These thoughts have been on my mind. I know I will never have the answers. I wish I could. I wish it was black or white but I am muddling through all gray areas. I am still processing in my head and heart what has happened. But I have questions with no answers. 

Does an affair ever become okay? Because they are still together, does that make the affair okay? 

Because they are in love, is what they did acceptable? 

Do I just have to accept that they were sleeping together when we were married, but they are now in a long-term committed relationship, so it is fine?

Or is it when they become engaged and then married, that how their relationship started is cancelled out? 

Or maybe when they have a baby and a family together? 

Because they want to build a life together, the lies and betrayal no longer matter? The sneaking behind my back, the time away from me and our children, the breaking of our marriage vows, the tearing apart our family, the gut wrenching pain and suffering I had to endure is lessened because they are happy?

Do their friends and family have to just be okay with their relationship status? Even though they hurt as well? Because they have been lied and betrayed, too? Because not only did their affair affect me and my marriage, but it affected all of the people in our lives. Old friends, new friends, family, co-workers. Her friends, his friends, my friends. 

But they love each other, so it’s okay? 

She loves my children and respects me as their mother. Therefore, I have to accept her? I should be happy she is in my children’s lives. Right? But she was sleeping with my husband. She knew he was married. She knew he had 2 children. Yet, she believed the lies he told. Our marriage was not good. He wasn’t happy. I was a bitch. I was controlling. We were living together as roommates. He loved our children but no longer me. So, since the marriage was already over in his head, she is not guilty of anything?

Yet, I was fighting. I was battling for my marriage. I was madly in love with my husband and our life together. I wanted our family. I knew we were facing a difficult time and I wasn’t giving up. I knew our marriage had flaws, but I was willing to work on it. Because what we had was worth it. He was worth it. Our children were worth it. I was worth it. How can I forget all of this just because they are building what we lost? 

Since I have forgiven him multiple times, does that mean I have accepted their relationship? I have forgiven, but not forgotten. I am still healing from the deep, painful, profound wounds that were inflicted upon me. My scars are permanent. I will carry them with me always. One day I will forgive her. So when that happens, do they get complete absolution? 

I don’t know. And I have to remember that in the end, I am not the decider of that. No, I don’t believe how or why their relationship started is ever going to be okay. Their actions have had a rippling effect on so many, which at times they are oblivious to. Their actions haven’t changed. Their beginning is still the same. The foundation of their relationship is built on lies, cheating, and deception.

Maybe one day my heart will come to accept that I won’t have the answers. And the answers will no longer matter. One day, I won’t care. How or what their relationship is will not upset me. One day I will have a relationship on what love should be. Trust. Faithfulness. Truth. Loyalty. Devotion. Perseverance.

But today, I am not okay. I am not okay with their relationship, even though they love each other. I am not okay that I still care and that their relationship influences me daily. 

I am not okay.