A smiling photo.
Enjoying an evening with my daughter at the theatre. Earlier we had gone shopping and enjoyed a drink at our hotel bar before heading to the show.
Happy. Blessed. Smiling.
What is behind my smile?
Depression. Anxiety. Grief. Fear. Crushing emotions.
My head tells me I matter. That my story isn’t over. That I would be missed.
But my heart says otherwise. It tells me I am a failure. I am alone. I don’t belong.
Wondering why I try, why I fight so hard to stay in this life. Asking myself why I feel alone. Why I feel inadequate.
A daily struggle. Exhausting. More than one day at a time, it is one hour, one minute, one second at a time.
Tears, warm baths, showers, walks, puppy kisses, yoga—distractions to help me survive.
I want to be OK. I want to be happy. I want to feel like I matter. I want to feel appreciated. I want to do more than survive.
Depression is a constant. It has been and always will be a part of my story.
Until my story is truly over, I pray I enjoy many moments that make me smile even as depression is right behind that smile.