Pre-Order So God Made a Mother

Swoosh swoosh swoosh swoosh swoosh.

That’s what your heartbeat sounded like the first time I ever heard it. I looked at your daddy with tears in my eyes; you were so tiny but so strong already.

As you grew so did I. I was sick, tired, moody, and ultimately miserable for you all before I even met you. The day you were born was one of the most exciting days of my life; you were the most perfect thing I had ever laid eyes on. You were absolutely stunning, with piercing gray eyes and the most adorable tiny lips. The love for you that filled me was so overwhelming I sat up for hours that night and cried.

You were my first baby and you were everything I had ever hoped for and more.

All too quickly, you grew from my tiny newborn to my already wildly spirited little boy. Before I knew it, you had become this beautiful person, my beautiful little person. You were walking and talking before I felt I even had a chance to catch my breath, and every time I feel like I’m about to, you take it away again. You have a way of terrifying me and amazing me all at the same time, like the first time you decided to “fly” off of the couch and busted your lip. You cried, and I cried with you. I still hold my breath every time you decide to go for that jump, or climb a little too high.

You were my first, and we continue to experience all of your firsts together.

I’ll never forget the first time you smiled at me, said “mama” and then said “I love you”. Now that you’re two, you’re learning so many new things all the time. It seems every day I come home from work you’ve made a new discovery, and each one busts my heart wide open. Every time you smile at me I still melt, and every time I hear you call for me, my heart smiles. Every time you give me a kiss, or ask for a hug, or tell me you love me, it makes me just as happy as the very first time. Every new thing you learn, I am just as proud of you as I was when you first rolled over or held your bottle.

You were my first, and your firsts were also mine.

Six months ago, we brought your baby brother home. This was a huge first for both of us. The nights I spent in the hospital with him were the first I didn’t spend with you, and your confusion and upset hurt me in a way I’ve never hurt before. I was falling in love with your baby brother the same way I fell in love with you, while hurting at the same time for the loss of the days with just you. I was so worried about how you were feeling, what you were thinking, how things were changing for us. The first few weeks at home with both of you were so hard; there were so many tears between us all and so much frustration on every end.

You were my first, and now we have a second. I love you both so much, and love watching you form a relationship with your brother even more.

There have been plenty of hiccups since you, my first, have left your days of being my only behind. There have been tears and arguments and early bedtimes when you couldn’t be nice. Thankfully, there have been more laughs and kisses and cuddles. Watching you love your brother is the most wonderful thing I have ever been able to witness. You do things on purpose to make him smile; you sit with him when he cries; and hearing you tell him you love him is the sweetest sound I have ever heard. I was so worried about you, my first boy, my baby, when the time was nearing to bring him home. I see now I didn’t need to, because you know that no matter how many babies mama brings home. . .

You will always be my first.

You might also like:

My Heart Was Waiting For A Son

Why Tired Mothers Stay Up So Late

Dear Husband, I Loved You First

Want more stories of love, family, and faith from the heart of every home, delivered straight to you? Sign up here! 

So God Made a Mother book by Leslie Means

If you liked this, you'll love our new book, SO GOD MADE A MOTHER available for pre-order now!

Pre-Order Now

Shelbie Farmer

I’m a full time bookkeeper, but my favorite “job” is being mama to my sons. I have a love for all things personalized, early morning cuddles, and way too many sweets. Writing is my favorite way to talk about how much I love motherhood and my hope is that the things I write will resonate with other moms. 

Yes, We Wanted a Big Family

In: Kids, Motherhood
Big family silhouette

Baby number WHAT?!?! Okay, okay, I know having FIVE children in the modern world is a bit of an anomaly, but the responses we have gotten from sharing our joyful (to us!) news has been a bit over-the-top. You see, my husband and I always dreamt of a big family, verbally expressing four to five children as our ultimate number. After having three, I must say I had to do some convincing to keep going, as my husband felt our hands were pretty full. I do agree our hands were pretty full, but I still felt our hearts could handle...

Keep Reading

How Much Longer Will I Watch Them Play?

In: Kids, Motherhood, Tween
Two boys at indoor playground, color photo

As I sit here watching my two boys running around on the bright-colored foam mats, sliding down the bright red and green slides that end up in a ball pit full of giggles, I can’t help but wonder how much longer I will enjoy this sight. They’re both growing up so fast—T-shirts with their favorite characters have been replaced by plain colors.  Curtains with Paw Patrol now invite an “Eww, cringe!” reaction. Slowly their boy bedroom decor has been updated to reflect the cool gamers they so want to be. RELATED: He’s a Boy For Just a Little While Longer No...

