eight; although, I still think a lot about that first baby I lost. She (I know it would have been a she) would have changed everything. I would never have had my twins, and we never would have been through cancer.

I think about every experience with my fertility a lot, but I don’t consider myself broken anymore. I consider myself a mother.

Mothers Day 2013

[adrotate banner=”81″]

[adrotate banner=”82″]

Kathy Glow

Kathy Glow is a wife and mom to four lively boys and one beautiful angel in Heaven, lost to cancer. Most days you can find her under a pile of laundry ordering take-out. When she is not driving all over town in her mini-van or wiping “boy stuff” off the walls, she is writing about what life is REALLY like after all your dreams come true. Her writing has been featured on sites such as Huffington Post, Scary Mommy, Good Housekeeping, and Mamalode; but Her View From Home is her favorite place to be. Her blog is at www.lifewiththefrog.com. You can follow her on Facebook at Kissing the Frog.

My Baby Was Stillborn, But Still Born

In: Child Loss, Grief
My Baby Was Stillborn, But Still Born www.herviewfromhome.com

My baby was stillborn, but still born. In a cool white hospital room where so many had been born before. My body trembled and shook as his body worked its way out of my womb and into the hands of a doctor. He was void of breath, of sound, of movement, but he was still born. My baby was stillborn, but still lived. In the darkness of my womb. The outline of his body was visible against the darkness of the screen, his presence undeniable. The sound of his heartbeat drowned out the sound of mine as I watched his...

Keep Reading

I Am Not My Child’s Death

In: Cancer, Child Loss, Faith, Grief
I Am Not My Child's Death www.herviewfromhome.com

We are NOT what has happened to us or what this world says we are. That is not what defines us. While we are grieving parents, that is not what our whole story has to be about. Although, at times, we feel that our story is over. We ask, how do we go on and live full lives without our sweet Sophie with us? I’m still not 100 percent sure I know the answer to that. BUT the Lord says I am beloved. I am redeemed and accepted. I am holy and chosen. I am righteous and complete. I am...

Keep Reading

The Hardest Moments After Losing a Child

In: Child Loss, Grief, Motherhood
The Hardest Moments After Losing a Child www.herviewfromhome.com

Within the first three months following the death of my newborn daughter, I participated in one baby shower, attended two first birthday parties, had multiple infants in and around my home, and watched not one, not two, but five of my closest friends take happy, healthy babies home from the hospital. And in the midst of my own life-altering experience, I purchased, wrapped, and mailed a gift to every one of those new babies, because they deserved one. In the days and months after my daughter died, I didn’t run away or hide from babies at all. And this seemed...

Keep Reading

6 Commitments I Made to Myself After Child Loss

In: Child Loss, Grief, Kids, Motherhood
6 Commitments I Made to Myself After Child Loss www.herviewfromhome.com

Following the death of our infant daughter, I found myself facing an opportunity to activate the immense power of personal choice. Time and time again. Hour after hour, day after day. It felt as if every moment that passed provided me with a choice: to let the grief consume me, or not. In the midst of the most emotionally complex experience of my life, my ability to survive felt as simple as that. Will grief consume me, or not? Once I began believing that Olivia had lived out her life’s plan completely—that she had come, she had loved, she had...

Keep Reading

To the Moms and Dads Who Suffer Loss: You Are Not Alone

In: Child Loss, Grief, Infertility, Motherhood
To the Moms and Dads Who Suffer Loss: You Are Not Alone www.herviewfromhome.com

You are walking the hardest path anyone will ever walk—living this life without your children. Your losses have come in many shapes and sizes. You’ve lost tiny heartbeats early in the womb. You’ve screamed and sobbed through labor to deliver a silent but perfect little bundle. You’ve held a fragile infant for hours, days, weeks, or months, only to give him back to Heaven. You’ve watched your little one grow into a curious toddler and then held her a final time as disease or an accident took her away. You’ve lived a full childhood with your baby and even watched...

Keep Reading

A Letter to My Mama, From Your Baby in Heaven

In: Child Loss, Faith, Grief, Miscarriage
A Letter to My Mama, From Your Baby in Heaven www.herviewfromhome.com

Dear Mama, I know you miss me and wish you could watch me grow up. But instead, you sit in that rocking chair, tears streaming down your face, arms wrapped around the blanket that was supposed to be mine. I see you crying, Mama, wishing you could hold me. Wishing you could look into my eyes. Wishing you could hear me cry or call you “Mama”. I want you to know Jesus rocks me to sleep every night and while He does it, He tells me all about you. I know tulips are your favorite flower and that every spring...

Keep Reading

God Actually Does Give Us More Than We Can Handle

In: Child Loss, Faith, Grief
God Actually Does Give Us More Than We Can Handle www.herviewfromhome.com

I used to be someone who said, “God doesn’t give you more than you can handle.” That was before I had faced any hardships in my life. I didn’t know who God truly is. When people are going through something hard and decide to share it, it makes people uncomfortable. It’s hard to watch others who are hurting, and it’s hard not knowing how to help when it’s someone you love. “God doesn’t give us more than we can handle” is a very well-meaning encouragement that I know is meant in love. I’ve said it before! But it’s not really...

Keep Reading

Why I Got a Tattoo With My Teenage Daughters

In: Child Loss, Grown Children, Motherhood, Teen
Why I Got a Tattoo With My Teenage Daughters www.herviewfromhome.com

“We should get a tattoo, Mom.” I laughed. I knew it was just my younger daughter, Sarah’s way of getting herself a tattoo—to go along with her nose ring, and six ear piercings. She didn’t really want me to get one. Did she? “Truth!” My oldest, more conservative daughter, Elle, chimed in. “We should all go.” What? Home from college just five minutes, maybe she was bored. I heard tattoos really hurt and she hates pain, like I do. I glared at my two daughters, now 17 and 19. They can read my mind. I knew it! There was something...

Keep Reading

I’m Not Sure How Long I’ll Need an Antidepressant to Feel Normal…and That’s OK

In: Cancer, Child Loss, Grief, Mental Health
I'm Not Sure How Long I'll Need an Antidepressant to Feel Normal...and That's OK www.herviewfromhome.com

I tried to wean off of Zoloft and couldn’t. And that’s OK. I had never really been aware of the world of antidepressants. My life has been relatively uneventful—with the normal ups and downs that most of us go through. I knew people on medication for depression but never understood. How can you be THAT sad that you can’t just be positive and make the best of your circumstances? How can someone be THAT unhappy ALL the time to need medication? I didn’t get it. I felt bad for people going through it. Then my 2-year-old was diagnosed with Stage...

Keep Reading

To the Young Warriors Fighting Cancer, You Are Superheroes

In: Cancer, Child, Child Loss, Health
To the Young Warriors Fighting Cancer, You Are Superheroes www.herviewfromhome.com

Most people never get to meet their heroes. I have, in fact—I have met many heroes. These heroes didn’t set out for greatness; they fell victim to a terrible disease and faced it with courage, might and bravery like I have never seen before. And when we talk about this type of battle, there is no such thing as losing. whether the battle ended in death, life, or debility, each of these heroes defeated. My heroes are the innocent children who battle cancer. I high-fived, hugged, wept over, laughed and played with my heroes for 10 years as a nurse. And you better believe I...

Keep Reading

5 Secrets to the

BEST Summer Ever!

FREE EMAIL BONUS

Creating simple summer memories

with your kids that will  last a lifetime