So God Made a Mother Collection ➔

These thoughts have been on my mind. I know I will never have the answers. I wish I could. I wish it was black or white but I am muddling through all gray areas. I am still processing in my head and heart what has happened. But I have questions with no answers. 

Does an affair ever become okay? Because they are still together, does that make the affair okay? 

Because they are in love, is what they did acceptable? 

Do I just have to accept that they were sleeping together when we were married, but they are now in a long-term committed relationship, so it is fine?

Or is it when they become engaged and then married, that how their relationship started is cancelled out? 

Or maybe when they have a baby and a family together? 

Because they want to build a life together, the lies and betrayal no longer matter? The sneaking behind my back, the time away from me and our children, the breaking of our marriage vows, the tearing apart our family, the gut wrenching pain and suffering I had to endure is lessened because they are happy?

Do their friends and family have to just be okay with their relationship status? Even though they hurt as well? Because they have been lied and betrayed, too? Because not only did their affair affect me and my marriage, but it affected all of the people in our lives. Old friends, new friends, family, co-workers. Her friends, his friends, my friends. 

But they love each other, so it’s okay? 

She loves my children and respects me as their mother. Therefore, I have to accept her? I should be happy she is in my children’s lives. Right? But she was sleeping with my husband. She knew he was married. She knew he had 2 children. Yet, she believed the lies he told. Our marriage was not good. He wasn’t happy. I was a bitch. I was controlling. We were living together as roommates. He loved our children but no longer me. So, since the marriage was already over in his head, she is not guilty of anything?

Yet, I was fighting. I was battling for my marriage. I was madly in love with my husband and our life together. I wanted our family. I knew we were facing a difficult time and I wasn’t giving up. I knew our marriage had flaws, but I was willing to work on it. Because what we had was worth it. He was worth it. Our children were worth it. I was worth it. How can I forget all of this just because they are building what we lost? 

Since I have forgiven him multiple times, does that mean I have accepted their relationship? I have forgiven, but not forgotten. I am still healing from the deep, painful, profound wounds that were inflicted upon me. My scars are permanent. I will carry them with me always. One day I will forgive her. So when that happens, do they get complete absolution? 

I don’t know. And I have to remember that in the end, I am not the decider of that. No, I don’t believe how or why their relationship started is ever going to be okay. Their actions have had a rippling effect on so many, which at times they are oblivious to. Their actions haven’t changed. Their beginning is still the same. The foundation of their relationship is built on lies, cheating, and deception.

Maybe one day my heart will come to accept that I won’t have the answers. And the answers will no longer matter. One day, I won’t care. How or what their relationship is will not upset me. One day I will have a relationship on what love should be. Trust. Faithfulness. Truth. Loyalty. Devotion. Perseverance.

But today, I am not okay. I am not okay with their relationship, even though they love each other. I am not okay that I still care and that their relationship influences me daily. 

I am not okay.

Her View From Home

Millions of mothers connected by love, friendship, family and faith. Join our growing community. 1,000+ writers strong. We pay too!   Find more information on how you can become a writer on Her View From Home at https://herviewfromhome.com/contact-us/write-for-her//

Memories Fill the Holes in Their Hearts Where a Grandpa’s Love Should Be

In: Grief
Drawing, journal, and photo of man, color photo

“Girls, come here for a minute.” In some sort of yearly ritual, I guide my oldest two daughters to my bedroom, where a wooden chest sits. It’s painted in flowers of muted colors and has a brass keyhole on it, making it look like an antique. It isn’t. It’s only 20 years old. As my girls follow me into my room, I grab the skeleton key off my dresser that unlocks the wooden chest. I turn the key and open the wooden box that holds so many pieces that are supposed to remind me of my dad.  Pictures of him....

Keep Reading

The Calls Stopped When the Casket Closed

In: Grief
Father and toddler walking in cemetery, color photo

The night my mother died is raw. It was filled with a lot of emotions: anger, regret, sadness, guilt, and remorse. The next day, I woke up to multiple calls, text messages, posts on my Facebook wall, and Facebook messages. It was a flood. The flood soon turned into a drought. Before I could process what happened the night before, people were sending flowers, the funeral home was calling, and people were showing up at my door. The next two days there was an influx of people in and out of my house and a lot of food. But the...

Keep Reading

Losing a Child Changes Everything

In: Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Woman at beach sunset

I‘ve had my life planned out since I was a teenager. My dreams were to be a teacher, wife, and mom in that order. I would teach elementary school and have the cutest classroom with the greatest lessons, and I’d teach until I was old and retired. The man of my dreams would sweep me off my feet in college, and we’d have a romantic wedding and start our great life together. Then, after a few years, we would have two children, a boy and a girl. We would be a blissfully boring, happy little family.  I didn’t want extravagant...

