Swoosh swoosh swoosh swoosh swoosh.

That’s what your heartbeat sounded like the first time I ever heard it. I looked at your daddy with tears in my eyes; you were so tiny but so strong already.

As you grew so did I. I was sick, tired, moody, and ultimately miserable for you all before I even met you. The day you were born was one of the most exciting days of my life; you were the most perfect thing I had ever laid eyes on. You were absolutely stunning, with piercing gray eyes and the most adorable tiny lips. The love for you that filled me was so overwhelming I sat up for hours that night and cried.

You were my first baby and you were everything I had ever hoped for and more.

All too quickly, you grew from my tiny newborn to my already wildly spirited little boy. Before I knew it, you had become this beautiful person, my beautiful little person. You were walking and talking before I felt I even had a chance to catch my breath, and every time I feel like I’m about to, you take it away again. You have a way of terrifying me and amazing me all at the same time, like the first time you decided to “fly” off of the couch and busted your lip. You cried, and I cried with you. I still hold my breath every time you decide to go for that jump, or climb a little too high.

You were my first, and we continue to experience all of your firsts together.

I’ll never forget the first time you smiled at me, said “mama” and then said “I love you”. Now that you’re two, you’re learning so many new things all the time. It seems every day I come home from work you’ve made a new discovery, and each one busts my heart wide open. Every time you smile at me I still melt, and every time I hear you call for me, my heart smiles. Every time you give me a kiss, or ask for a hug, or tell me you love me, it makes me just as happy as the very first time. Every new thing you learn, I am just as proud of you as I was when you first rolled over or held your bottle.

You were my first, and your firsts were also mine.

Six months ago, we brought your baby brother home. This was a huge first for both of us. The nights I spent in the hospital with him were the first I didn’t spend with you, and your confusion and upset hurt me in a way I’ve never hurt before. I was falling in love with your baby brother the same way I fell in love with you, while hurting at the same time for the loss of the days with just you. I was so worried about how you were feeling, what you were thinking, how things were changing for us. The first few weeks at home with both of you were so hard; there were so many tears between us all and so much frustration on every end.

You were my first, and now we have a second. I love you both so much, and love watching you form a relationship with your brother even more.

There have been plenty of hiccups since you, my first, have left your days of being my only behind. There have been tears and arguments and early bedtimes when you couldn’t be nice. Thankfully, there have been more laughs and kisses and cuddles. Watching you love your brother is the most wonderful thing I have ever been able to witness. You do things on purpose to make him smile; you sit with him when he cries; and hearing you tell him you love him is the sweetest sound I have ever heard. I was so worried about you, my first boy, my baby, when the time was nearing to bring him home. I see now I didn’t need to, because you know that no matter how many babies mama brings home. . .

You will always be my first.

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Shelbie Farmer

I’m a full time bookkeeper, but my favorite “job” is being mama to my sons. I have a love for all things personalized, early morning cuddles, and way too many sweets. Writing is my favorite way to talk about how much I love motherhood and my hope is that the things I write will resonate with other moms. 

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