Keep Reading

God Gave Him Bigger Feelings

In: Kids, Motherhood
Little boy on playground, color photo

He came home from school last week and asked, “Why do I get so angry but my friends never do? Why am I not the same?” And it broke me. Because he is passionate and intelligent and kind and intuitive and beautiful. He didn’t always seem different. We never paid attention to how he would line everything up in play. And we would laugh it off as a quirk when he would organize everything dependent upon shape, size, and color. He was stubborn, sure, but so am I. And then COVID happened, and we attributed the lack of social skills...

Keep Reading

We Have a Big Family and Wouldn’t Change a Thing

In: Kids, Motherhood
Four children in front of Christmas tree, color photo

I have just had my fourth baby. A baby who wasn’t expected but very much wanted and very much loved from the moment we found out. When we told people we were expecting, the response was underwhelming. The stream of intrusive questions would then ensue:  You already have your hands full, how will you cope with four? You’ll need a bigger car! Where will they all sleep? Don’t you own a TV? You know how babies are made right? People seemed to have such a strong opinion about me having a fourth child. RELATED: We Had a Lot of Kids...

Keep Reading

As a Mom I’m Far From Perfect, But I Hope You Remember the Joy

In: Kids, Motherhood
Happy mother and daughter on the beach

Sometimes, I think about the future when you are grown and I am gone. When all that’s left of me are photographs and memories. I know what the photographs will show. I took most of them, after all. But the memories I’m less sure of. I wonder what will stick with you after all that time. How will you remember me? One day, your grandkids will ask you about me. What will you say? Will you tell them I was always distracted? Will you remember that I looked at my phone too much? Will you tell them I didn’t play...

Keep Reading

Being a Daycare Mom Can Be So Hard

In: Kids, Living, Motherhood
Woman holding boy on couch, black-and-white photo

Dear daycare mom,  I know it’s hard.  To get yourself up before them, to make lunches, to pack the bags, to get yourself ready.  To go into their rooms, where they are peacefully sleeping, and turn the lights on.  To struggle to get them breakfast, get them dressed, and get them out the door.  I know it’s hard.  To have a morning rush when all you want to do is snuggle up on the couch and ease into your day.  RELATED: When a Mom is Late To Work To feel like you are missing out on their childhood at times...

Keep Reading

The PB&J that Saved the Day

In: Kids, Motherhood
Table with three plates of PB&J sandwiches, color photo

It was one of those days.  One of those days when your pants are too tight, you wake up with a headache, and the kids’ rooms are disasters at 8 a.m. It was one of those days when I had to physically go into Target for our groceries since I didn’t have time to wait for pickup—I think that alone should sum up exactly the kind of day it was.  The kids were hangry. The toddler was, well, toddler-y. RELATED: Toddlers Are Human Too—And Sometimes They Just Need Grace Two minutes into our shopping trip, she had kicked her light-up rain...

Keep Reading

One Day He’ll Love Another Woman More than He Loves Me

In: Kids, Motherhood
Mother holding baby, color photo

To Benjamin, my 16-month-old son, I am everything. I am the first person that boy looks for when he wakes up in the morning and the last person he wants before he goes to bed. If he is in a room full of people he loves and I am not there, he will search for me.  If he has a problem, mommy is the solution. I am the answer to his cries. I feel confident in saying that I am the most important person in that little boy’s little world. I love it. It is an honor and a privilege...

Keep Reading

To My Sister, Thank You For Being the Best Aunt To My Kids

In: Kids, Motherhood
Aunt with three young kids

“Do you have the kids’ basketball schedule yet?” you texted the other day. I sent back a screenshot of the calendar, and within an hour you responded telling me which game you’d be coming to. It was a simple exchange, but I was overwhelmed with gratitude for your love for my kids in that moment. It’s something I think often but don’t say nearly enough: thank you for being such an amazing aunt. Truly.  I know it’s not always convenient. You live three hours away and have a busy, full life of your own—but still, you show up for your niece and nephews...

Keep Reading

In Defense of the Stubborn Child

In: Kids, Motherhood
Little boy hanging over dock, color photo

“Lamp. Lamp. Laaaaamp,” my 2-year-old son screamed while stomping his feet. Tears were running down his face and snot was dripping dangerously close to his mouth. I put on what I hoped would be a soothing, motherly tone, “Okay, just calm down.” While trying to maintain eye contact, I slowly reached toward the tissue box. This must be what the greats like Jeff Corwin, Steve Irwin, or the Kratt brothers feel like when facing a volatile animal in the wild. The sound of a tissue being pulled from the box caused the crying to stop abruptly. His eyes flitted toward...

Keep Reading