Keep Reading

A Mother’s Love Lasts Forever

In: Grief, Grown Children, Motherhood
Silhouette mother and daughter

She was so pretty. So pretty it was hard to look away from that porcelain skin, those high cheekbones, stunning green eyes with just the right amount of sparkle and depth, and shiny black hair. And those lips, perfectly plump with neatly applied lipstick, always ready to give a kiss on the cheek or a knowing smile. More than pretty, she was beautiful—you know, beautiful inside and out. She was classy. Not fancy or prim and proper, not snobby—just classy. A certain air about her that made you notice and appreciate her presence when she walked into the room. She...

Keep Reading

Thumbprint Glasses and a Lifetime of Love

In: Grief, Motherhood
Broken thumbprint glass on floor, color photo

Yesterday my Nannie’s glass was shattered, intentionally thrown across the room by a child of mine. My heart shattered with it for that glass held memories. When we visited my Nannie in Florida, I would wake with the sun to the aroma of fresh eggs, bacon, and grits. I would stumble into her bright yellow kitchen. The counters always cluttered, the small white table nicely set, and the glasses full of orange juice. “Thumbprint glasses,” I called them. I would put my tiny thumb into the imprint of each beautiful dent and admire the rainbows the iridescent glass made. That...

Keep Reading

Some Babies Are Held Only in a Mother’s Heart

In: Baby, Grief, Loss, Motherhood
Ultrasound of baby

“Whatever may come and whatever may pass, we have faith that our God will bring us to it and through it.” That’s what I wrote in a post after we announced our third pregnancy. It was the first pregnancy we went public with, but it was the third time we had two positive lines on a pregnancy test. You see, we had miscarriage after miscarriage after miscarriage. We went from surprised optimism to guarded yearning and finally stolen joy. The first baby was nothing more than a what-if before that test. It was a surprise to two people who loved...

Keep Reading

My Birthday Will Never Be the Same without My Mother

In: Grief
Mother and two daughters, older color photo

It’s been eight months since my mom took her last breath on earth and entered into her eternal resting place. Eight, long, motherless months. I expected holidays to be hard, as they should, because a piece of the family is missing. The spot where they once sat, ate, laughed, took pictures, and made memories is now empty. Just like a piece of my heart is empty. RELATED: I Didn’t Just Lose My Mom the Day She Died The holiday no one prepared me for was my birthday. A day that’s to be celebrated. It’s the day I took my first...

Keep Reading

Dear Mom, I Miss You

In: Faith, Grief
Grown woman and her mother, color photo

Dear Mom, Yesterday I went over to your house. I was hoping you would open the door, but Daddy greeted me with his sweet smile. Yes, he still has a mustache. The one you hate, but I did manage to trim it up for him. I cut his hair too.   We talked about you over coffee and waited for you to join us, but you never did. He’s doing his best to do this life without you in it, but his eyes are clouded with memories and mixed with pain. He misses you, Momma. RELATED: I Didn’t Just Lose...

Keep Reading

Mom, You Were There for All My Firsts…Except This One

In: Grief
Sad woman looking out window

Firsts are monumental. Inaugural. Annual. They say you always remember the milestones, the annuals, the inaugurals.  You were there for those firsts during my first few years of life: my first tooth, first steps, first boo-boo. Always supporting me. Always cheering me on. When I grew up, you stood by me for the next wave of firsts: my first bad grade, my first heartbreak, the first fight with friends, my first solo in choir, my first stitches.  You stayed by my side during the pain from your divorce and dried my tears when Dad moved out. You even loved me...

Keep Reading

I Wanted to Call You Last Night, Dad

In: Grief, Grown Children
Woman sitting on dock alone by lake

I went to call you last night. I was sitting in my room, watching grown men play a child’s game. Alone. And when the last out was registered, in an improbable no-hitter, I needed to share my delight. I wanted to call you. But I couldn’t. Since you left, a mere 18 months ago, there have been many moments, when I have wanted to call. To say, hello, to ask for advice, to share good news, and bad. To discuss world events or shoot the breeze. To hear your corny jokes and lift your spirits. Or have you lift mine....

Keep Reading

5 Secrets to the

BEST Summer Ever!

FREE EMAIL BONUS

Creating simple summer memories

with your kids that will  last a lifetime